Saturday, April 21, 2018

Monsters of Linnaeus

Matt Celeskey
This little fellow is named "bulbous lizard leaf-razor", a name which proves both that palaeontologists love taking the piss, and that scientific names are great. Especially for games. It's already the default bestiary terminology in the real world, Greek and Latin are already wizarding languages, you get a handy literal descriptor for the monster, and you can just fit descriptors together like puzzle pieces. Roll on the table, get a monster.

(This is all thanks to Luka Rejec pointing out this handy list of taxonomic affixes (don't forget the medical ones too!) to go along with the magical prehistory bandwagon)

Coelcyon ("hollow dog")

Its bones are needles and the rest is skin and fur hanging over empty space. They make a high-pitched whistling near-indistinguishable from tinnitus.

Rhodosuchus ("red crocodile")

It is very much what the name entails, though its snout is long and thin, more like a gharial. They mate during monsoon season, building house-sized nests of mangrove roots and dead fish, designed to topple over just so in the storms.

Chloracanth ("green spine")

The bony ridge that runs down the slow and daftsome creature's back is hollow and honeycombed. Symbiotic mosses grow there, which may be harvested for medicinal purposes. Otherwise unremarkable, though the meat is good.

Brontodromeus ("thunder runner")

Their slate-blue hides coruscate with bright white chromatophore signals. Thick tails provide balance when running, while folding arms and bullet-shaped heads cut down on wind resistance.They run with the rains, and slip away just as easily.

Plesiofelis ("almost cat")

Looks like a sleeping cat at first or second glance, but reveals itself under touch and closer inspection as a gelatinous non-Newtonian fluid covered in fine calico cilia. The tail, curled underneath the central mass, is far longer than it should, and trails off out of sight. The nature of the angler is unknown.

Scoliospondylus ("twisted vertebrae")

Eight-limbed hominids whose spine might only be the result of a cruel and hateful god. Each limb ends in a six-fingered hand with two opposable digits, and their catastrophic backs show clear signs of divine malice. Their black skin is hairless, and decorated with splashes of brilliant orange and blue; this does not do anything to lessen the pain and sadness in their six eyes.

Xanthopepsian ("yellow digesting")

A sort of sponge, about the size of a large melon. It may live upon land, and in desperate circumstances move under its own power. It consumes the color yellow, a diet that leads to it being a most brilliant shade of that color; anything else in its feeding radius will be bleached white

Cacopithicus ("bad ape")

Ratty red-brown fur smeared in shit. Fingernails curved like snail shells. Teeth set in gums like maggots in a side of beef. Crusty black eyes, dribbling snot and spit. Its behavior is self-evident, and all are thankful that they cannot work in unison for more than a few hours before the backstabbing begins.

Platypharyngovenator ("flat throat hunter")

Its wedge-shaped head is attached to a flexible neck nearly ten feet long and an inch thick. It is an ambush predator, burying its cumbersome soft-shelled body in loam or mud and lying in wait.

Squamotherium ("scaly beast")

Its body is like a pillar or a trunk atop ten squat legs surrounding a mouth. The scales decrease from the size of a hand to hardly more than a pinprick as one ascends towards the upper ring of eyes. They are usually a green-brown in coloration, to best imitate trees and avoid predators. It was not called dendromimus due to a certain unnatural philosopher having a love affair with the word "squamous".

Diploteratomaia ("double monster mother")

Unique among the echidnamorphs for possessing two wombs and regular simultaneous pregnancies, this creature's distinct black and white coloration is very much on point. The eyes diverge from this, being blue and ringed in black. Offspring will be of one color or the other, or bear similar separation of color. The back-quills of this variant are shorter than those of more common species. 

Gnathomimus ("jaw mimic")

Descendants of agnathic fish-turned-amphibians, the species' impressive underbite is in fact an outgrowth of the head's armor plating. While useless as a manidle, they are used as weapons during territorial disputes and mating displays.

Polycetus ("many whales")

A horrifying leviathan created when a pod of whales melds into an island-sized fleshbeast of blubber and barnacles and oil and curtains of baleen and banks of paddles, singing apocalyptic songs of the abyss. Mass beachings are in truth mass suicides: the whales know that the melding is near, and their good nature drives them to sacrifices themselves for the sake of the rest of the world.

Cephalospadias ("head fissure")

A gangly, chalky-white hominid. The head contains no eyes, nose, or ears, and is disproportionately large compared to the body. Each specimen has one or more deep clefts in their heads, the insides of which are the color of a blood orange and peppercorn seeds. Each individual has a unique pattern of fissure.

Sunday, April 15, 2018

Ancient Epochs of the Fantasic World

+Arnold K said: "HEY How come all these D&D settings have the same assumed evolutionary paths. Like they have weird shit like dragons evolving from jealous snakes and yet when it comes to looking backward all the dinosaurs look the same. Why is only the current world fantastic, instead of the entire biologic prehistory?"

Here's ten of them.

1. The Elemental Epoch 

A period of constant conflict. Alliances among air elementals violate the precepts of the Noble Gases and create water elementals. Earth elementals get their shit together and start the Protoplanetary Revolution. Fire elementals undergo species-wide existential crisis after realizing that phlogiston doesn't exist. Ends with the formation of the Periodic Congress.

2. Ooziphorous Period 

95% of the planet's water in this period existed in the form of oozes. There were puddles of ooze, lakes of ooze, aquifers and rivers and glaciers and oceans of ooze. Non-ooze life specialized in hunting and harvesting oozes sustaining themselves on organelles and cytoplasm. The dominant solid being of this age was the thooblethimp, being about a foot in length, possessing four articulated legs, bulbous eyes, a long proboscis, and a lightweight exoskeleton.

3. Meathell Megayears

Wherein the world was dominated by the singular (and thankfully, only) known colony of carnecordyceps deus. Nightmares still plague the collective unconsciousness to this day.

4. Regellian Mistake Era

Planet terraformed by distant alien race, but no official colony was ever established. The unwatched seed-biosphere drifted accordingly with the changes of the local environment, reaching equilibrium with the original life-forms due to insurmountable bio-chemical barriers.

5. The Stone-and-Chicken War

Passing asteroidal basilisk petrifies an entire hemisphere and drops eggs from orbit. Enterprising species from the surviving hemisphere colonize the granite wastes, mostly gallusiform avians who fill the nice of apex predator after evolving the kill-signal crowing lethal to basilisks.

6. Lakgulethian Era

A relatively stable period dominated by the lakgululengu, noteworthy for the remarkable deep-time forethought of those amber-shelled, elephantine beings. They purposefully fossilized specimens of local flora and fauna, themselves, cultural relics, even entire structures, to pass on to future ages.

7. Malatmospheric Period

Defined by the upswing of evil-aligned bacteria in the planetary atmosphere. At least two world-spanning civilizations, the ostracodermic pseudo-equine ptherians and the crustacean-piscine valdver, lived during this time, and may have overlapped.

8. Daemononovore Period 

 The material world's greatest response to infernal invasion was an order of warm-blooded pseudo-amphibians (here termed the yagher-voz) that developed the ability to summon and consume demons for their own nourishment. Sapient offshoots tended to found vast, decadent societies, as depravity was as good a lure to demons as their own summoning methods.

9. The Skeletal Singularity 

 A super-civilization of modular bone-entities, the ascendant descendants of some unknown mammal-like reptilians. Collapsed only due to the slow degradation of their phylacteries. Nearly all solar systems within sixty lightyears bear the traces of a colony, whether atavist osteoforms, orbital lichyards, or defunct von Neumann tomb-colonies.

10. Doppelgangerdammerung

Mimicry emerges among freshwater cephalopodic echinoderms as a method of imitating larger, scarier organisms. Over the next few million years the biosphere becomes so adept at mimicry that few organisms even know what niche they actually fill, being so skilled at imitating other beings. Land predators imitate aquatic herbivores. Airborne detritovores imitate subterranean autocannibals. Organisms emerge from the egg-sack imitating another species entirely. Successful mating becomes impossible.

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Dan's Notebook of Unfinished Wonders

I accumulate ideas like pockets accrue lint, which means my apartment is filled with notebooks and scraps of paper covered in ideas for story and game material that might never see the light of day.

So instead of letting that happen, here's some of the decent stuff. I'll pass on whatever I can to Hex Describe, and expand / revisit whatever strikes my fancy down the line.

