Miniposts: Tower Wizards, Funeral Customs, Paracausality

This Place is Not a Place of Honor

Tower-wizards are the great weapons of deterrence. Any conflict that escalates to the point of releasing them is one where, at the very minimum, entire cities are going to have to be rendered uninhabitable. Simply implying that wizards should be used to resolve a conflict is considered a war crime. Not even the most amoral members of the Cartographer's Guild would welcome a wizarding war, though if any of them survived they would certainly become very rich in the aftermath.

Wizards (or more specifically, wizards that have reached the point where they have begun to build themselves a Tower) are paranoid, megalomaniacal, obsessive, and long ago threw away any ethical compunctions that might have once possessed. They will do unspeakably cruel things simple because the thought crossed their mind, and will abandon such fancies the moment another idea crosses their mind. The prospect of the horrific deaths of tens of thousands or more would not even register as an event, so blinded they are by their depthless and all-consuming hatred of all other wizards.

And so, for those nations that house Tower-Wizards within their borders, the goal becomes containment above all else.

Towers are placed far away from human habitation (or, rather, no normal humans would ever habitate close to an inhabited Tower), though not far enough away to weaken surveillance. Each is  surrounded by acres of hostile architecture - angular earthworks, enormous concrete spikes, fields of broken glass. Warnings of death written in ten languages or more are carved in monolithic stones along the perimeter.

The Tower's interior is combination private study, labyrinth, prison and playground, filled with their creations and projects. Space and time are malleable there - always bigger on the inside than the outside, stretching up far taller and digging down far deeper than its stone shell would suggest.

The best way to keep a wizard in his Tower is to keep him distracted - and the best way to do this is some combination of short-term dopamine feedback loops.

Petty arguments and pornography.

For the former; through the tireless efforts of skilled necromancers, a lobotomized spider-godling, and the entire priesthood of a god of communication, an incredibly elaborate means of scrying directly with the countless souls of the dead was created. Specifically so that the wizard might never run out of people to argue with, that the people he argues with are in no danger of death, and so that he is perpetually distracted from attempting to contact other wizards. It is an astounding success, but the countless souls of the dead have made it clear that they do this purely to prevent overwhelming the cthonic bureaucracy, and refuse outright to participate in a wider application.

For the latter, a thaumovore is used - a simple arcane parasite that feeds off of excess atmospheric orgone, and in exchange will provide the host with whatever visions and illusions will provide them with the most energy to feed on.

Many wizards will brag of their expansive succubi harems - these projection-manifestations are always the work of a clever thaumovore rather than any actual demonology work, and for that we should be thankful.

Should containment fail and a wizard go rogue, it instantly becomes an international crisis. Better have no wizards at all than be the nation that let one run amok and start conflict with another wizard. A single indication of a change in the wizard's behavior, even his mere contemplating leaving the Tower, is enough reason to kill the wizard. Containment breaches cannot be risked.

To do so, a covert insertions is necessary when - mobilizing an entire army would simply alert him faster. Small parties of specialists kept on retainer by the government responsible will be inserted through the exterior defenses in such a way that they cannot get out again until the Wizard is dead - an unfortunate but necessary precaution.

Common wizard's servitors found inside towers include:

• Vigilant Sentries - The wizard plucks out one of their eyes and feeds it all of their paranoia and spite until it has become a bloated, raving, bloodshot guardian. It will wander the halls of the tower babbling conspiracies to itself.
  
• Homunculi - Mandrake roots (a potent alchemical reagent), infused with semen (provided by the wizard) and fermented in a warm bath of humours inside a horse's womb. Why? Because they fucking can.
  
• Animated Objects and Armor - A menial task of wizardry. Given simple "If–then(–else)" programming while the wizard waits for the kettle to boil, and then let loose in the house.
  
• Imps - Wizards will often summon and bind minor demons such as these for single tasks and leave them collecting dust in their cages for decades. Eventually they escape, but without being dismissed they are forced to live in the walls like mice.
  
• Gargoyles - Statues embedded with the spirits of the dead. Transmit recordings of events to outside observers.
  

Hill Country Funeral Customs

And Chonagah asked the heron "Is it true then, that you know the way to the land of my fathers?"

"Ah, yes, that way. A swift way, a dark road through a dark forest. It is not a way one can turn back upon."

Certain spirits are fond of unattended bodies, and so funerary customs around the world must take on a third responsibility: beyond consoling of the family and safe internment of the body,there is the prevention of dangerous undead. In the hill country, the process goes like this.

The town witch (or her apprentice) will be called to the home or the House of Departing as soon as the death has occurred. She will lead the preparation of the body - in her absence, family or other community members can still safely prepare the body so long as they follow the appropriate customs.

The deceased will be carefully cleaned and dressed in a funeral garment - in these parts, funeral shrouds are traditionally given as wedding gifts from parents to children. Fungal shrouds from Llaphedon are becoming a common alternative in these days of greater connection in the world, as is the bequeathing of bones to necromancers

Two copper coins are placed on the eyes of the deceased. They are stamped with a quartering cross, and the quarters are marked with four signs.

• A heron, traditional psychopomp of the region
• A sun crossing the horizon, marking a point of transition.
• A river trout, leaping up out of the water, a symbol of travelers and journeys.
• The North Star with attendants, symbol of eternity, stability, and peace.
  

If the body is to be cremated, a face veil will be used as a substitute and the coins added later, when the bones are interred. For unclaimed or unknown bodies, it is traditional to present them for cremation wearing a wooden crown, according to ancient hospitality custom - any stranger among you might be a honored person in their own land.

A vigil will be kept through the night, with the town witch and family members taking shifts. This is the most delicate time, where the body is most vulnerable to possession, but so long as at least one person is awake and sitting vigil, the deceased will come to no harm. If no family or community members are present (a rare occurrence), the witch will sit for the entire night.

The funeral will take place at dawn the following day, led by the town priest (if possible, a priest of a funeral god; if needed, anyone in the community can say the rites). The body will be cremated (typical) or buried (becoming more common with fungal shrouds). Bones and ashes will be interred in catacombs or otherwise buried.

From there, the funeral concerns itself with the living, and if all has gone well the danger has passed.

Should something go wrong, or rites not be performed at all, the appearance of an undead is not guaranteed, but is likely. The most common are:

• Ghosts are the embers of souls, stirred into activity by the desecration of their burial sites or the mishandling of a corpse.
• Ambulmorts are bodies that have been possessed by ghosts or minor demons. These are most commonly caused by improper preparation of the deceased or failure to maintain vigil. Most are incapable of much more than stumbling about, but those possessed by particularly potent ghosts or demons are much more active and capable of a great deal more, sometimes even speech. Possessed bodies will still decompose at the normal rate.

