All the Lights in the Sky are Wizards

Fun and helpful fact: if you ever need a good name for a wizard, use the proper name of a real-world star. All that Arabic / Greek / Latin / occasional Chinese really comes in handy for something impressive and ancient sounding.

But since the Wikipdia article doesn't have numbers or fun wizard traits, I added those.

366 Wizards

 

Acamar	Actually an awakened fetus.
Achernar	Trepanned.
Achird	Only eats white rice.
Acrab	Oversees massive pornography library.
Acrux	A gigantic ferret, no one questions it.
Acubens	Sleeps on a bed of roses.
Adhafera	Coelacanth hat.
Adhara	Wears two hats.
Adhil	Wears three hats.
Ain	Wears nothing but hats.
Ainalrami	Basilisk-hide slippers.
Aladfar	Collects statues of muscular women.
Alamak	Has been sleepwalking for the last 40 years.
Alathfar	Aging heavy metal fan.
Albaldah	Beloved pet: giant salamander.
Albali	Skilled impressionist painter.
Albireo	Convincing dementia act.
Alchiba	Successfully became own grandpa.
Alcor	Lives inside giant geode.
Alcyone	Really good at crochet.
Aldebaran	Has NOTHING to do with that demon attack.
Alderamin	Owns alchemical micro-brewery.
Aldhanab	Competitive sturgeon-breeder.
Aldhibah	Far too into taxidermy for this skill level.
Aldulfin	Unhealthy obsession with watermelons.
Alfirk	Best damn barbecue in the world.
Algedi	Child of a miner and a whore; proud of it.
Algenib	Has kept silver spoon in mouth since birth.
Algieba	Freakishly punctual, expects others to be so.
Algol	Three-foot-long fingernails.
Algorab	Has wooden eyes.
Alhena	Enthusiastic jogger.
Alioth	Cobwebs in eyebrows.
Aljanah	Loves the ocean, cannot swim.
Alkaid	Never removes iron-shod gloves.
Al Kalb al Rai	Way too many bird feeders.
Alkalurops	Mysterious number tattooed on forehead.
Alkaphrah	Wears clothes three sizes too big.
Alkarab	Everything is yellow.
Alkes	Secretly a woman.
Al Kurud	Secretly a man.
Almaaz	Eats gunpowder for breakfast.
Almach	Excessive sunflower seed consumption.
Al Minliar al Asad	Loves the smell of industrial smog.
Alnair	Often found at curry stands late at night.
Alnasl	Hair just gets everywhere, it’s gross.
Alnilam	Seeking to destroy the Influence Machine.
Alnitak	Doesn’t actually have anything better to do.
Alniyat	Lost their wallet.
Alphard	Breeds square cows and rectangular sheep
Alphecca	Spies on all their friends’ business.
Alpheratz	Immense, hairy ears.
Alrakis	Has rather silly ideas about anthropology.
Alrescha	Can never find matching socks.
Alsafi	Impossibly intricate filing system.
Alsciaukat	Only has one joke in their book.
Alsephina	Obsessive collector of a collectible card game.
Alshain	Definitely not a body snatcher.
Alshat	Firm believer in snake oil.
Altair	Keeps trying to get spelling reform going.
Altais	Hawaiian shirts; every day, year round.
Altarf	Runs a troupe of dancing skeletons.
Alterf	False teeth made out of ivory dominos.
Aludra	Misspelled tattoo.
Alula Australis	Blue hair, no explanation.
Alula Borealis	Nitpicks plot holes in operas.
Alya	Perpetually mourning unknown party.