Challenge Mode: Roll a 1d60 (or look at a clock), take that thing, make something cool out of it, and tell me.
  1. Refined folk, dark of countenance, who wear robes of tiger hides.
  2. Colorful jellies containing the torn-up heads and bodies of alien beings.
  3. Blind religious order - white robes and boxlike hats, stripes and lips of red.
  4. Insectoid race that lives in the desert mountains. Scavengers of the dead and dying civilizations around them. Strict feudal hierarchy.
  5. Aboleth's Head Bar - Opium den, building carved of a single piece of jade, operated by drow refugees.
  6. Bill Norman the Doorman, dolorous guard of the Whitecliff Academy
  7. The Blood Rites Movement - marchers are the spawn of the late vampire lord Osrick the Shrike, trying to get the courts to recognize them as legal kin to the Shrike's estate.
  8. Library of Khutal Nan guarded by a pair of Sphinx sisters constantly playing cards, checkers, backgammon, etc.
  9. The mountains of Bismuth
  10. 37,000 foot drop in a giant cave; demon with a secret guard and a stone gaze (confession, this was a hand of Superfight)
  11. Project "Forget-Me-Not", a counteragent for rampant contagious memory loss
  12. Submersible stranded on the ocean floor, terrible fate within
  13. Dugen Baroo - a monster of sorts
  14. The Bulls of Newtown
  15. Anatomical museums run by the mob for money-laundering purposes
  16. Radioactive clone-fruit
  17. The Left-Hand Inscriptions of Tzegeim
  18. Exotic brothel on an abandoned oil rig
  19. Phaenan Triptoline - a drug
  20. The Martian Cathars
  21. Ravens on the eaves, singing the Poetic Edda
  22. The Emerald Emperor, king of all elves, who ended the human race
  23. Orders of Chromatic Mages - Black / White (0th Order), Red / Blue / Gold (1st Order), Green / Purple / Orange (2nd Order), Brown (3rd Order)
  24. Giant crab fortresses wandering across the shallow seas. Coral and barnacles on their shells are carved into settlements.
  25. Trollhiemen Cider Company
  26. Yunaska Island Island Zombie Reserve
  27. Soldier subclasses: war priest, savant-fanatic, peacekeeper, antisoldier
  28. The great goddess Jubilee, golden cherub-maid of good fortune.
  29. Hundred-Handed Ones are arms dealers - simple daggers all the way up to legendary astra. Weapons are forged in cyclopian volcano-factories by blind craftsmen. Each HH1 has a personal coat of arms in which it stores its weapons.
  30. Dryads are parasites, eating away at treants until both die and the dryad births its swarm of nymph-larvae..
  31. Beastmen are the result of giant psychic druid drug-orgies.
  32. Swordwife - a class
  33. "Only in Haign-Lota would someone call a theologian for engine repair."
  34. Gorgon - A hunched figure in rags. A mane of many snakes emerge from the burlap hood. The host is trepanned, and a hydra egg is implanted in the brain.
  35. Great alien machines offering technological Faustian bargains - accept the gift, and you are now an acceptable target.
  36. Abandoned church with three tigers sitting out front.
  37. The moon changes every month, taking an alien form after each new moon. It never repeats itself.
  38. Cigarettes that coat the lungs in sporicides.
  39. Caste bred specifically as maturation vessels for potent corpse medicines.
  40. An organ like a second heart holds the humours in its four chambers, and is thus the emotional seat of the body rather than the brain.
  41. Slave Lake, in the Redlands.
  42. The camp at Lake Stoneburner.
  43. The Language of Shouting
  44. City dependent on the summoning and binding of succubi and incubi, lost generation of cambion mules.
  45. The Wherehouse, where lost things go.
  46. Written language that looks like coils of barbed wire.
  47. "Flowers for Oberon."
  48. Mail-order magical girl powers.
  49. Crowns are parasites, they make kings.
  50. Giant squids everywhere and no one really notices.
  51. Dying season - undead are seasonal, rising up in the spring and summer, hibernating in the winter.
  52. Decameron in a villa on the slope of Olympus Mons
  53. The Paracelsus Engine
  54. Planet with breathable air only during certain seasons.
  55. An elf's body will live forever, but their minds will unravel just like a man's. The live in a cycle of aging to madness, mind-death, and rebirth.
  56. Dungeons are subterranean food-production centers gone feral.
  57. The anti-environmentals, actively attempting to kill the earth-goddess
  58. Dissol Varut - A person
  59. Synaethetic monks
  60. Giant sky-corpses, floating limply through the clouds

Saturday, April 7, 2018

Three Beasts of the Public Domain

This was actually PKD's first published story.

HD: 4
Appearance: A flabby, blobby grey thing with big, sad eyes. Reminiscent of waterbear, mole rat, pig.
Wants: Food, lots of it. Discussions of art and philosophy. An easy and peaceful life of pleasure.
Armor: None
Move: Minimal
Morale: 12
Damage: 0
Number Appearing: 1

A single wub contains enough meat for 150 rations. It is delicious and its meat lasts twice as long as normal rations before spoiling. There are several catches attached to this:
  1. The wub is both sapient and psychic.
  2. The wub will latch on to one or more of its more benevolent captors and strike up conversations of its favored topics, usually philosophy, art, and comparative mythology.
  3. The wub will beg for its life in a piteous and fatalist-melancholic manner to anyone intending to eat it.
  4. The wub is not actually the creature seen, but the psychic presence inhabiting it.
  5. The killer of the wub will become the new host for the wub, and will in a short amount of time devote itself to the lazy life of indolence that wubs favor.
  6. Currently unproven: the wub wants to be eaten for this very purpose.
Resisting wub influence requires a daily WIS save. It may potentially be cast out through exorcism or a Remove Curse spell.

W.W. Denslow

Appearance: A tiger's head on a bear's body.
Wants: To hunt, to protect its territory, to scare the shit out of people
Armor: As chain (thick fur and insulating fat)
Move: Normal
Morale: 8
Damage: 1d10 claw or bite
Number Appearing: 1-2

Most terrible and terrifying hunters along the Yellow Brick Road. Being the biggest and the scariest, they are remarkably unaccustomed to anyone standing up to them, and so their wills might fail them if their target stands up to them.

Wayne Douglas Barlowe

HD: 2
Appearance: Pale and hairless pig-faced humanoid.
Wants: To eat human flesh, to gain entry into the House
Armor: None
Move: Normal x1.5
Morale: 6
Damage: 1d4 claw
Number Appearing: 3-18

The swine-things emerge from beneath the earth and dusk and flee at dawn. While neither particularly intelligent nor possessing of tools, they use their own numbers and the isolation of their victims as their effective methods of attack. In one account of their hunts, it is implied that they are extensions of a greater being from beyond the universe: appendages of some cosmic god. This is unproven.

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Some thoughts about Shadow of the Demon Lord

This here's an honest cover.

I got sold on Shadow of the Demon Lord in the space of about fifteen minutes by some fellow on Discord. These are my thoughts from the initial read through.

The art sells the premise

There are some great pieces in there. All of them do a good job at emphasizing the grody, grimy, gritty nature of the game. Strong, consistent art direction is always an A+.

The mechanic changes are a fresh of breath air

Of note:
  • Your modifier is the stat minus 10. No muss, no fuss.
  • The target number for everything that is not an attack is 10.
  • Boons and banes are a fine system to factor in everything else.
  • Insanity and corruption mechanics are nice and simple to use.
  • Advancement is done via group accomplishment, rather than by combat or treasure. I like this as a change of pace, and it's especially nice for a game where characters might undergo radical changes upon leveling up.
You may notice a running theme here. This game is simple. It is easy to grok. You could teach the mechanics to a small child or a complete newbie and they will understand it.

So about that class system... 

Highlight of the entire game, as far as I'm concerned. Each template (ancestry, novice class, expert class, master class) grants you traits at a specific level, and so there's no overlap. There are also no requirements for taking on expert or master classes outside of narrative ones - hand your sword-and-board warrior a letter and a "yer a wizard", and it's not going to hurt your warrior skills.

There are 30,336 ancestry / class combinations possible in the core book

Six races, four novice classes, sixteen expert classes, sixty-four master classes (plus the remaining 15 expert classes if you want to double up). In the core book.

The fact that I mention this in a positive light (instead of "harumph it's so bloated and unwieldy") is the greatest sign of how easy and human-understandable the class system is in this game. It's nice, it's easy, if you want to be a thing you can just go and become the thing.

You can be a witch, who is also a robot piloted by a soul scraped out of hell. And then become a bard.

There are lots of good random tables

Schwalb knows what's up.

The setting is a light touch

It does what it needs to do, which is provide a framework. There's enough to get inspiration a-rolling, it's generic enough to fit into whatever setting you're already using, and the system is flexible enough to easily homebrew as you see fit. Win-win-win.

Look at this fucking map.

It's beautiful. It's fucking beautiful. It does everything I want to see out of a fantasy map, namely:
  • It is visually interesting (the hide, the blood, the  style of it all)
  • It's filled with evocative names that make me the player / GM want to fill it out.