Commonly misconceived as undead are:

• Ghouls are humans that have contracted ghul-disease (corporophagia) through consumption of human corpses. Primary symptoms are hair loss, weight loss, nerve degeneration, sensitivity to light, the drive to consume more corpses, greying rashes/boils over the entire body, and changes to the teeth, fingers, cartilaginous structures, etc. The disease is not related to leprosy, but resembles it in its early stages close enough that "ghoul-leper" is still a common term. No cure or effective treatment is yet known.
  
• It should be noted that cultures that practice funerary cannibalism will have customs and practices in place to prevent contraction of disease, through consumption of an analeptic during the meal.
• Vampires are humans that have been infected with victiscolex.
  
  

Paracausality and You

As best I can tell, "paracausality" first occurred in Destiny, a game I have never played and don't particularly plan on playing (I only know it because certain Youtube folks I enjoy talk about it on occasion). 

It is a good word, and good words invite brazen theft.

On the SCP Wiki, "anomaly" would be used (or "scip" if you're really in deep). Lobotomy Corporation uses "abnomality". Control uses "objects of power". Paranormal or supernatural are common parlance. I like paracausality more than all of them because like any good faux-scientific term, it is specific: something is bypassing steps in the chain of cause and effect. It is not dependent on perceptions of "normal" or "natural", and eliminates any wiggle room for principles we have yet to understand. It is set apart from miracles (which have the same function but involve intervening gods) and magic (which involves  knowable, consistent, replicatable systems)

At its most simple, I can whittle down paracausalities into three very, very broad categories.

• Type A: Existence Without Cause
• There is no way for the subject to exist or occur within the framework of cause-and-effect found in the rest of the universe.  
• Ex: A pristine late medieval French castle at the bottom of the Pacific.
  
• Type B: Disconnected Effect
• The cause should produce effect A, but instead produces effect Z (or sometimes A+Z). 
• Ex: Antique lamp that triggers whale beachings when turned on.
  
• Type C: Mess Plate
  
• The subject possesses traits of both A and B types. Honestly this is the grab bag catch-all.
  
• Ex: Moths fighting with thorns, in the style of samurai movies. The loser commits seppuku.
  
• Type D: Parallel Processing
• Multiple subjects operating along the cause and effect chain that is nonetheless incompatible with the rest of the universe.
  

A post hoc schema to describe something that is supposed to be ineffable within the hoc.

I get a decent (that is, non-zero) number of comments praising my Lighthouse field guide posts and the contents therein, so I will round out this minipost with the writing techniques I use.

• Be specific - Describe the paracausality as it is, with as much detail as you can within the space you have alloted. Avoid using "it appears to be", unless you can confirm that it is not what it looks like. Write me an image.
  
• Avoid judgement terms - Describe the paracausality in as neutral a tone as you can manage. Let the reader make the judgement calls.
  
• Be inconsistent on the broad scale - Resist the urge to make too many links between paracausalities. It's a great deal of fun, but it will shift your genre into a more traditional fantasy mold.
  
• Use the weirdness of the mundane world to your advantage - You see plenty of weird or unsettling things just going out for a drive. Let that do the heavy lifting for you.
• Reject genre expectations - Those just impose different cause and effect schemas to fulfill a plot. Bin them.
  
• The interaction with the world we know is where the meat is - The paracausality is in many cases the launching point - it exists in conjunction with those observing it and interacting with it. This interaction might only be implied or briefly stated, but it will be there - while the subject itself bypasses cause and effect, those who interact with it are not so free.

The Wizard's Fugue - December Patreon Post

Sam Carr

Anyone can become a wizard. Phenomenal cosmic power can be yours at the low low cost of being driven irrevocably insane.

This is fine. Wizards do not give a shit about safety.

The Wizard’s Fugue is a single-player game, of sorts. Maybe more of a writing exercise. Always start with FOOL. Choose randomly if you want, choose a limited number if you want.

0 FOOL

Property is bequeathed, goodbyes are said, affairs are put in order. From hereon, the initiate is dead to themselves and the world. You descend into the Fugue, where there is mad dancing and the droning of tuneless pipes.

• What did you give away? To whom? What parts of your life did you have to set straight? What are you leaving behind? 

I MAGICIAN

Here is created the book that will contain your spells and soul, built by your own hand. Without it, you are a madman.

• Describe your grimoire - its cover, its binding, its pages and contents. What part of yourself did you put into it, to form the necessary spiritual link?

II HIGH PRIESTESS

The art manifests in a mark on the wizard: a brand, an emblem, a sign, unique to each one.

• What have you been marked with? Does the sign have any meaning?

III EMPRESS

The wizard must live in the world, alas, and the world will push back at them.

• Who among the earthly powers will you have to deal with? What kings and ministers will you have to navigate?

IV EMPEROR

A wizard’s authority is made manifest in the binding of their familiar.

• What have you called up from places unknown? What is its nature, its temperament, its form and power?

V HIEROPHANT

A wizard must know the powers in whose shadow they play. The Fugue is too delicate a time to make contact

• What beings beyond the veil have you seen? Did one attempt to make contact with you?

VI LOVERS

The Fugue severs the past, but cannot erase it. Memories without context will haunt the wizard.

• What images float through your mind? Who have you left behind? What relationships did you burn and set to ghostly wandering in your unstable memory?

VII CHARIOT

No wizard’s retinue is complete without a mystic means of conveyance.

• How are you carried along. How might you make your appearance? How did you make it, buy it, steal it?

VIII STRENGTH

The Fugue grants power, and the means to taming it.

• What arcane art has the Fugue granted you the greatest power in?

IX HERMIT

The wizard’s lot is isolation. They must raise their sanctum by their hands and arts alone.

• Where will you make your hermitage? What shape will it take? Who will you permit entry? How will you defend your solitude?

X WHEEL OF FORTUNE

The Fugue is not without its favors. It will grant a vision of a further power: an artifact, a sacred place, the grimoire of a dead wizard.

• What did the Fugue show you? Where is it? What must you do to attain it?

XI JUSTICE

Wizards have rivals. This is how they do not destroy everything - they are too busy overthrowing each other. The Fugue will bind you with another, a second half to resist and oppose you.

• Who is your rival? Who challenges your power and overturns your schemes, and whose schemes do you overthrow in turn? What was the first interaction you had with them.

XII HANGED MAN

As the initiate is born into wizardry, they must witness a death. Not from a distance, nor from the intimacy of the connections they must burn. A complete stranger, breathing a last, shuddering moment

• Who did you watch die? How did they die? Where? What have you learned?