Alzirr	Rings made of moon rocks.
Ancha	Choir of mounted, singing fish.
Angetenar	Super-picky about aesthetics.
Ankaa	Always sucking on a corn cob.
Anser	Believes the government is run by lizardpeople.
Antares	Perennial cubist.
Arcturus	Bathes in yogurt.
Arkab Posterior	Cannot stand the color blue.
Arkab Prior	Lives on a creepy backwoods farm.
Arneb	Fossil enthusiast.
Ascella	Followed by an infestation of centipedes.
Asellus Australis	Lived in a cave for five years.
Asellus Borealis	Has no compunction about public shame.
Asellus Primus	All-organic magic only, no gluten.
Asellus Secundus	Turban the size of a large dog.
Asellus Thertius	Scholar of antiquities.
Asmidiske	Malapropic neologisms.
Aspidiske	Ran ghost tours a few years back.
Asterope	Has not slept in four years.
Athebyne	Paragon of prep.
Atik	God of goth.
Atlas	Becomes dizzy easily.
Atria	Lives in the vents.
Avior	Haunted by a giant cockroach.
Azelfafage	Makes narwhal cheese.
Azha	Writes elaborate historical fanfiction.
Barnard's Star	Has a witch’s nipple.
Baten Kaitos	Prematurely old.
Beemim	Insurance fraudster.
Beid	Doesn’t look very wizardly.
Bellatrix	Constantly popping mysterious pills.
Betelgeuse	Picks compulsively at cuticles.
Bharani	Snake cultist.
Biham	Secret cookie dough stash.
Botein	Bound feet.
Brachium	Artificially shaped skull
Canopus	Anti-undead apocalypse prepper
Capella	Ex-vizier to a dark lord.
Caph	Chain-smoker.
Castor	Dry, flaky skin.
Castula	Prominent incisors.
Cebalrai	Loads of piercings.
Celaeno	Smells like eggs.
Cervantes	Mushrooms for hair.
Chalawan	Chews betel leaf.
Chamukuy	Naked mole rat exhibit in living room.
Chara	Volunteer fireman.
Chertan	Cares about century-old football stats.
Copernicus	Absolute maniac of a drummer.
Cor Caroli	Terrifying yodel.
Cujam	Classical oboist.
Cursa	Has a stuffed alligator in study/
Dabih	Forked tongue.
Dalim	Tiger-stripe tattoos.
Deneb	Snail jouster.
Deneb Algedi	Former priest.
Denebola	Extremely cold hands.
Diadem	Saffron venture capitalist.
Diphda	Stigmata, origins unclear and obfuscated.
Dschubba	Moss-green fingers from reagent stains.
Dubhe	Role-plays a crazy old hermit in a swamp.
Dziban	Impossibly bad dating luck.
Edasich	Has gone through seven spouses.
Electra	Entirely too many belts and pockets.
Elnath	Permanently runny nose.
Eltanin	Has a prize-winning pet pug.
Enif	Puts mayonnaise on everything.
Errai	Writes letters home to mother constantly.
Fafnir	Never brushes teeth.
Fang	Has never had hair cut.
Fum al Samakah	Paints faces on rocks and keeps them as friends.
Fomalhaut	Persistent case of bouncy leg.
Fulu	Navigates via “port” and “starboard” on land.
Furud	Just went out for some cigarettes...
Fuyue	Proselytizes for Wizcoin.
Gacrux	Snorts when laughing.
Garnet Star	Creepy yellow teeth.
Giausar	Fractals on clothes, all brightly colored.
Gienah	Smells distressingly like roast turkey.
Ginan	Cheerful phrenologist.
Gomeisa	Loves clocks, can’t read them.
Graffias	Has never eaten a vegetable.
Grumium	Carries father’s organs in canopic jars.