Female dwarves have beards

It's not mole people, but it always makes me happy to see this.

By Jove, they actually went and did it, the absolute madmen!

The bestiary has generic templates for animals, demons, and monsters, arranged by size. Never thought I'd see the day.

The character sheet fits on one page

Glory glory Hallelujah

Final Notes 

This is a damn fine looking game and I want to run it.

Saturday, March 31, 2018

Amazons and Androgons


Amazons, the Happy Horsewomen

The golden plains to the east, where the lazy river Thermodon winds north to the Blackwine Sea, are a fertile land. Vast fields of grain and corn and countless herds of horses, bison, and oxen can be found there, as well as all manner of fruiting trees, nuts, and spices. At the river's mouth sits Temiskyra, and in her port all manner of boats travel here and there across the sea.

This is the land of the amazons; it is a land of peace and prosperity because no one in the world is fool enough to invade, and anyone fool enough to try is never good enough to get past the border.

Tales of their martial prowess are entirely true. The average amazon stands eight feet tall, and has been training with the horse, the bow, the spear, and the sword since she was old enough to walk. Amazonian men still taller and stronger than the average man, and are not the downtrodden slaves some would have you believe. Rumors of cutting off breasts are unfounded. Stories of their legendary hospitality and good humor are entirely true (why not laugh when nothing poses a threat?)

Otherwise, the following touchstones are important for travelers on the way to Temiskyra.

Damascene steel - The smiths of Temiskyra produce some of the best blades in the world (sans dwarves), through methods known only to them. The shimmering, swirling patterns have proven impossible to replicate by other men. Carbon nanotubes, y'all.

Barbecue - The wild boars of the golden plains are terrifying monsters. Hunts for both sport and necessity are common enough that they barely classify as news. This leads to a great amount of pork in local markets. Family-owned amazonian barbecue joints are one of the region's primary exports.

Lacrosse - It's like normal war, but nearly everyone lives through it so you can do it again. Often paired with barbecue. Used to solve disputes, mark holidays, or just for fun. Instituted in ages past as a way to avoid internal strife among the amazons.

Horses - Temiskyran horses are, as one would expect, huge. Large enough that it is next to impossible for non-amazons to ride them (and the reverse is true for amazons riding normal sized horses). Smaller horses are kept as beloved pets

Greatbows - The signature amazonian weapon. Even one skilled in its use must utterly root herself to the earth to draw it back.

The greatest warrior among the amazons is currently Sofi Scarbelly. She and her retinue are currently off fighting some sort of monstrous humanoids.

There is no link between the amazons of the Thermodon and the black amazons of the North, beyond naming conventions.

Amazon Character Class

Reroll STR and CON, take higher
HP: d10
XP: As elf
Saves: As fighter
To-hit: As fighter
Armor costs 1.5x the normal price.

Starting kit
  • Leather or chain armor
  • Spear and shield, sword and shield, or longbow
  • Longbow or greatbow
  • Quiver with 20 arrows or 5 greatarrows
  • A horse or a Fighter 0 hireling (usually a husband, son, or daughter-in-training)

5e Option: As Goliaths, replacing altitude acclimation with an additional +1 CON.

Tomas Duchek

Androgons, the Man's Men

In the days of the emperor Darvatius there was an entire legion formed of pairs of consecrated male lovers, sent out to pacify distant corners of the world and gain great glory for the banner of the eagle and bull. In the last days of the conquest the sacred band was sent past the Wall of Rhavian to subjugate certain tribes that had taken shelter with the Folk there, and there the record ends.

A few centuries later, when the world is still rebuilding from the global catastrophe of Darvatius' second conquest, a tribe calling themselves the Androgons descends from the lands beyond the Wall into the world at large. Scribes of the time considered them to be some new tribe of barbarians, but modern historians are quite certain they are Darvatius' lost legion merged with the tribes they had been sent to exterminate.

These Androgons (occasionally called the Gargareans, especially in older texts) are for the most part a wandering people: there are a few townships under their control, but most live in small bands of 20-200 individuals. They are quiet and isolationist: outsiders are not welcome in their camps, and their interactions with the greater world tend to be either succinct or violent. They make their living as soldiers of fortune, having no love of peaceful, settled lives. It is a hard life, but they enjoy it well enough.

Those who come into contact with the Androgons ought to bear in mind the following:

Virwyrd - lit. "the way of men". Androgons have strict pillars of manhood that they hold up: combat, camaraderie, practical handicraft, and stoicism. Public displays of emotion ought be limited to triumph over enemies or anger towards them - friendship is to be kept to the mess tent, and tenderness to the bunk. Sexual relations between Androgons are spoken of in near-businesslike terms outside of private moments.  

No Girls Allowed - Androgon reactions to women are mixed: ignorance reins on the whole, accompanied by bemusement, confusion, apathy, or hatred. Many competing theories have emerged, claiming that women are alien beings, misshapen or depraved men, demons, or most radically, human beings. The first and second attitudes are the most common. 

The Trailing Camp - War parties tend to accumulate non-Androgon camp followers. Having little in the ways of their own roots, they will often pick up Androgon customs and modes of dress. If there are any women to be found among the Androgons, they will be found here. Any children sired will be brought into the Androgon party to be raised and trained. The relations which bear these children are not spoken of. 

Battle-Thought - Philosophy and rhetoric are greatly valued by the Androgons, despite their warlike manners and lack of written history. There are great minds of Darvatius' time that exist now only as Androgon oral history.

Folk Arts - The greatest treasure among the Androgons are secrets given to them in their time beyond the Wall. Little study has been conducted of their Pathmaking and Bread-and-Salt traditions, and greater secrets still remain.

The greatest band of Androgons is that of the Ash Moon Banner. They are currently harassing the townships outside of Janashkut.

Androgon characters are fighters.

Saturday, March 24, 2018

Health, Healing, and Injuries

This remains a work in progress, and is as-of-yet untested. It has been cobbled together from multiple sources of inspiration, including Into the Odd, Logan Knight's flesh and grit system, and Skerples' Rat on a Stick GLOG hack.

Further modifications are certain to follow.



Characters have Hit Points and Body Points (or Grit and Flesh). HP represents a character's ability to avoid taking serious damage, and BP represents a character's actual bodily integrity. If you have HP, you can take a hit; if you've lost BP, there are things outside your body that really need to be put back inside.

HP at level 1 is equal to your full hit die + your CON bonus. At every subsequent level you roll for your HP with no CON bonus. HP caps at 20.

BP is equal to your CON score. It goes up and down according to that score, or in the occasional magical effect. Any damage taken to BP will be subtracted from both STR and CON. Taking BP damage means you are now bleeding out, and will lose and additional 1 BP / round until stabilized.

When you reach 0 HP, you are incapacitated. Any damage taken beyond this point will be taken from your BP. If you reach 0 BP, you are dead. If you are attacked while incapacitated, you are dead.



HP is restored to full by a restful night of sleep and a meal. Other circumstances, (sleep but no food, food only, partial sleep, etc) you will only recover 1d6 + lvl HP.

BP is recovered through the following methods, and is done so in the same intervals it is dealt in (minor, small, medium, great).

Panacea potions
Save vs magic to resist addiction. Addicts make saves to resist at -1. If health restored equals or exceeds character's max BP, they will progress to the next stage (gain 1 panacea mutation, save malus increased by 1). Total transformation into a panacea mutant occurs upon reaching stage 5.

Chance of infection dependent on the surgeon's level of preparation. This will be a larger worry for players when in the field, but a visit to the barber should go with only minor risk.

Heal Serious Wounds
R: Touch T: Creature D: 0
Restores [sum] BP. Biomancy of this nature (the kind that won't give you cancer) is a carefully-guarded secret among the fleshcrafter guilds. They will charge you a premium for it, but it's possible to undo lingering injuries through this method.

Healing crystals
Can heal max BP equal to die type x 2. Healing crystals repair injury through absorbing and storing it; they will not only be rendered useless upon capacity, but become radioactive as hell. They are thoroughly illegal.

A stabilized character at rest will recover 1d4 BP per week.

Additional Skills
  • Medicine - Setting bones, stopping bleeding, stabilizing the injured, identifying injuries, basic knowledge of herbs and medicines. Not a permanent solution, cannot recover BP.
  • Surgery - See barbers.


If you take BP damage, make a CON save against your new score. If you fail, you will take a lingering injury. Roll for one on your favorite table, and if you don't have a favorite table, James Introcaso has a good one.

Broken bones are healed after 10 days of rest.

Missing limbs can be repaired or replaced, but advanced prostethics  and grafts ought to be treated as quest rewards.

Special Injuries

Certain damage types will always leave specific lingering injuries, as appropriate.