XIII DEATH

Within the Fugue, a wizard catches a glimpse of their own death. Just a glimpse, an image, an impression. Neither day nor hour is known.

• What did you see? Can you make out anything at all? What image are you left with?

XIV TEMPERANCE

The Fugue will destroy an initiate utterly if they cannot maintain their center. Great energy is given to maintaining

• What chain have you placed upon yourself, to prevent complete dissolution? What principle binds you?

XV DEVIL

The Fugue reveals all, everything that lurks in the dark corners of the initiate’s mind. These demons must be dealt with.

• What demons of your mind has the Fugue dredged up? Did you submit to their power over you, did you suppress, did you synthesize, did you cling to denial and ignorance?

XVI TOWER

In each wizard’s spellbook is an ars magna, a most terrifying and powerful spell that may only be uttered once.

• What great art has been formed from your Fugue-broken soul? What would make you use it?

XVII STAR

Without ambition the wizard is nothing.

• What shall you strive for, when the Fugue is done? Why did you grasp at power in the first place, if not for some hoped-for goal?

XVIII MOON

The dark night contains greater fears for the wizard. The last test is to be confronted by that which will haunt you until death.

• What did you see in the moon’s dim light? What will be the grim terror of your life?

XIX SUN

Dawn is here. You have survived the Fugue.

• How do you feel? What changes have been wrought on your mind and body?

XX JUDGEMENT

Surviving the Fugue is the first step. Surviving the judgement of your peers is the second.

• Who served upon your Council of Three? What did they say to you? How did they treat you? What was their verdict of your transformation?

XXI WORLD

It is done. All complete. You are an initiate no longer, but a full wizard of the arts of mastery.

• Where do you go now? What goes on in the world around you? What revelations have clicked into place?

Soul Magic and the Soul Cycle

All magic comes from the soul. From burning it, specifically. In severing its ties to material reality and releasing it back to the Sea of Souls from whence it came. This makes it somewhat difficult to use magic with your own soul without great personal danger, so the Cunning Arts have been built upon using the souls of other being.

Universal: The strength of a soul is equivalent to the number of HD the creature has. Spells are a limited resource with usage die.

Method 1: Knave
Each HD of the soul increases the usage die of the spell by 1 step (ex. 1 HD = d4, 2 HD = d6, etc). Use Maze Rats spell generation of Beloch's magic words for more fun.

Method 2: Typical OSR
As above, but in reverse: the die size decreases with the level of the spell. Spell level is determined by target HD (Level 1 = d20, Level 2 = d12, etc)

Method 3: GLOG
Each soul has spell dice equal to its HD. These dice burn out on a 6 as normal, and are not replenished.

A soultrap is a sort of lantern built of celestial bronze and finely-shaped lenses. It costs 1000 sp to purchase and is only available in urban areas.To capture a spell, simply open up the trap as the target dies. When a soul is fully burned, a new one may be trapped in its place.

I just learned about draw.io and it is well overdue.

Stages of the Soul Cycle

The Sea of Souls

The source of all souls, and thus of all magic. Numinous and unimpeachable in its existence without form or place. Saints and scholars have yet to come up with anything but illustrative metaphors to define its relationship with the material world.

Embodiment

A soul that has been integrated into a material form. All living organisms have some sort of embodiment, though not all are suitable for usage as a spell (it would be difficult to do anything with the soul of a bacteria, after all). The soul-bearing properties of non-living matter are a still a matter of debate and study - do all stones have a soul, or only those worked by human hands? Do cities have souls? Do rivers? What if you move water from one river to another? So on and so forth.

Working magic from non-living souls is difficult, so most thaumatologists will focus on the living.

Undead

The end result when a soul is removed from an organism before its death. Biological functions continue apace, but without the soul's guidance its behavior may become errant, spiraling out into bizarre and inexplicable repetitive actions.

Ensouled

An experimental form of undeath where a soul is removed from an organism and then returned to it. Most are returned to their original bodies, but transference of a soul to a different body. The souls used in liches do not integrate as in normal embodiment, but are more akin to inhabiting a shell.

Weak Embodiment

An embodied soul that has been tapped for power without death. The targets of tapping are made pale and listless by the process, and recovery may take months or years if it occurs at all.

Strong Embodiment

A soul that has absorbed other souls, generally through consumption of a freshly-removed heart. There is something innately corruptive about this process, and those who practice it are monstrous indeed. No material form, it seems, is meant to hold more than one soul.

Ghost

Most ghosts contain nothing of the original being: the ba often evaporates instantaneously upon death. Those of potent charisma in life are able to maintain continuity into death, however, and even act independently of the typical repetitions of their actions in life.

Weak Ghost

The ghost of a weak embodiment. At this stage ghosts cease to have any individual traits at all, appearing only as misty, vague forms incapable of all but the most basic manifestations. 

Demon

The ghost of a strong embodiment, a roiling gestalt of misshapen and corrupt souls. The means of its creation has made it monstrous, and it will not submit to a soultrap without a fight.

Shade

An ashy smear of a soul - a ghost that has been burnt away to near-nothing, the last vestiges of a spell. The natural decay of a shade leaves it unstable and dangerous - the nuclear waste of the soul.

Class: Allomancer

I've got a friend who's a big Sanderson fan, who asks every so often about running the Mistborn Adventure Game. The odds of that are low, so I did this instead.

Evan Montiero

Class: Allomancer

HP, XP, to-hit: as cleric.
Saves: as specialist.
Restrictions: Cannot wear heavier than leather.
Starting Equipment: Obsidian dagger (1d6, shatters on a 1 causing bleed effect), mistcloak ( +1 AC)

A: Allomancy, 2 metals
B: Into the Mists, +2 metals 
C: Emergency Shot, +2 metals 
D: Burner Pellets, +2 metals

Allomancy
Allomancy works like standard GLOG magic. Spell dice are burned on a 6. An allomancer can hold charges up to their number of templates (maximum 4).

Allomancers do not regain charges daily. Instead, they need to put more metal into their system: a shot of whiskey with a smattering of metal flakes provides 1 spell die. It costs 100 silver and can only be acquired in cities.

Into the Mists
The allomancer can disengage without penalty on a successful DEX roll in low visibility situations (darkness, fog, heavy rain, heavy snow, etc.)

Emergency Shot 
The allomancer can create a charge on their own, using whatever metal and alcohol is on hand. This charge will burn out on a 3-6 (a different colored die is recommended). This takes one hour to prepare.

Burner Pellets
Experienced allomancers can use pellets of aluminum alloy to augment their magic.