Hadar	A cowboy.
Haedus	A pirate.
Hamal	Recently started a new diet.
Hassaleh	Plays a fiddle won from a crossroads stranger.
Hatysa	Aesthetically-pleasing facial scar.
Helvetios	Lives in a garbage dump.
Heze	Wears an owl mask.
Homam	Parkour enthusiast, but only for watching.
Iklil	Entirely too many pineapples.
Intercrus	Slick 3-D glasses, just because.
Izar	Cuff-links and crown made of bismuth
Jabbah	Keeps rifle above mantelpiece.
Jishui	Pink hair.
Kaffaljidhma	Constantly windswept hair.
Kang	Luxurious mustache.
Kaus Australis	Home-made ice-cream, all the time.
Kaus Borealis	Checkers fiend.
Kaus Media	Having paramour trouble.
Keid	Hirsute to the extreme.
Khambalia	Elephantiasis in the left leg.
Kitalpha	Pet tapeworm.
Kochab	Still wears a hat from the revolution.
Kornephoros	Was down the river, won’t tell what was seen.
Kraz	Still sleeps with security owlbear.
Kuma	Lives atop a termite mound.
Kurhah	Actually a tulpa.
La Superba	Afraid of the number 11.
Larawag	Actually a homunculus
Lesath	From the future (lie).
Libertas	From the future (truth).
Lich	Chocolatier.
Lilii Borea	Baby-faced.
Maasym	Lucha mask.
Mahasim	Eyepatch.
Maia	Teepee hat.
Marfark	Self-mummified.
Marfik	Beekeeper.
Markab	Heart on the wrong side.
Markeb	Extra finger on each hand.
Marsic	Tongue-louse.
Matar	Cigar-chomper.
Mebsuta	Pretending to be dead for tax reasons.
Megrez	Papaya tree growing out of hat.
Meissa	Demon-leather jacket.
Mekbuda	Amateur paleontologist.
Meleph	Lazy eye.
Menkalinan	Ratty clothes.
Menkar	Badger-stripe hair.
Menkent	Built like a brick shithouse.
Menkib	Terrible handwriting.
Merak	Leaves ink stains everywhere.
Merga	Trade guildsman.
Meridiana	Nose ring.
Merope	Shoes with bells on.
Mesarthim	Brags about killing a windmill.
Miaplacidus	Platypus mascot costume.
Mimosa	Smoked some dank shit in college.
Minchir	Macrophile.
Minelauva	Loves house geckos.
Mintaka	Catastrophic acne.
Mira	Scraggly-ass beard.
Mirach	Peacock-feather cape.
Miram	Throat-singer.
Mirfak	Available for birthday parties.
Mirzam	Part of a barbershop quartet.
Misam	Not actually a vampire.
Mizar	Carves runs in everything.
Mothallah	Compulsive hair plucker/
Muliphein	Trains a flea circus.
Muphrid	Dead parrot on shoulder.
Muscida	Heirloom sword, doesn’t know how to use.
Musica	Wears rings on every finger.
Naos	Dull and crooked halo.
Nashira	Underbite.
Navi	Birds nest in hair.
Nekkar	Incredibly spooky without trying.
Nembus	Braided beard, down to ankles.
Nihal	Used to be an undertaker.
Nunki	Wears a carpet over their shoulders.
Nusakan	Insists on proper fork placement.
Ogma	Occasionally vomits eggs.
Peacock	Ludicrous feathered boa.
Phact	Causes statues to start crying.
Phecda	Loves a good fry-up.
Pherkad	Wears plaids and stripes together.
Pipirima	Claims to be a god is disguise.
Pleione	Bushy ear hair.
Polaris	Has tinnitus.
Polaris Australis	Carries around a mystery box, never opened.
Polis	Carries around a jar of pickled eels.
Pollux	Had tower stolen by bears.
Porrima	Escaped from horrible abusive mother.
Praecipua	Misplaced the keys to their tower.