Fire damage will result in burn scars.
Unholy damage will result in anathema.
Holy damage will result in sanctification.
Corrosive damage will result in acid scars.
Nectrotic damage will result in fleshrot.

Final Notes

This whole thing was made to retroactively fit into the normal LotFP health system I've been using with my group. I'll be running it proper when Hot Springs Island No Allergy Edition gets going in a couple weeks, and see what needs tweaked there.

Friday, March 23, 2018

Self-Indulgent Lore Garbage

This is in response to an old challenge of +Kiel Chenier 's that had resurfaced recently: ten pieces of setting lore that have absolutely no impact game-wise beyond flavor. I can totally do that.

1.  The hamsa is a common symbol of good fortune and warding off evil influence. It comes from the story of how Father gave up his eye for wisdom, and Mother held onto it out of love.

2. The most common written form of Manu-Babel uses the Deseret alphabet.

3. No one is permitted to possess anything of their own when entering the City Magpie - all belongings must belong to another, whether by theft or loan. This includes names, titles, and family members.

4. Angels and demons, like gods, are naturally created by humans and their actions. A laughing baby creates a legion of angels.

5. The known world is only one hemisphere: there is an entire antipode that lies beyond a burning meridian. This might be a lie promulgated by mapmakers, or a clever metaphor for a different plane.

6. The Necromantic Socialist Republics are actually quite pleasant places to visit, if you happen to like skulls. They're quite insistent on the skulls.

7. Saffron, white obsidian, red oil, and soul-pearls are all viable currencies. They are often accepted alongside the silver dollar and other coinage.

8. Old Acephavara collapsed under the strain of economic catastrophe, incestuous political corruption, and arcanonuclear war, but never seemed to get the memo that it no longer exists.

9. Troll-stones allow real-time communication across thousands of miles, though to actually accomplish that one must figure out a way to not be drowned-out by the ever-churning chaos of the Trollmoot.

10.The goblin kings went away to Parts Unknown, and the goblins eagerly await their return. Two of them are definitely Weird Al and David Bowe.

Sunday, March 18, 2018

1d10 Horrible Hives

This was going to be a post about Hot Springs Island, but the group only got about an hour in before I was struck by a terrible allergic reaction to store-bought General Tso's sauce. My face got all swollen up and boiled-lobster red.

My true form, revealed!

I think it's one of the preservatives in there, since the only other foods that trigger hives are Kraft macaroni and cheese and Oreo pop-tarts. The General Tso's at every Chinese place I have ever gone to has no effect. I have no idea what is up with this.

So instead of writing a session report (very little happened, and we rescheduled), have a random table fueled by the misery of last night.

1d10 Horrible Cases of the Hives

  1. You are filled with thousands upon thousands of ants, each the size of a sand grain and burning hot. They are perfectly fine where they are and don't want to leave.
  2. A glowing red spot of unbearable itchiness migrates from point to point across your body, with no sensible pattern. Scratching at it will root it to the spot for a moment, but increase the itchiness tenfold. It will shine brighter and brighter as it is scratched. If scratched too much, a burning, lidless eye will open there.
  3. Your face has inflated, removing your ability to speak. Your eyes turn red, and you are able to see the blood pulsing in others' veins. The only sound is the thump of your own heart in your ears.
  4. Each hive is the size of a silver piece, and bulbous. They expand and contract with your breath, quivering with wordless menace.
  5. The hives are blackened and cracked, and spit out wisps of necrotic miasmas. If scratched, they flake away like charcoal under your fingernails.
  6. Your sweat has the stink of bile, and your hands move on their own, seeking to tear at your skin unbidden by your mind.
  7. You seep honey from your scratches, and under the puckered skin you catch glimpses of the combs.
  8. Your hives rise and then separate from your body, buzzing about in a cloud before dispersing into the still and stagnant air.
  9. Hives harden into brilliant red pebbles. The itching fades, but in its place there are only the smooth, cool stones embedded in the skin.
  10. God-damn goblins and their god-damn itching powder!

Friday, March 9, 2018



The official rules of wizardball, as collected and tabulated by the Fantasy Wizardball Association, have been successfully used as an implement of murder. The version containing the appendix of variant rules has a spine so thick it cannot actually be opened without mechanical or magical aid. Multi-volume collections have been known to grow unruly enough to devour the reader.

Thankfully, the wizardball community ignores all of this and embraces the maddening chaos that is the magical world's greatest sport. There is no understanding the incomprehensible layers of in-jokes and strategies from the outside; there is only the knowing of the initiated.

Wizardball gets into your blood. The roar of the crowd, the pounding of the drums, the colors of the jerseys, the ozone tang of octarine mists and the smells of lemon ice and sausages inna bun. Wizardball is life itself.

For the uninitiated, there are four simple guidelines that give structure wizardball.
  • The point of the game is to get the ball, by whatever means necessary, into the enemy's goal. Scores may go up until a time limit has been reached, or down until a team's pool of points has been exhausted.
  • The two teams are arrayed as one would set up a chess board: 8 pawns, 2 rooks, 2 knights, 2 bishops, a king and a queen.
  • Each position can be filled from a pool of variant classes. Each class is equipped with ta specific loadout of appropriate spells and equipment, and is beholden to a series of limitations.
  • Cheating is permitted, so long as it does not extend past the boundaries of the pitch and the cheater can manage to either outwit or overpower the referee.
Beyond this, well, the rules are made up and the points don't matter. The Purist Variant Ruling dictates that wizardball only has one rule, being that a rule cannot be repeated twice, but this variant is not considered league-legal.

1d20 School Mascots

  1. Ol' Rusty the rust monster
  2. Manny the Maniac Manticore
  3. The Green Gorgon
  4. Bullette Biter
  5. The Big Hungry Mimic
  6. The Tin Men
  7. Ozzie Ooze
  8. The Deep Ones
  9. Skeleton Dan
  10. Mopey the Catelopas
  11. Sidney Salamander
  12. The Hellhound Named Spot
  13. Bumf the Flumph
  14. The Great Griffin
  15. The Brawling Blemmeyes
  16. The Tartary Lambs
  17. Brother Wulfhelm, the Drunken Monk
  18. Mabel the Mermaid
  19. D. T., Princess of the Red Planet
  20. Terry the Tarasque

1d20 Other Wizarding Sports 

Sport names courtesy of +Skerples

1. Rugger

Teams are scrambled on the quarter

2. Soccer

Can only be played while blackout drunk

3. Blagger

Asymmetrical field

4. Blugger

Traditionally played nude

5. Crumpet

Synchronized musical accompaniment

6. Cornet

Uses sticks and shields

7. Horseshoe

Average match lasts nine hours

8. Bannet

One team replaced by demons

9. Lurp Ball

Players cannot touch the ground

10. Flems-fight

The arena is flooded and filled with trout

11. Tennis

Players launched out of cannons

12. Ballmight

Must sacrifice losing team to the SUPERB OWL during playoffs.

13. Renfield

A live tiger released during second half

14. Nibblet

Indistinguishable from actual warfare

15. Zork

Played only in complete darkness

16. Mango

Played with 30 balls on the pitch

17. Gibbet

Goals move autonomously

18. Follow-the-Pony

One continuous game that has run for 187 years

19. Estivan Tony

Adaptable playing field

20. Flibbertygibbet

Oh gods, everything is on fire

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

1d20 Wizarding Colleges

David Wyatt

Wizards have degrees. This is the way of things. You can't be a proper wizard without a diploma. It's respectable. If you don't have a degree from a respectable school, why, you're no better than a witch!