A burner pellet will cause an allomancer to burn all of their stored charges at maximum [sum] on their next cast. No Doom is invoked. A burner pellet costs 500 silver, and may only be acquired from specialist sources.

Spell List:

Tin (Senses)
R: Self T: Self D: [sum] x 5 minutes
Gain +[dice] to all checks involving sight, smell, or hearing. You cannot be surprised while this is in effect.

Pewter (Body)
R: Self T: Self D: [sum] x 5 minutes
Gain +[dice] to all checks involving physical strength, max inventory, and damage.

Iron (Pull)
R: 5' x [sum] T: Metal object D: Instant
Pull a metal object towards you. If the object is heavier than you, you are pulled towards it.

Steel (Push)
R: 5' x [sum] T: Metal object D: Instant
Push a metal object away from you. If object is larger, you are pushed away. A coin thrown with this spell does [sum]+[dice] damage.

Copper (Hide)
R: 15' T: Area D: [sum] x 5 minutes
Creates a field centered on the caster. Those within cannot be detected by magical means, and gain + [dice] to saves against mental manipulation.

Bronze (Detect)
R: 100' T: Area D: [sum] x 5 minutes
When active, you detect any magic users within range.

Zinc (Riot)
R:100' T: Individual or crowd D: [sum] x 5 minutes
Enflames a specific emotion of the target's. Attempts to reason contrary to this emotion are made at -[dice].

Brass (Soothe)
R:100' T: Individual or crowd D: [sum] x 5 minutes
Dims a specific emotion of the target's. Attempts to reason with the target are made at +[dice].

Mishaps

1. Take 1d6 damage; it feels like a hole is being burned through your stomach.
2. Splitting headache robs you of the ability to focus for 1d6 minutes.
3. Whatever was being cast backfires upon you.
4. Your tongue becomes heavy and useless with a coating of verdegris. Cannot speak for 1d6 hours.
5. Spew out molten vomit. Lose turn, do 1d8 damage self and adjacent being.
6. Exhale a cloud of sooty smoke, obscuring your form and smelling awful.

Dooms

1. Signs of heavy metal poisoning take hold. All mental attributes reduced by 1.
2. Poisoning progresses. Mental attributes further reduced by 2, physical activities taken at -2 penalty.
3. Mental attributes reduced by a further 3 points. Physical activities taken at -3.

These dooms may be avoided by performing the Rite of Temperance in the Temple of the Smelter King, or by turning oneself over to the Inquisition for purification.

YOUR SPORTS TEAM IS VASTLY INFERIOR

Wizardball

The official rules of wizardball, as collected and tabulated by the Fantasy Wizardball Association, have been successfully used as an implement of murder. The version containing the appendix of variant rules has a spine so thick it cannot actually be opened without mechanical or magical aid. Multi-volume collections have been known to grow unruly enough to devour the reader.

Thankfully, the wizardball community ignores all of this and embraces the maddening chaos that is the magical world's greatest sport. There is no understanding the incomprehensible layers of in-jokes and strategies from the outside; there is only the knowing of the initiated.

Wizardball gets into your blood. The roar of the crowd, the pounding of the drums, the colors of the jerseys, the ozone tang of octarine mists and the smells of lemon ice and sausages inna bun. Wizardball is life itself.

For the uninitiated, there are four simple guidelines that give structure wizardball.

• The point of the game is to get the ball, by whatever means necessary, into the enemy's goal. Scores may go up until a time limit has been reached, or down until a team's pool of points has been exhausted.
• The two teams are arrayed as one would set up a chess board: 8 pawns, 2 rooks, 2 knights, 2 bishops, a king and a queen.
• Each position can be filled from a pool of variant classes. Each class is equipped with ta specific loadout of appropriate spells and equipment, and is beholden to a series of limitations.
• Cheating is permitted, so long as it does not extend past the boundaries of the pitch and the cheater can manage to either outwit or overpower the referee.

Beyond this, well, the rules are made up and the points don't matter. The Purist Variant Ruling dictates that wizardball only has one rule, being that a rule cannot be repeated twice, but this variant is not considered league-legal.

1d20 School Mascots

1. Ol' Rusty the rust monster
2. Manny the Maniac Manticore
3. The Green Gorgon
4. Bullette Biter
5. The Big Hungry Mimic
6. The Tin Men
7. Ozzie Ooze
8. The Deep Ones
9. Skeleton Dan
10. Mopey the Catelopas
11. Sidney Salamander
12. The Hellhound Named Spot
13. Bumf the Flumph
14. The Great Griffin
15. The Brawling Blemmeyes
16. The Tartary Lambs
17. Brother Wulfhelm, the Drunken Monk
18. Mabel the Mermaid
19. D. T., Princess of the Red Planet
20. Terry the Tarasque

1d20 Other Wizarding Sports 

Sport names courtesy of +Skerples

1. Rugger	Teams are scrambled on the quarter
2. Soccer	Can only be played while blackout drunk
3. Blagger	Asymmetrical field
4. Blugger	Traditionally played nude
5. Crumpet	Synchronized musical accompaniment
6. Cornet	Uses sticks and shields
7. Horseshoe	Average match lasts nine hours
8. Bannet	One team replaced by demons
9. Lurp Ball	Players cannot touch the ground
10. Flems-fight	The arena is flooded and filled with trout
11. Tennis	Players launched out of cannons
12. Ballmight	Must sacrifice losing team to the SUPERB OWL during playoffs.
13. Renfield	A live tiger released during second half
14. Nibblet	Indistinguishable from actual warfare
15. Zork	Played only in complete darkness
16. Mango	Played with 30 balls on the pitch
17. Gibbet	Goals move autonomously
18. Follow-the-Pony	One continuous game that has run for 187 years
19. Estivan Tony	Adaptable playing field
20. Flibbertygibbet	Oh gods, everything is on fire

1d20 Wizarding Colleges

David Wyatt

Wizards have degrees. This is the way of things. You can't be a proper wizard without a diploma. It's respectable. If you don't have a degree from a respectable school, why, you're no better than a witch!

The kicker is that there's no such thing as a respectable wizards' college.