Prima Hyadum	Keeps hearing rats in the walls.
Procyon	Definitely not a spy from a rival nation, nope.
Propus	Luxurious lion-like mane.
Proxima Centauri	Recent, disastrous political run.
Ran	Unbeatable fighting spirit.
Rana	Good personal hygiene.
Rasalas	Synesthesia.
Rasalgethi	Heavy perspirator.
Rasalhague	Mountain climber.
Rastaban	Twitchy eye.
Regor	Overwhelming smell of pumpkin spice.
Regulus	Still has milk teeth.
Revati	Peg leg.
Rigel	Alien abductee.
Rigil Kentaurus	Does “crystal healing” for the gullible.
Rotanev	Acts like billionaire playboy, not even close.
Ruchbah	Extended earlobes.
Rukbat	Lengthened neck.
Sabik	Smells vaguely of salt.
Saclateni	Crocodile tears.
Sadachbia	Trained teeth-cleaner bird.
Sadalbari	Heterochromia, blue / brown.
Sadalmelik	Wears shorts in winter.
Sadalsuud	Loves rainy days.
Sadr	Wears pants on head.
Saiph	Working on a novel.
Salm	Reptilian being in a skinsuit.
Sargas	Oversized ears.
Sarin	Recent immigrant.
Sarir	Terrible miser.
Sceptrum	Has a long-term pen-pal.
Scheat	Bathysphere operator.
Schedar	Whale watcher.
Secunda Hyadum	Trade connections in Leng.
Segin	Growing a snail shell.
Seginus	Did 20 years in the oubliette.
Sham	Red eyes.
Shaula	Still uses slide rule.
Sheliak	Chimera aficionado, goes to all the cons.
Sheratan	Silk slippers with iron toes.
Sirius	Vegan.
Situla	Disconcerting taste for blood.
Skat	Owns and plays a pipe organ.
Spica	Has two shadows.
Sualocin	Writes restaurant review column.
Subra	Always has a flask of moonshine.
Suhail	Definitely saw bigfoot.
Sulafat	Taste for candied scorpion snacks.
Syrma	Theological reformer.
Tabit	Super-repressed puritan.
Taiyangshou	Looks exactly like a notable personage.
Taiyi	Park ranger.
Talitha	Aviator sunglasses, even at night.
Tania Australis	Kaleidoscope eyes.
Tania Borealis	Fresh pine scent.
Tarazed	New face paint every day.
Taygeta	Fancy top hat.
Tegmine	Embarrassing birthmark.
Tejat	Nose bitten off by giant rat.
Terebellum	Astronautic enthusiast.
Thabit	Unappreciated artist (and that’s a shame)
Theemin	Unappreciated artist (for good reason)
Thuban	Survival-situation cannibal.
Tiaki	Cheshire grin.
Tianguan	Former schoolteacher.
Tianyi	Walrus mustache.
Titawin	Prominent nosehair.
Tonatiuh	Hoards leftover food.
Torcular	Hermaphrodite.
Tureis	Consorts with unsavory folk.
Unukalhai	Pasta snob.
Unurgunite	Not the sharpest bulb in the crayon drawer.
Vega	Wrestled a crocodile once.
Veritate	Orange sherbet hair.
Vindemiatrix	Snaggleteeth.
Wasat	Villainous goatee.
Wazn	In real need of a nap.
Wezen	Caffeine addict.
Wurren	Can’t eat dairy.
Xamidimura	Escaped a cult.
Xuange	Does a mean Punch and Judy.
Yed Posterior	Hopeless bureaucrat.
Yed Prior	Hates crystals.
Yildun	Loves crystals.
Zaniah	Always has to knock on doors.
Zaurak	Coonskin hat.
Zavijava	Invisible hat.
Zhang	Inverse hat.
Zibal	Deals in counterfeit artifacts.
Zosma	Is not actually a medical doctor.
Zubenelgenubi	Played sportsball in college.
Zubenelhakrabi	Always keeps their right hand covered.
Zubeneschamali	Smells of petrichor.