The kicker is that there's no such thing as a respectable wizards' college.
  1. Twin boarding schools for the children of the rich and powerful. Male and female campuses on opposite sides of the street. Anti-canoodling rules prove only vaguely enforceable in the face of the student body's vast creativity.
  2. A flooded library buried deep undergound. Mushroom men maintain the records, though they are slow readers and often grow all over the books you need to get for class.
  3. A shipwreck inside a whale's stomach, haunted by the ever-tormented souls of the sailors that now serve as the faculty.
  4. Two aged sphinxes playing chess in a public park, discussing the mysteries of the universe. They will occasionally bring in someone from the circle of listeners to act as referee.
  5. An ancient mountaintop tower, carved from a primordial stone spear pinning a demon lord to said mountain. Has an excellent football program.
  6. A labyrinthine history department, severed from its parent school decades ago by a planar mishap. The inhabitants are descendants of the faculty and students, and have maintained the collegiate structure as a way of maintaining societal order.
  7. A fortress in the middle of the desert built on top of a gigantic dungeon, which occasionally provides a student, rather than just eating them.
  8. A haphazard cluster of bright-painted buildings on stilts in the center of a freshwater lake, sponsored by the Court of Lampreys. Tuition is free, but sometimes the administration needs a few favors. To help with the paperwork, you see.
  9. A grungy inner-city community center, taught by a well-meaning but thoroughly overwhelmed and unprepared noblewoman.
  10. A friendly traveling theater troupe with a curriculum of comedic-educational operettas. The tenor is remarkably good with the patter songs, though he does bear a striking resemblance to a wanted murderer.
  11. An isolated complex devoted to the various thaumartial arts. The admissions department requires prospective students to impress the director with a show of athletic skill.
  12. An opulent school practically a city unto itself. The dean is a dragon. The financial aid office is run by demons. The textbooks are sold by a vampire-owned publishing company. Many of the students are missing an arm or a leg. On the bright side, there's a diamond the size of a cow somewhere in the business office.
  13. Greasy back room of a spicy fried cockatrice shop. Totally legitimate. Definitely, totally legitimate. Please ignore the misspellings and smell of narcotics.
  14. You've had no learning besides the school of hard knocks (read: an old dwarf with a sturdy stick who took you on as apprentice.)
  15. A crumbling gothic castle, filled with all manner of ghostly maidens in diaphanous states of undress, the tormented spirits of diabolic monks, and the occasional humanities professor with a sheet over their head.
  16. Moon U, being the moon's first and currently only wizarding college. Started in a secretive bunker, has expanded into a full spaceport. It's an open secret that the New Gods are involved (all hail).
  17. A tower of sapphire rising up over the moors. Classical, respected, traditional...and everyone there is a woman wearing a fake beard and socks down her trousers. They don't have to anymore, but it's traditional by this point.
  18. An ordinary college town with a C-list school that is well-regarded in the region but one of the perpetually small fish of the academic world.
  19. The place hasn't been dusted in five years, the syllabus hasn't been updated in fifty, and the youngest faculty member is 87. They still talk about the glory days.
  20. Focuses entirely upon the study of a hypothetical parallel world where magic, and thus wizards, do not exist.

Sunday, March 4, 2018

Blog Index

 To be updated when I remember to do so.

Mother Stole Fire

Clever Lu and the Dragons
40 Questions 
Darvatius the Eternal
Bakunawa and the Seven Moons
The Bhedu
Cloacina and the Merde Grande
Mushrooms of Llaphedon
Courts of the Alfar
Panacea Potions
Mundo the Seal
The Lilu
The Old School Part 1, Part 2
Satchel Buck's Lonely Souls Club
Four Knightly Orders
Dungeon Hobo Slang and Signs
Clerical Relics

The Great Discape

Part 1, Part 2
Bestiary 1, Bestiary 2, Bestiary 3

Space Stuff

Spaceship Character Class
Spaceship Encounters

Distant Lands of Diy

Version 1, Version 2


Clerical Relics
Dung Knight
Nightsoil Priest


Florens and Hauflins


Reverse Monsters
Ordinary Magical Animals
Spaceship Encounters

Random Tables

100 Biblical Events and Aesthetics
100 Convictions
20 Hordes of Monstrous Humanoids
20 Lingering Effects of Petrification
20 Memories of Old Wars
20 Magical Masks
20 Weird World Locations
20 Spells From My Playlist
20 Wizarding Colleges
26 Cults
24 Easy Family Trees
336 Wizards
What the Fuck am I Scrying?
The Crow's Foot
Goblin Plots, Pockets, and Broodmothers
It's October 9th!

Play Reports

One offs: 1
Fwea: 1 (Tomb of the Chimera Kings), 2 (Kidnap the Archpriest)
Diy: 1 (Blood in the Chocolate)
DCO With Randos: 1, 2
D6 Star Wars: 1


Fire on the Velvet Horizon
Tome of Beasts
Star Wars: The Last Jedi


The Greasetrap Lesson
The World of Fwea
Joyce Byers is the perfect Call of Cthulhu NPC
2017 Year in Review Setting
Horror is a Living Thing
Build a Better Cult
#DIY30 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
Womb of Annihilation
Delta Eclipse
Hoypoloi Sector 
Notes Towards a Pyre Tabletop

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Class: Bard

Bruno Cesar

University wizards love going on about the music of the spheres. Endless papers written about the eternal harmony of celestial bodies, vibrations of the astral plane, the choir invisible, blah blah blah.

Needless to say, that's not really how it all works.

School: Bard

Perk: You can earn [reaction roll] silver pieces through busking per day while in town.

Drawback: You make a lot of noise and your hands are generally occupied with an instrument.


1: You may make a piercing whistle, and may choose to make it inaudible to humans.

2: You may infect someone with an ear-worm of up to 30 seconds in length, lasting for 1d8 hours and recurring 1d6 hours later on a failed save.

3: You may transmit basic messages and commands through your instrument.

Spell List:

Bardic uses a few unique mechanics:
  • All spells have the same range, being that of hearing distance.
  • Spell dice, while rolled and burnt as normal, do no directly empower spells: instead, each spell die invoked represents an active effect for the current song.
  • Active effects cannot be doubled.
  • Spells will cease to have effect when the caster is interrupted (damaged, pushed over,
Song of Healing
Allies gain 1d6 HP.

Song of Resistance
Allies gain +1 to saves.

Song of Scaresome Might
Enemies take -1 to morale.

Song of Battle 
Allies gain +1 to hit.

Song of Inspiration
Enemies take -1 to hit.

Song of Courage
Allies gain resistance to fear.

Song of Spells
Enemies must pass save vs magic to cast a successful spell.

Song of Luck
Allies will make a successful critical strike on 19-20.

Song of the Fleetfoot
Allies may move an additional space on their turn.

Song of Discord
Enemies must save vs magic or be deafened.

Song of Softness
Enemies deal -1 damage

Song of Striking
Allies gain + 1 damage.



I Would Like a More Different, More Traditional Spell List:

Put your favorite playlist on shuffle and keep going until you get twelve song titles you like. Make those into spells. If you are lazy, supplement from the list below:
  1. Synchronicity II
  2. Blind Guardian
  3. Till My Head Falls Off
  4. Busted and Blue
  5. Leave My Body
  6. The Drugs
  7. Bloody Stream
  8. Garage Palace
  9. Last Living Souls
  10. If We Were Vampires
  11. The Opened Way
  12. The Invading Tyrant
  13. Champagne Supernova
  14. Reaper Man
  15. 666 Kill Chop Deluxe
  16. Dragons in the Mud
  17. Snake Soul
  18. First In Last Out
  19. Hymn to Nikkal No. 6
  20. Blood and Thunder


  1. Guitar
  2. Banjo
  3. Fiddle
  4. Bouzouki 
  5. Sitar
  6. Drum
  7. Hurdy-gurdy
  8. Pan pipes
  9. Bagpipes
  10. Bamboo flute
  11. Harmonica
  12. Tin whistle
  13. Ocarina
  14. Lyre
  15. Polyphonic chant
  16. Accordion
  17. Bells
  18. Upright bass
  19. Brass horn
  20. Spoons


  1. The song is lost, spend 1d6 turns getting it going again.
  2. Song ends abruptly, all dice invoked burn out.
  3. All allies deafened for 1d6 turns.
  4. Current song is reduced to 1 random effect.
  5. Take 1d6 damage.
  6. Spell dice return only on 1-2 for 24 hours.


  1. The muse has left, your music is mundane and mediocre for 24 hours.
  2. As above, for 3 days.
  3. Your music has left you forever.
This doom can be avoided by putting on your blue suede shoes and touching down in the land of the delta blues, in the middle of the pouring rain. Alternatively, bet your soul against a devil's golden fiddle and win.

Monday, February 26, 2018

Class: Magelander

Magic bursts forth from the earth here, raw and vibrant. The grass is greener, the sky is bluer, the air is fresher. There are no wizards here - why would you need to study magic if there is mana in every breath, every meal, every cell, heavy and sweet as honey? You are free - from academic rigor, from social obligation, from human bindings. Free as the magic in and above the earth. The fools packed behind the grey walls of Mund, what do they know? Nothing of life, for certain.

School: Magelander

Perk: Impressive hat or hood that obscures the face. Bright red / blue / gold robes that cannot be dirtied.

Drawback: Start with 1 mutation.


1: You may conceal your mutations beneath your robes, and make dramatic reveals of them.

2: Can throw voice within 20' or speak with a polyphonic voice.

3: Colors within 5' may be changed or brightened at will.

Spell List:

There is no set spell list for magelanders. Instead, whenever you learn a new spell or spells, roll for  magic words from the list or lists of your choice and choose two words for each spell. Assemble them as you wish. 

Secret Shark
R: Touch T: Door or container D: [sum] rounds
When the target is opened, the spell summons an adult great white shark of 3+[dice] HD, that will thrash around and attempt to bite (1d8 damage) all nearby beings until it dies in [sum] rounds.