1. Twin boarding schools for the children of the rich and powerful. Male and female campuses on opposite sides of the street. Anti-canoodling rules prove only vaguely enforceable in the face of the student body's vast creativity.
2. A flooded library buried deep undergound. Mushroom men maintain the records, though they are slow readers and often grow all over the books you need to get for class.
3. A shipwreck inside a whale's stomach, haunted by the ever-tormented souls of the sailors that now serve as the faculty.
4. Two aged sphinxes playing chess in a public park, discussing the mysteries of the universe. They will occasionally bring in someone from the circle of listeners to act as referee.
5. An ancient mountaintop tower, carved from a primordial stone spear pinning a demon lord to said mountain. Has an excellent football program.
6. A labyrinthine history department, severed from its parent school decades ago by a planar mishap. The inhabitants are descendants of the faculty and students, and have maintained the collegiate structure as a way of maintaining societal order.
7. A fortress in the middle of the desert built on top of a gigantic dungeon, which occasionally provides a student, rather than just eating them.
8. A haphazard cluster of bright-painted buildings on stilts in the center of a freshwater lake, sponsored by the Court of Lampreys. Tuition is free, but sometimes the administration needs a few favors. To help with the paperwork, you see.
9. A grungy inner-city community center, taught by a well-meaning but thoroughly overwhelmed and unprepared noblewoman.
10. A friendly traveling theater troupe with a curriculum of comedic-educational operettas. The tenor is remarkably good with the patter songs, though he does bear a striking resemblance to a wanted murderer.
11. An isolated complex devoted to the various thaumartial arts. The admissions department requires prospective students to impress the director with a show of athletic skill.
12. An opulent school practically a city unto itself. The dean is a dragon. The financial aid office is run by demons. The textbooks are sold by a vampire-owned publishing company. Many of the students are missing an arm or a leg. On the bright side, there's a diamond the size of a cow somewhere in the business office.
13. Greasy back room of a spicy fried cockatrice shop. Totally legitimate. Definitely, totally legitimate. Please ignore the misspellings and smell of narcotics.
14. You've had no learning besides the school of hard knocks (read: an old dwarf with a sturdy stick who took you on as apprentice.)
15. A crumbling gothic castle, filled with all manner of ghostly maidens in diaphanous states of undress, the tormented spirits of diabolic monks, and the occasional humanities professor with a sheet over their head.
16. Moon U, being the moon's first and currently only wizarding college. Started in a secretive bunker, has expanded into a full spaceport. It's an open secret that the New Gods are involved (all hail).
17. A tower of sapphire rising up over the moors. Classical, respected, traditional...and everyone there is a woman wearing a fake beard and socks down her trousers. They don't have to anymore, but it's traditional by this point.
18. An ordinary college town with a C-list school that is well-regarded in the region but one of the perpetually small fish of the academic world.
19. The place hasn't been dusted in five years, the syllabus hasn't been updated in fifty, and the youngest faculty member is 87. They still talk about the glory days.
20. Focuses entirely upon the study of a hypothetical parallel world where magic, and thus wizards, do not exist.

Class: Bard

Bruno Cesar

University wizards love going on about the music of the spheres. Endless papers written about the eternal harmony of celestial bodies, vibrations of the astral plane, the choir invisible, blah blah blah.

Needless to say, that's not really how it all works.

School: Bard

Perk: You can earn [reaction roll] silver pieces through busking per day while in town.

Drawback: You make a lot of noise and your hands are generally occupied with an instrument.

Cantrips

1: You may make a piercing whistle, and may choose to make it inaudible to humans.

2: You may infect someone with an ear-worm of up to 30 seconds in length, lasting for 1d8 hours and recurring 1d6 hours later on a failed save.

3: You may transmit basic messages and commands through your instrument.

Spell List:

Bardic uses a few unique mechanics:

• All spells have the same range, being that of hearing distance.
• Spell dice, while rolled and burnt as normal, do no directly empower spells: instead, each spell die invoked represents an active effect for the current song.
• Active effects cannot be doubled.
• Spells will cease to have effect when the caster is interrupted (damaged, pushed over, silenced, etc)

Song of Healing
Allies gain 1d6 HP.

Song of Resistance
Allies gain +1 to saves.

Song of Scaresome Might
Enemies take -1 to morale.

Song of Battle 
Allies gain +1 to hit.

Song of Inspiration
Enemies take -1 to hit.

Song of Courage
Allies gain resistance to fear.

Song of Spells
Enemies must pass save vs magic to cast a successful spell.

Song of Luck
Allies will make a successful critical strike on 19-20.

Song of the Fleetfoot
Allies may move an additional space on their turn.

Song of Discord
Enemies must save vs magic or be deafened.

Song of Softness
Enemies deal -1 damage

Song of Striking
Allies gain + 1 damage.

theCHAMBA

 

I Would Like a More Different, More Traditional Spell List:

Put your favorite playlist on shuffle and keep going until you get twelve song titles you like. Make those into spells. If you are lazy, supplement from the list below:

1. Synchronicity II
2. Blind Guardian
3. Till My Head Falls Off
4. Busted and Blue
5. Leave My Body
6. The Drugs
7. Bloody Stream
8. Garage Palace
9. Last Living Souls
10. If We Were Vampires
11. The Opened Way
12. The Invading Tyrant
13. Champagne Supernova
14. Reaper Man
15. 666 Kill Chop Deluxe
16. Dragons in the Mud
17. Snake Soul
18. First In Last Out
19. Hymn to Nikkal No. 6
20. Blood and Thunder
    

Instruments

1. Guitar
2. Banjo
3. Fiddle
4. Bouzouki 
5. Sitar
6. Drum
7. Hurdy-gurdy
8. Pan pipes
9. Bagpipes
10. Bamboo flute
11. Harmonica
12. Tin whistle
13. Ocarina
14. Lyre
15. Polyphonic chant
16. Accordion
17. Bells
18. Upright bass
19. Brass horn
20. Spoons

Mishaps

1. The song is lost, spend 1d6 turns getting it going again.
2. Song ends abruptly, all dice invoked burn out.
3. All allies deafened for 1d6 turns.
4. Current song is reduced to 1 random effect.
5. Take 1d6 damage.
6. Spell dice return only on 1-2 for 24 hours.

Dooms

1. The muse has left, your music is mundane and mediocre for 24 hours.
2. As above, for 3 days.
3. Your music has left you forever.

This doom can be avoided by putting on your blue suede shoes and touching down in the land of the delta blues, in the middle of the pouring rain. Alternatively, bet your soul against a devil's golden fiddle and win.

Class: Magelander

krzyma

Magic bursts forth from the earth here, raw and vibrant. The grass is greener, the sky is bluer, the air is fresher. There are no wizards here - why would you need to study magic if there is mana in every breath, every meal, every cell, heavy and sweet as honey? You are free - from academic rigor, from social obligation, from human bindings. Free as the magic in and above the earth. The fools packed behind the grey walls of Mund, what do they know? Nothing of life, for certain.

School: Magelander

Perk: Impressive hat or hood that obscures the face. Bright red / blue / gold robes that cannot be dirtied.