Confuse Corpse
R: 20' T: Undead creature of [dice] HD x2 or less D: 10 minutes
The target becomes immensely confused, as if aware for the first time of its state. This is characterized by the creature starring at its hands, staring out into space, staring up into the heavens, and silently mouthing simple phrases of existential questioning. It will pay no attention to any creatures during the duration of this spell.

Heart Light
R: Touch T: Recently removed heart  D: [sum] hours
The heart gives off light equivalent to a standard oil lamp. It will float steadily within 5' of the caster, and gives off a calm, appropriate beat. Additional effects can occur depending on [sum].
  • If the heart is lit for more than 6 hours, it will begin to whisper secrets about the party. There is a 1/3 chance these are lies.
  • If the heart is lit for more than 10 hours, random encounters will be triggered on 1-2.
  • If the heart is lit for more than 14 hours, all corpses within its light have a 50% chance of re-animation
  • If the heart is lit for more than 18 hours, it will gain one charge of fire spray (15' cone, 3d6 damage)
Animating Laugh
R: 30' T: Creatures in range D: 1 minute
Caster lets out a hearty laugh that imbues those that hear it with vigor and energy. [sum] points are split among those who listen to add to their rolls: points that go unused by the end of the time limit are not saved. 

Hold Tongue
R: 30' T: Creature D: [sum] turns
The target is muted. If 4 [dice] are invoked, the caster may pull the target's tongue out and do with it what they will before it is returned to the target's mouth.

Detect Storm
R: 20 miles T: Area D: 0
Caster is capable of determining any inclement weather developing within the scanning area. If 2 or more [dice] are invoked, the severity and length will be accurately determined.

Fear Deer
R: 40' line T: Area D: 0
Summons a spectral deer of nightmarish appearance. All beings who gaze upon it must make a save vs. fear at -[dice]. The blind, and those who know to cover their eyes, will not be affected. 

Steel Wall
R: 5' T: Ground D: 0
Creates a steel wall [dice]x2 ft in length and up to 10' in height. The wall has 30 HP and can be broken through with bludgeoning or fire damage.

Machine Gate
R: Touch T: Surface D: 5 minutes
Opens up a doorway into the Inner Sanctum of Click-Cog

Reveal Thought
R: 20' T: Creature D: 0
Reveals the thoughts of the target, which float in the air as glowing glyphs. [dice] number of thoughts can be transcribed, with a total of [sum] words split among all of them.

Tiger Cabal
R: N/A T: N/A D: 0
Summons three representatives of the Hidden Council of Stripes, sitting at table and partaking of their conference meal. The caster may ask favors of them, including but not limited to:
  • Deal [sum]+[dice] damage, as magic missile
  • [dice] pieces of pertinent information.
  • Change the weather for [sum] hours.
  • Providing [dice] x2 rations worth of raw meat.
  • Revealing secret doors
Casting this spell requires the sacrifice of [sum] / 2 HP. It it is cast more than once per day, it will instead summon an angry tiger.

Morph Bones
R: Touch T: Bone D: 0
The caster may shape [dice] bones into any simple shape of equivalent mass.Weapons, armor, and tools can be crafted, given sufficient material.

Yonghui Jia


  1. Take 1d6 damage, roll for a mutation.
  2. Deafened for 1d6 turns, roll for a mutation
  3. Blinded for 1d6 turns, roll for a mutation
  4. Explodes, reforms in 1d6 hours, roll for a mutation
  5. Transforms into whirlwind of fire for 1d6 turns, roll for a mutation.
  6. Roll for two mutations


  1. You become dull and grey for a full day. Your spell dice are cut in half and you can only cast random orthodox spells.
  2. You become dull and grey for three days. You are reduced to one spell die and may only cast random orthodox spells.
  3. You are permanently bleak and lifeless. You are reduced to one spell die, and may only know a total of three orthodox spells, at random.
These dooms can be avoided by eating fruit of the Hidden Tree, or by casting oneself into the Maelstrom of the Lobster-God.

Saturday, February 24, 2018

Return to the Distant Lands of Diy

Click for full size

Hail Flailsnail!

We return to the Distant Lands of Diy, now significantly bigger. And hand-drawn! As before, I've smashed together as many modules, supplements, adventures and dungeons as I could into a single map. With only a few exceptions, these are all ones I either own, want to own, or are free anyway (free ones will be marked with an *, if anyone seeing this is new in these here parts.)

Cities and Regions

  • Vornheim (Vornheim, Zak S)
  • Krevborna (Krevborna, Jack Shear)
  • Carcosa (Carcosa, Geoffery McKinney)
  • The Immortal Capital (Kidnap the Archpriest, Skerples)
  • Thule (Kidnap the Archpriest, Skerples)
  • Scarabae (multiple posts, Jack Shear)*
  • Karlstadt (Better than Any Man, James Raggi IV)*
  • The Hills (Chromatic Soup vol 2, Evlyn Moreau et. al)*
  • Biting Marshes (Chromatic Soup vol 1, Evlyn Moreau et. al)*
  • Corpathium ("In Corpathium", Logan Knight)*
  • Marlinko (Fever Dreaming Marlinko, Chris Kutalik)
  • Slumbering Ursine Dunes (Slumbering Ursine Dunes, Chris Kutalik)
  • Dunnsmouth (Scenic Dunnsmouth, Zzarchov Kowolski)
  • Caversdale (No Salvation for Witches, Rafael Chandler)
  • The Misty Isle (Misty Isles of the Eld, Chris Kutalik)
  • Elatior (Maze of the Blue Medusa, Zak S.)
  • Leuke (Bad Myrmidon, Rafael Chandler)
  • Isle of the Unknown (Isle of the Unknown, Geoffery McKinney)
  • Hot Springs Island (Hot Springs Island, Jacob Hurst)
  • The Skyfortress (Broodmother Skyfortress, Jeff Rients)
  • The Great Discape (multiple posts, Dan D.)*
  • Quelong (Quelong, Kenneth Hite)
  • Yoon-Suin (Yoon-Suin, David McGrogan)
  • Denethix (Anomalous Subsurface Environment, Patrick Wetmore)
  • The Wicked City (multiple posts, Joseph Manola)*
  • Xor (multiple posts, Konsumterra)*
  • The Shoulders of Giants (On the Shoulders of Giants, Chance Phillips)
  • Perdition (Perdition, Courtney Campbell)
  • QuVrst (Fire on the Velvet Horizon, Scrap Princess and Patrick Stuart)
  • Jukai City (Fire on the Velvet Horizon, Scrap Princess and Patrick Stuart)
  • Hubris (Hubris, Mike Evans)
  • Meatlandia (The Chaos Gods come to Meatlandia, Ahimsa Kerp and Wind Lothimer)
  • Kwantoom (Mad Monks of Kwantoom, Kabuki Kaiser)
  • Gathox (Gathox Vertical Slum, David Lewis Johnson)
  • Lethlygon ("Purple Lightning People", Arnold Kemp)*
  • Strange Stars (Strange Stars, Trey Causey)
  • A Red and Pleasant Land (A Red and Pleasant Land, Zak S.)
  • The World Between (Grotesque and Dungeonesque vol 1-III, Jack Shear)
  • The Veins of the Earth (Veins of the Earth, Scrap Princess and Patrick Stuart)
  • The Ghoul Market (Vacant Ritual Assembly 1, Clint Krause)
  • Goblintown (multiple posts, Arnold Kemp)*

Points of Interest

  1. Blood in the Chocolate (Kiel Chenier)
  2. Sleeping Place of the Feathered Swine (Logan Knight)
  3. Death Frost Doom (Zak S and James Raggi IV)
  4. Deep Carbon Observatory (Scrap Princess and Patrick Stuart)
  5. Palace of the Silver Princess DIY (All and sundry)*
  6. Ruinous Palace of the Metegorgos (Evey Lockhart)
  7. Doom-Cave of the Crystal-Headed Children (James Raggi IV)*
  8. Vile Vengeance of the Bees (Buzzclaw)*
  9. Monolith from Beyond Time and Space (James Raggi IV)
  10. Find-and-Replace Dungeon (Zak S)*
  11. Stygian Garden of Abelia Pem (Clint Krause)
  12. Tower of the Stargazer (James Raggi IV)
  13. Atheneum of Yearning (Oswald)*
  14. Tomb of the Serpent Kings (Skerples)
  15. Halls Untoward (Michael Prescott et al)*
  16. Anomalous Subsurface Environment (Patrick Wetmore)
  17. Comes the Mountain (Gus L)*
  18. Gelatinous Dome (Jeff Call)*
  19. The Inverse Tower (Michael Raston)*
  20. Hounds of Low Tide (Kiel Chenier, Michael Prescott)*
  21. Under the Waterless Sea (Zzarchov Kowolski)

Character Options 

We're not done yet! FLAILSNAILS protocols are in effect and all compatible classes are welcome (see here for a list), and to those I like to add:

Monday, February 19, 2018

All the Lights in the Sky are Wizards

Fun and helpful fact: if you ever need a good name for a wizard, use the proper name of a real-world star. All that Arabic / Greek / Latin / occasional Chinese really comes in handy for something impressive and ancient sounding.