Drawback: Start with 1 mutation.

Cantrips:

1: You may conceal your mutations beneath your robes, and make dramatic reveals of them.

2: Can throw voice within 20' or speak with a polyphonic voice.

3: Colors within 5' may be changed or brightened at will.

Spell List:

There is no set spell list for magelanders. Instead, whenever you learn a new spell or spells, roll for  magic words from the list or lists of your choice and choose two words for each spell. Assemble them as you wish. 

Secret Shark
R: Touch T: Door or container D: [sum] rounds
When the target is opened, the spell summons an adult great white shark of 3+[dice] HD, that will thrash around and attempt to bite (1d8 damage) all nearby beings until it dies in [sum] rounds.

Confuse Corpse
R: 20' T: Undead creature of [dice] HD x2 or less D: 10 minutes
The target becomes immensely confused, as if aware for the first time of its state. This is characterized by the creature starring at its hands, staring out into space, staring up into the heavens, and silently mouthing simple phrases of existential questioning. It will pay no attention to any creatures during the duration of this spell.

Heart Light
R: Touch T: Recently removed heart  D: [sum] hours
The heart gives off light equivalent to a standard oil lamp. It will float steadily within 5' of the caster, and gives off a calm, appropriate beat. Additional effects can occur depending on [sum].

• If the heart is lit for more than 6 hours, it will begin to whisper secrets about the party. There is a 1/3 chance these are lies.
• If the heart is lit for more than 10 hours, random encounters will be triggered on 1-2.
• If the heart is lit for more than 14 hours, all corpses within its light have a 50% chance of re-animation
• If the heart is lit for more than 18 hours, it will gain one charge of fire spray (15' cone, 3d6 damage)

Animating Laugh
R: 30' T: Creatures in range D: 1 minute
Caster lets out a hearty laugh that imbues those that hear it with vigor and energy. [sum] points are split among those who listen to add to their rolls: points that go unused by the end of the time limit are not saved. 

Hold Tongue
R: 30' T: Creature D: [sum] turns
The target is muted. If 4 [dice] are invoked, the caster may pull the target's tongue out and do with it what they will before it is returned to the target's mouth.

Detect Storm
R: 20 miles T: Area D: 0
Caster is capable of determining any inclement weather developing within the scanning area. If 2 or more [dice] are invoked, the severity and length will be accurately determined.

Fear Deer
R: 40' line T: Area D: 0
Summons a spectral deer of nightmarish appearance. All beings who gaze upon it must make a save vs. fear at -[dice]. The blind, and those who know to cover their eyes, will not be affected. 

Steel Wall
R: 5' T: Ground D: 0
Creates a steel wall [dice]x2 ft in length and up to 10' in height. The wall has 30 HP and can be broken through with bludgeoning or fire damage.

Machine Gate
R: Touch T: Surface D: 5 minutes
Opens up a doorway into the Inner Sanctum of Click-Cog

Reveal Thought
R: 20' T: Creature D: 0
Reveals the thoughts of the target, which float in the air as glowing glyphs. [dice] number of thoughts can be transcribed, with a total of [sum] words split among all of them.

Tiger Cabal
R: N/A T: N/A D: 0
Summons three representatives of the Hidden Council of Stripes, sitting at table and partaking of their conference meal. The caster may ask favors of them, including but not limited to:

• Deal [sum]+[dice] damage, as magic missile
• [dice] pieces of pertinent information.
• Change the weather for [sum] hours.
  
• Providing [dice] x2 rations worth of raw meat.
• Revealing secret doors
  

Casting this spell requires the sacrifice of [sum] / 2 HP. It it is cast more than once per day, it will instead summon an angry tiger.

Morph Bones
R: Touch T: Bone D: 0
The caster may shape [dice] bones into any simple shape of equivalent mass.Weapons, armor, and tools can be crafted, given sufficient material.

Yonghui Jia

Mishaps

1. Take 1d6 damage, roll for a mutation.
2. Deafened for 1d6 turns, roll for a mutation
3. Blinded for 1d6 turns, roll for a mutation
4. Explodes, reforms in 1d6 hours, roll for a mutation
5. Transforms into whirlwind of fire for 1d6 turns, roll for a mutation.
6. Roll for two mutations
   

Dooms

1. You become dull and grey for a full day. Your spell dice are cut in half and you can only cast random orthodox spells.
2. You become dull and grey for three days. You are reduced to one spell die and may only cast random orthodox spells.
3. You are permanently bleak and lifeless. You are reduced to one spell die, and may only know a total of three orthodox spells, at random.
   

These dooms can be avoided by eating fruit of the Hidden Tree, or by casting oneself into the Maelstrom of the Lobster-God.

All the Lights in the Sky are Wizards

Fun and helpful fact: if you ever need a good name for a wizard, use the proper name of a real-world star. All that Arabic / Greek / Latin / occasional Chinese really comes in handy for something impressive and ancient sounding.

But since the Wikipdia article doesn't have numbers or fun wizard traits, I added those.

366 Wizards

 

Acamar	Actually an awakened fetus.
Achernar	Trepanned.
Achird	Only eats white rice.
Acrab	Oversees massive pornography library.
Acrux	A gigantic ferret, no one questions it.
Acubens	Sleeps on a bed of roses.
Adhafera	Coelacanth hat.
Adhara	Wears two hats.
Adhil	Wears three hats.
Ain	Wears nothing but hats.
Ainalrami	Basilisk-hide slippers.
Aladfar	Collects statues of muscular women.
Alamak	Has been sleepwalking for the last 40 years.
Alathfar	Aging heavy metal fan.
Albaldah	Beloved pet: giant salamander.
Albali	Skilled impressionist painter.
Albireo	Convincing dementia act.
Alchiba	Successfully became own grandpa.
Alcor	Lives inside giant geode.
Alcyone	Really good at crochet.
Aldebaran	Has NOTHING to do with that demon attack.
Alderamin	Owns alchemical micro-brewery.
Aldhanab	Competitive sturgeon-breeder.
Aldhibah	Far too into taxidermy for this skill level.
Aldulfin	Unhealthy obsession with watermelons.
Alfirk	Best damn barbecue in the world.
Algedi	Child of a miner and a whore; proud of it.
Algenib	Has kept silver spoon in mouth since birth.
Algieba	Freakishly punctual, expects others to be so.
Algol	Three-foot-long fingernails.
Algorab	Has wooden eyes.
Alhena	Enthusiastic jogger.
Alioth	Cobwebs in eyebrows.
Aljanah	Loves the ocean, cannot swim.
Alkaid	Never removes iron-shod gloves.
Al Kalb al Rai	Way too many bird feeders.
Alkalurops	Mysterious number tattooed on forehead.
Alkaphrah	Wears clothes three sizes too big.
Alkarab	Everything is yellow.
Alkes	Secretly a woman.
Al Kurud	Secretly a man.
Almaaz	Eats gunpowder for breakfast.
Almach	Excessive sunflower seed consumption.
Al Minliar al Asad	Loves the smell of industrial smog.
Alnair	Often found at curry stands late at night.
Alnasl	Hair just gets everywhere, it’s gross.
Alnilam	Seeking to destroy the Influence Machine.
Alnitak	Doesn’t actually have anything better to do.
Alniyat	Lost their wallet.
Alphard	Breeds square cows and rectangular sheep
Alphecca	Spies on all their friends’ business.
Alpheratz	Immense, hairy ears.
Alrakis	Has rather silly ideas about anthropology.
Alrescha	Can never find matching socks.
Alsafi	Impossibly intricate filing system.
Alsciaukat	Only has one joke in their book.
Alsephina	Obsessive collector of a collectible card game.
Alshain	Definitely not a body snatcher.
Alshat	Firm believer in snake oil.
Altair	Keeps trying to get spelling reform going.
Altais	Hawaiian shirts; every day, year round.
Altarf	Runs a troupe of dancing skeletons.
Alterf	False teeth made out of ivory dominos.
Aludra	Misspelled tattoo.
Alula Australis	Blue hair, no explanation.
Alula Borealis	Nitpicks plot holes in operas.
Alya	Perpetually mourning unknown party.
Alzirr	Rings made of moon rocks.
Ancha	Choir of mounted, singing fish.
Angetenar	Super-picky about aesthetics.
Ankaa	Always sucking on a corn cob.
Anser	Believes the government is run by lizardpeople.
Antares	Perennial cubist.
Arcturus	Bathes in yogurt.
Arkab Posterior	Cannot stand the color blue.
Arkab Prior	Lives on a creepy backwoods farm.
Arneb	Fossil enthusiast.
Ascella	Followed by an infestation of centipedes.
Asellus Australis	Lived in a cave for five years.
Asellus Borealis	Has no compunction about public shame.
Asellus Primus	All-organic magic only, no gluten.
Asellus Secundus	Turban the size of a large dog.
Asellus Thertius	Scholar of antiquities.
Asmidiske	Malapropic neologisms.
Aspidiske	Ran ghost tours a few years back.
Asterope	Has not slept in four years.
Athebyne	Paragon of prep.
Atik	God of goth.
Atlas	Becomes dizzy easily.
Atria	Lives in the vents.
Avior	Haunted by a giant cockroach.
Azelfafage	Makes narwhal cheese.
Azha	Writes elaborate historical fanfiction.
Barnard's Star	Has a witch’s nipple.
Baten Kaitos	Prematurely old.
Beemim	Insurance fraudster.
Beid	Doesn’t look very wizardly.
Bellatrix	Constantly popping mysterious pills.
Betelgeuse	Picks compulsively at cuticles.
Bharani	Snake cultist.
Biham	Secret cookie dough stash.
Botein	Bound feet.
Brachium	Artificially shaped skull
Canopus	Anti-undead apocalypse prepper
Capella	Ex-vizier to a dark lord.
Caph	Chain-smoker.
Castor	Dry, flaky skin.
Castula	Prominent incisors.
Cebalrai	Loads of piercings.
Celaeno	Smells like eggs.
Cervantes	Mushrooms for hair.
Chalawan	Chews betel leaf.
Chamukuy	Naked mole rat exhibit in living room.
Chara	Volunteer fireman.
Chertan	Cares about century-old football stats.
Copernicus	Absolute maniac of a drummer.
Cor Caroli	Terrifying yodel.
Cujam	Classical oboist.
Cursa	Has a stuffed alligator in study/
Dabih	Forked tongue.
Dalim	Tiger-stripe tattoos.
Deneb	Snail jouster.
Deneb Algedi	Former priest.
Denebola	Extremely cold hands.
Diadem	Saffron venture capitalist.
Diphda	Stigmata, origins unclear and obfuscated.
Dschubba	Moss-green fingers from reagent stains.
Dubhe	Role-plays a crazy old hermit in a swamp.
Dziban	Impossibly bad dating luck.
Edasich	Has gone through seven spouses.
Electra	Entirely too many belts and pockets.
Elnath	Permanently runny nose.
Eltanin	Has a prize-winning pet pug.
Enif	Puts mayonnaise on everything.
Errai	Writes letters home to mother constantly.
Fafnir	Never brushes teeth.
Fang	Has never had hair cut.
Fum al Samakah	Paints faces on rocks and keeps them as friends.
Fomalhaut	Persistent case of bouncy leg.
Fulu	Navigates via “port” and “starboard” on land.
Furud	Just went out for some cigarettes...
Fuyue	Proselytizes for Wizcoin.
Gacrux	Snorts when laughing.
Garnet Star	Creepy yellow teeth.
Giausar	Fractals on clothes, all brightly colored.
Gienah	Smells distressingly like roast turkey.
Ginan	Cheerful phrenologist.
Gomeisa	Loves clocks, can’t read them.
Graffias	Has never eaten a vegetable.
Grumium	Carries father’s organs in canopic jars.
Hadar	A cowboy.
Haedus	A pirate.
Hamal	Recently started a new diet.
Hassaleh	Plays a fiddle won from a crossroads stranger.
Hatysa	Aesthetically-pleasing facial scar.
Helvetios	Lives in a garbage dump.