But since the Wikipdia article doesn't have numbers or fun wizard traits, I added those.

366 Wizards


  1. Acamar

Actually an awakened fetus.

  1. Achernar


  1. Achird

Only eats white rice.

  1. Acrab

Oversees massive pornography library.

  1. Acrux

A gigantic ferret, no one questions it.

  1. Acubens

Sleeps on a bed of roses.

  1. Adhafera

Coelacanth hat.

  1. Adhara

Wears two hats.

  1. Adhil

Wears three hats.

  1. Ain

Wears nothing but hats.

  1. Ainalrami

Basilisk-hide slippers.

  1. Aladfar

Collects statues of muscular women.

  1. Alamak

Has been sleepwalking for the last 40 years.

  1. Alathfar

Aging heavy metal fan.

  1. Albaldah

Beloved pet: giant salamander.

  1. Albali

Skilled impressionist painter.

  1. Albireo

Convincing dementia act.

  1. Alchiba

Successfully became own grandpa.

  1. Alcor

Lives inside giant geode.

  1. Alcyone

Really good at crochet.

  1. Aldebaran

Has NOTHING to do with that demon attack.

  1. Alderamin

Owns alchemical micro-brewery.

  1. Aldhanab

Competitive sturgeon-breeder.

  1. Aldhibah

Far too into taxidermy for this skill level.

  1. Aldulfin

Unhealthy obsession with watermelons.

  1. Alfirk

Best damn barbecue in the world.

  1. Algedi

Child of a miner and a whore; proud of it.

  1. Algenib

Has kept silver spoon in mouth since birth.

  1. Algieba

Freakishly punctual, expects others to be so.

  1. Algol

Three-foot-long fingernails.

  1. Algorab

Has wooden eyes.

  1. Alhena

Enthusiastic jogger.

  1. Alioth

Cobwebs in eyebrows.

  1. Aljanah

Loves the ocean, cannot swim.

  1. Alkaid

Never removes iron-shod gloves.

  1. Al Kalb al Rai

Way too many bird feeders.

  1. Alkalurops

Mysterious number tattooed on forehead.

  1. Alkaphrah

Wears clothes three sizes too big.

  1. Alkarab

Everything is yellow.

  1. Alkes

Secretly a woman.

  1. Al Kurud

Secretly a man.

  1. Almaaz

Eats gunpowder for breakfast.

  1. Almach

Excessive sunflower seed consumption.

  1. Al Minliar al Asad

Loves the smell of industrial smog.

  1. Alnair

Often found at curry stands late at night.

  1. Alnasl

Hair just gets everywhere, it’s gross.

  1. Alnilam

Seeking to destroy the Influence Machine.

  1. Alnitak

Doesn’t actually have anything better to do.

  1. Alniyat

Lost their wallet.

  1. Alphard

Breeds square cows and rectangular sheep

  1. Alphecca

Spies on all their friends’ business.

  1. Alpheratz

Immense, hairy ears.

  1. Alrakis

Has rather silly ideas about anthropology.

  1. Alrescha

Can never find matching socks.

  1. Alsafi

Impossibly intricate filing system.

  1. Alsciaukat

Only has one joke in their book.

  1. Alsephina

Obsessive collector of a collectible card game.

  1. Alshain

Definitely not a body snatcher.

  1. Alshat

Firm believer in snake oil.

  1. Altair

Keeps trying to get spelling reform going.

  1. Altais

Hawaiian shirts; every day, year round.

  1. Altarf

Runs a troupe of dancing skeletons.

  1. Alterf

False teeth made out of ivory dominos.

  1. Aludra

Misspelled tattoo.

  1. Alula Australis

Blue hair, no explanation.

  1. Alula Borealis

Nitpicks plot holes in operas.

  1. Alya

Perpetually mourning unknown party.

  1. Alzirr

Rings made of moon rocks.

  1. Ancha

Choir of mounted, singing fish.

  1. Angetenar

Super-picky about aesthetics.

  1. Ankaa

Always sucking on a corn cob.

  1. Anser

Believes the government is run by lizardpeople.

  1. Antares

Perennial cubist.

  1. Arcturus

Bathes in yogurt.

  1. Arkab Posterior

Cannot stand the color blue.

  1. Arkab Prior

Lives on a creepy backwoods farm.

  1. Arneb

Fossil enthusiast.

  1. Ascella

Followed by an infestation of centipedes.

  1. Asellus Australis

Lived in a cave for five years.

  1. Asellus Borealis

Has no compunction about public shame.

  1. Asellus Primus

All-organic magic only, no gluten.

  1. Asellus Secundus

Turban the size of a large dog.

  1. Asellus Thertius

Scholar of antiquities.

  1. Asmidiske

Malapropic neologisms.

  1. Aspidiske

Ran ghost tours a few years back.

  1. Asterope

Has not slept in four years.

  1. Athebyne

Paragon of prep.

  1. Atik

God of goth.

  1. Atlas

Becomes dizzy easily.

  1. Atria

Lives in the vents.

  1. Avior

Haunted by a giant cockroach.

  1. Azelfafage

Makes narwhal cheese.

  1. Azha

Writes elaborate historical fanfiction.

  1. Barnard's Star

Has a witch’s nipple.

  1. Baten Kaitos

Prematurely old.

  1. Beemim

Insurance fraudster.

  1. Beid

Doesn’t look very wizardly.

  1. Bellatrix

Constantly popping mysterious pills.

  1. Betelgeuse

Picks compulsively at cuticles.

  1. Bharani

Snake cultist.

  1. Biham

Secret cookie dough stash.

  1. Botein

Bound feet.

  1. Brachium

Artificially shaped skull

  1. Canopus

Anti-undead apocalypse prepper

  1. Capella

Ex-vizier to a dark lord.

  1. Caph


  1. Castor

Dry, flaky skin.

  1. Castula

Prominent incisors.

  1. Cebalrai

Loads of piercings.

  1. Celaeno

Smells like eggs.

  1. Cervantes

Mushrooms for hair.

  1. Chalawan

Chews betel leaf.

  1. Chamukuy

Naked mole rat exhibit in living room.

  1. Chara

Volunteer fireman.

  1. Chertan

Cares about century-old football stats.

  1. Copernicus

Absolute maniac of a drummer.

  1. Cor Caroli

Terrifying yodel.

  1. Cujam

Classical oboist.

  1. Cursa

Has a stuffed alligator in study/

  1. Dabih

Forked tongue.

  1. Dalim

Tiger-stripe tattoos.

  1. Deneb

Snail jouster.

  1. Deneb Algedi

Former priest.

  1. Denebola

Extremely cold hands.

  1. Diadem

Saffron venture capitalist.

  1. Diphda

Stigmata, origins unclear and obfuscated.

  1. Dschubba

Moss-green fingers from reagent stains.

  1. Dubhe

Role-plays a crazy old hermit in a swamp.

  1. Dziban

Impossibly bad dating luck.

  1. Edasich

Has gone through seven spouses.

  1. Electra

Entirely too many belts and pockets.

  1. Elnath

Permanently runny nose.

  1. Eltanin

Has a prize-winning pet pug.

  1. Enif

Puts mayonnaise on everything.

  1. Errai

Writes letters home to mother constantly.

  1. Fafnir

Never brushes teeth.

  1. Fang

Has never had hair cut.

  1. Fum al Samakah

Paints faces on rocks and keeps them as friends.

  1. Fomalhaut

Persistent case of bouncy leg.

  1. Fulu

Navigates via “port” and “starboard” on land.

  1. Furud

Just went out for some cigarettes...

  1. Fuyue

Proselytizes for Wizcoin.

  1. Gacrux

Snorts when laughing.

  1. Garnet Star

Creepy yellow teeth.

  1. Giausar

Fractals on clothes, all brightly colored.

  1. Gienah

Smells distressingly like roast turkey.

  1. Ginan

Cheerful phrenologist.

  1. Gomeisa

Loves clocks, can’t read them.

  1. Graffias

Has never eaten a vegetable.

  1. Grumium

Carries father’s organs in canopic jars.

  1. Hadar

A cowboy.

  1. Haedus

A pirate.

  1. Hamal

Recently started a new diet.

  1. Hassaleh

Plays a fiddle won from a crossroads stranger.

  1. Hatysa

Aesthetically-pleasing facial scar.

  1. Helvetios

Lives in a garbage dump.

  1. Heze

Wears an owl mask.

  1. Homam

Parkour enthusiast, but only for watching.

  1. Iklil

Entirely too many pineapples.

  1. Intercrus

Slick 3-D glasses, just because.

  1. Izar

Cuff-links and crown made of bismuth

  1. Jabbah

Keeps rifle above mantelpiece.

  1. Jishui

Pink hair.

  1. Kaffaljidhma

Constantly windswept hair.

  1. Kang

Luxurious mustache.

  1. Kaus Australis

Home-made ice-cream, all the time.

  1. Kaus Borealis

Checkers fiend.

  1. Kaus Media

Having paramour trouble.

  1. Keid

Hirsute to the extreme.

  1. Khambalia

Elephantiasis in the left leg.

  1. Kitalpha

Pet tapeworm.

  1. Kochab

Still wears a hat from the revolution.

  1. Kornephoros

Was down the river, won’t tell what was seen.

  1. Kraz

Still sleeps with security owlbear.

  1. Kuma

Lives atop a termite mound.

  1. Kurhah

Actually a tulpa.

  1. La Superba

Afraid of the number 11.

  1. Larawag

Actually a homunculus

  1. Lesath

From the future (lie).

  1. Libertas

From the future (truth).

  1. Lich


  1. Lilii Borea


  1. Maasym

Lucha mask.

  1. Mahasim


  1. Maia

Teepee hat.

  1. Marfark


  1. Marfik


  1. Markab

Heart on the wrong side.

  1. Markeb

Extra finger on each hand.

  1. Marsic


  1. Matar


  1. Mebsuta

Pretending to be dead for tax reasons.

  1. Megrez

Papaya tree growing out of hat.

  1. Meissa

Demon-leather jacket.

  1. Mekbuda

Amateur paleontologist.

  1. Meleph

Lazy eye.

  1. Menkalinan

Ratty clothes.

  1. Menkar

Badger-stripe hair.

  1. Menkent

Built like a brick shithouse.

  1. Menkib

Terrible handwriting.

  1. Merak

Leaves ink stains everywhere.

  1. Merga

Trade guildsman.

  1. Meridiana

Nose ring.

  1. Merope

Shoes with bells on.

  1. Mesarthim

Brags about killing a windmill.

  1. Miaplacidus

Platypus mascot costume.

  1. Mimosa

Smoked some dank shit in college.

  1. Minchir


  1. Minelauva

Loves house geckos.

  1. Mintaka

Catastrophic acne.

  1. Mira

Scraggly-ass beard.

  1. Mirach

Peacock-feather cape.

  1. Miram


  1. Mirfak

Available for birthday parties.

  1. Mirzam

Part of a barbershop quartet.

  1. Misam

Not actually a vampire.

  1. Mizar

Carves runs in everything.

  1. Mothallah

Compulsive hair plucker/

  1. Muliphein

Trains a flea circus.

  1. Muphrid

Dead parrot on shoulder.

  1. Muscida

Heirloom sword, doesn’t know how to use.

  1. Musica

Wears rings on every finger.

  1. Naos

Dull and crooked halo.

  1. Nashira


  1. Navi

Birds nest in hair.

  1. Nekkar

Incredibly spooky without trying.

  1. Nembus

Braided beard, down to ankles.

  1. Nihal

Used to be an undertaker.

  1. Nunki

Wears a carpet over their shoulders.

  1. Nusakan

Insists on proper fork placement.

  1. Ogma

Occasionally vomits eggs.

  1. Peacock

Ludicrous feathered boa.

  1. Phact

Causes statues to start crying.

  1. Phecda

Loves a good fry-up.

  1. Pherkad

Wears plaids and stripes together.

  1. Pipirima

Claims to be a god is disguise.

  1. Pleione

Bushy ear hair.

  1. Polaris

Has tinnitus.

  1. Polaris Australis

Carries around a mystery box, never opened.

  1. Polis

Carries around a jar of pickled eels.

  1. Pollux

Had tower stolen by bears.

  1. Porrima

Escaped from horrible abusive mother.

  1. Praecipua

Misplaced the keys to their tower.

  1. Prima Hyadum

Keeps hearing rats in the walls.

  1. Procyon

Definitely not a spy from a rival nation, nope.

  1. Propus

Luxurious lion-like mane.

  1. Proxima Centauri

Recent, disastrous political run.

  1. Ran

Unbeatable fighting spirit.

  1. Rana

Good personal hygiene.

  1. Rasalas


  1. Rasalgethi

Heavy perspirator.

  1. Rasalhague

Mountain climber.

  1. Rastaban

Twitchy eye.

  1. Regor

Overwhelming smell of pumpkin spice.

  1. Regulus

Still has milk teeth.

  1. Revati

Peg leg.

  1. Rigel

Alien abductee.

  1. Rigil Kentaurus

Does “crystal healing” for the gullible.

  1. Rotanev

Acts like billionaire playboy, not even close.

  1. Ruchbah

Extended earlobes.

  1. Rukbat

Lengthened neck.

  1. Sabik

Smells vaguely of salt.

  1. Saclateni

Crocodile tears.

  1. Sadachbia

Trained teeth-cleaner bird.

  1. Sadalbari

Heterochromia, blue / brown.

  1. Sadalmelik

Wears shorts in winter.

  1. Sadalsuud

Loves rainy days.

  1. Sadr

Wears pants on head.

  1. Saiph

Working on a novel.

  1. Salm

Reptilian being in a skinsuit.

  1. Sargas

Oversized ears.

  1. Sarin

Recent immigrant.

  1. Sarir 

Terrible miser.

  1. Sceptrum

Has a long-term pen-pal.

  1. Scheat

Bathysphere operator.

  1. Schedar

Whale watcher.

  1. Secunda Hyadum

Trade connections in Leng.

  1. Segin

Growing a snail shell.

  1. Seginus

Did 20 years in the oubliette.

  1. Sham

Red eyes.

  1. Shaula

Still uses slide rule.

  1. Sheliak

Chimera aficionado, goes to all the cons.

  1. Sheratan

Silk slippers with iron toes.

  1. Sirius


  1. Situla

Disconcerting taste for blood.

  1. Skat

Owns and plays a pipe organ.

  1. Spica

Has two shadows.

  1. Sualocin

Writes restaurant review column.

  1. Subra

Always has a flask of moonshine.

  1. Suhail

Definitely saw bigfoot.

  1. Sulafat

Taste for candied scorpion snacks.

  1. Syrma

Theological reformer.

  1. Tabit

Super-repressed puritan.

  1. Taiyangshou

Looks exactly like a notable personage.

  1. Taiyi

Park ranger.

  1. Talitha

Aviator sunglasses, even at night.

  1. Tania Australis

Kaleidoscope eyes.

  1. Tania Borealis

Fresh pine scent.

  1. Tarazed

New face paint every day.

  1. Taygeta

Fancy top hat.

  1. Tegmine

Embarrassing birthmark.

  1. Tejat

Nose bitten off by giant rat.

  1. Terebellum

Astronautic enthusiast.

  1. Thabit 

Unappreciated artist (and that’s a shame)

  1. Theemin

Unappreciated artist (for good reason)

  1. Thuban

Survival-situation cannibal.

  1. Tiaki

Cheshire grin.

  1. Tianguan

Former schoolteacher.

  1. Tianyi

Walrus mustache.

  1. Titawin

Prominent nosehair.

  1. Tonatiuh

Hoards leftover food.

  1. Torcular


  1. Tureis

Consorts with unsavory folk.

  1. Unukalhai

Pasta snob.

  1. Unurgunite

Not the sharpest bulb in the crayon drawer.

  1. Vega

Wrestled a crocodile once.

  1. Veritate

Orange sherbet hair.

  1. Vindemiatrix


  1. Wasat

Villainous goatee.

  1. Wazn

In real need of a nap.

  1. Wezen

Caffeine addict.

  1. Wurren

Can’t eat dairy.

  1. Xamidimura

Escaped a cult.

  1. Xuange

Does a mean Punch and Judy.

  1. Yed Posterior

Hopeless bureaucrat.

  1. Yed Prior

Hates crystals.

  1. Yildun

Loves crystals.

  1. Zaniah

Always has to knock on doors.

  1. Zaurak

Coonskin hat.

  1. Zavijava

Invisible hat.

  1. Zhang

Inverse hat.

  1. Zibal

Deals in counterfeit artifacts.

  1. Zosma

Is not actually a medical doctor.

  1. Zubenelgenubi

Played sportsball in college.

  1. Zubenelhakrabi

Always keeps their right hand covered.

  1. Zubeneschamali

Smells of petrichor.