Heze	Wears an owl mask.
Homam	Parkour enthusiast, but only for watching.
Iklil	Entirely too many pineapples.
Intercrus	Slick 3-D glasses, just because.
Izar	Cuff-links and crown made of bismuth
Jabbah	Keeps rifle above mantelpiece.
Jishui	Pink hair.
Kaffaljidhma	Constantly windswept hair.
Kang	Luxurious mustache.
Kaus Australis	Home-made ice-cream, all the time.
Kaus Borealis	Checkers fiend.
Kaus Media	Having paramour trouble.
Keid	Hirsute to the extreme.
Khambalia	Elephantiasis in the left leg.
Kitalpha	Pet tapeworm.
Kochab	Still wears a hat from the revolution.
Kornephoros	Was down the river, won’t tell what was seen.
Kraz	Still sleeps with security owlbear.
Kuma	Lives atop a termite mound.
Kurhah	Actually a tulpa.
La Superba	Afraid of the number 11.
Larawag	Actually a homunculus
Lesath	From the future (lie).
Libertas	From the future (truth).
Lich	Chocolatier.
Lilii Borea	Baby-faced.
Maasym	Lucha mask.
Mahasim	Eyepatch.
Maia	Teepee hat.
Marfark	Self-mummified.
Marfik	Beekeeper.
Markab	Heart on the wrong side.
Markeb	Extra finger on each hand.
Marsic	Tongue-louse.
Matar	Cigar-chomper.
Mebsuta	Pretending to be dead for tax reasons.
Megrez	Papaya tree growing out of hat.
Meissa	Demon-leather jacket.
Mekbuda	Amateur paleontologist.
Meleph	Lazy eye.
Menkalinan	Ratty clothes.
Menkar	Badger-stripe hair.
Menkent	Built like a brick shithouse.
Menkib	Terrible handwriting.
Merak	Leaves ink stains everywhere.
Merga	Trade guildsman.
Meridiana	Nose ring.
Merope	Shoes with bells on.
Mesarthim	Brags about killing a windmill.
Miaplacidus	Platypus mascot costume.
Mimosa	Smoked some dank shit in college.
Minchir	Macrophile.
Minelauva	Loves house geckos.
Mintaka	Catastrophic acne.
Mira	Scraggly-ass beard.
Mirach	Peacock-feather cape.
Miram	Throat-singer.
Mirfak	Available for birthday parties.
Mirzam	Part of a barbershop quartet.
Misam	Not actually a vampire.
Mizar	Carves runs in everything.
Mothallah	Compulsive hair plucker/
Muliphein	Trains a flea circus.
Muphrid	Dead parrot on shoulder.
Muscida	Heirloom sword, doesn’t know how to use.
Musica	Wears rings on every finger.
Naos	Dull and crooked halo.
Nashira	Underbite.
Navi	Birds nest in hair.
Nekkar	Incredibly spooky without trying.
Nembus	Braided beard, down to ankles.
Nihal	Used to be an undertaker.
Nunki	Wears a carpet over their shoulders.
Nusakan	Insists on proper fork placement.
Ogma	Occasionally vomits eggs.
Peacock	Ludicrous feathered boa.
Phact	Causes statues to start crying.
Phecda	Loves a good fry-up.
Pherkad	Wears plaids and stripes together.
Pipirima	Claims to be a god is disguise.
Pleione	Bushy ear hair.
Polaris	Has tinnitus.
Polaris Australis	Carries around a mystery box, never opened.
Polis	Carries around a jar of pickled eels.
Pollux	Had tower stolen by bears.
Porrima	Escaped from horrible abusive mother.
Praecipua	Misplaced the keys to their tower.
Prima Hyadum	Keeps hearing rats in the walls.
Procyon	Definitely not a spy from a rival nation, nope.
Propus	Luxurious lion-like mane.
Proxima Centauri	Recent, disastrous political run.
Ran	Unbeatable fighting spirit.
Rana	Good personal hygiene.
Rasalas	Synesthesia.
Rasalgethi	Heavy perspirator.
Rasalhague	Mountain climber.
Rastaban	Twitchy eye.
Regor	Overwhelming smell of pumpkin spice.
Regulus	Still has milk teeth.
Revati	Peg leg.
Rigel	Alien abductee.
Rigil Kentaurus	Does “crystal healing” for the gullible.
Rotanev	Acts like billionaire playboy, not even close.
Ruchbah	Extended earlobes.
Rukbat	Lengthened neck.
Sabik	Smells vaguely of salt.
Saclateni	Crocodile tears.
Sadachbia	Trained teeth-cleaner bird.
Sadalbari	Heterochromia, blue / brown.
Sadalmelik	Wears shorts in winter.
Sadalsuud	Loves rainy days.
Sadr	Wears pants on head.
Saiph	Working on a novel.
Salm	Reptilian being in a skinsuit.
Sargas	Oversized ears.
Sarin	Recent immigrant.
Sarir	Terrible miser.
Sceptrum	Has a long-term pen-pal.
Scheat	Bathysphere operator.
Schedar	Whale watcher.
Secunda Hyadum	Trade connections in Leng.
Segin	Growing a snail shell.
Seginus	Did 20 years in the oubliette.
Sham	Red eyes.
Shaula	Still uses slide rule.
Sheliak	Chimera aficionado, goes to all the cons.
Sheratan	Silk slippers with iron toes.
Sirius	Vegan.
Situla	Disconcerting taste for blood.
Skat	Owns and plays a pipe organ.
Spica	Has two shadows.
Sualocin	Writes restaurant review column.
Subra	Always has a flask of moonshine.
Suhail	Definitely saw bigfoot.
Sulafat	Taste for candied scorpion snacks.
Syrma	Theological reformer.
Tabit	Super-repressed puritan.
Taiyangshou	Looks exactly like a notable personage.
Taiyi	Park ranger.
Talitha	Aviator sunglasses, even at night.
Tania Australis	Kaleidoscope eyes.
Tania Borealis	Fresh pine scent.
Tarazed	New face paint every day.
Taygeta	Fancy top hat.
Tegmine	Embarrassing birthmark.
Tejat	Nose bitten off by giant rat.
Terebellum	Astronautic enthusiast.
Thabit	Unappreciated artist (and that’s a shame)
Theemin	Unappreciated artist (for good reason)
Thuban	Survival-situation cannibal.
Tiaki	Cheshire grin.
Tianguan	Former schoolteacher.
Tianyi	Walrus mustache.
Titawin	Prominent nosehair.
Tonatiuh	Hoards leftover food.
Torcular	Hermaphrodite.
Tureis	Consorts with unsavory folk.
Unukalhai	Pasta snob.
Unurgunite	Not the sharpest bulb in the crayon drawer.
Vega	Wrestled a crocodile once.
Veritate	Orange sherbet hair.
Vindemiatrix	Snaggleteeth.
Wasat	Villainous goatee.
Wazn	In real need of a nap.
Wezen	Caffeine addict.
Wurren	Can’t eat dairy.
Xamidimura	Escaped a cult.
Xuange	Does a mean Punch and Judy.
Yed Posterior	Hopeless bureaucrat.
Yed Prior	Hates crystals.
Yildun	Loves crystals.
Zaniah	Always has to knock on doors.
Zaurak	Coonskin hat.
Zavijava	Invisible hat.
Zhang	Inverse hat.
Zibal	Deals in counterfeit artifacts.
Zosma	Is not actually a medical doctor.
Zubenelgenubi	Played sportsball in college.
Zubenelhakrabi	Always keeps their right hand covered.
Zubeneschamali	Smells of petrichor.