Class: Thaumonaut

Delta V equals effective exhaust velocity times the natural logarithm of the initial total mass including propellant divided by the initial total mass without propellant.

This is the rocket equation of Tsiolkovsky. It dictates entry and egress between the world and the spaces beyond. Its rule is law, save one exception.

That exception is the law of magic, and it reads as follows:

"Fuck you, I'm a wizard."

(These guys are very much a variant of Arnold K's orthodox wizards, (and Skerples' take on the same so a lot of the spells will be barely modified or copied wholesale from one of those guys.)

Dustin Harbin

School: Thaumonaut

Perk: You have a space suit. It counts as leather armor and can hold an atmosphere until it takes damage.

Drawback: Your time in space has left you physically weakened. -4 to saves vs physical effects.


Cantrips:

1: You can determine the time, date, and your location by viewing the heavenly bodies.

2: You can create a small burst of air in order to orient and propel yourself in 0-G environments.

3: You are a pseudo-universal translator, and can understand the general intent of any sapient being's language.

Spell List:

Hamal's Holographic Image
R: 100'  T: Point  D: 10 seconds x [dice]
The caster creates a holographic doppelganger of themselves at the desired location. It may take a single pre-programmed action, but cannot make sound. Every additional [dice] invoked allows another action to be programmed into the hologram.

Aldebaran's Feather Fall
R: 10'  T: Object or creature  D: 0
The target drifts gently to the ground, taking no damage. In 0-gravity environments, the caster may determine which direction is down.

Pollux's Frozen Sleep
R: 50  T: Creature  D: 10 minutes
Target falls into cryogenic hibernation, and can't be awoken without spend a standard action. They are uncomfortably cold to the touch. Non-alert, unaware targets are not allowed a save. Well-insulated targets make their save with advantage. Can affect creatures up to [sum] HD. If [sum] is at least 4 times the creature's HD, the duration becomes permanent (until slapped) and the creature no longer needs to eat or drink while sleeping.

Al Tarf's Magic Missile
R: 200'  T: Creature  D: 0
Deals [sum] + [dice] damage, no save.  As appropriate to the school, this spell produces a black bolt speckled with starlight pinpricks in all colors of the main sequence.

Regulus' Face of the Stranger
R: Touch  T: Person  D:[sum] hours
Transforms the target's face to resemble that of a stranger from the stars: small mouth, flat nose, grey skin, massive black eyes, and no hair. The target's voice will become soft and nasal. If the spell is used on multiple targets, all will look and sound identical. If 4 [dice] are invested, this will become permanent. 

Spica's Light
R: Touch T: Object or creature D: [dice] x 2 hours
Object illuminates as a torch, with a radius of 20’+[dice]x10’. Alternatively, you can make an Attack roll against a sighted creature. If you succeed, the creature is blinded for [sum] rounds. If [sum] is greater than 12, the creature is permanently blinded. If you invest 4 [dice] or more this light has all the qualities of natural sunlight. You may select the color of the light.

M: Dim red
K: Cool orange
G: Bright yellow
F: Pale yellow-white
A: Sterile white
B: Luminous blue
O: Burning blue (acts as blacklight)

Zubeneschamali's Blue Marbles
R: Touch  T: n/a  D: 0
Creates [sum] blue marbles. When crushed, a marble will create 1 gallon of salt water filled with alien plant and animal life. When frozen, it may be used as a slingstone that deals freezing damage. When boiled, it will balloon to 1 foot in diameter and become light and bouncy. When planted in soil, it will bloom into a large, brightly-colored alien flower. When eaten, it will grant advantage against mental influence for [dice] hours.

Antares' Field of Force
R: 10' T: plane or sphere D: concentration
Creates a shimmering force field, 10‘x10’, centered up to 10' away. Alternatively, create a sphere centered on the caster 5' in diameter (large enough for the caster and +1 person). The force field has [sum] HP. All attacks against it hit.

Kaus Australis' Cerebral Satellite
R: Self  T: Self  D: [sum] hours
Creates a small metallic device that will orbit the caster's head. It is capable of making audio and visual recordings and playing them back to the user. It gives off a steady blinking light and soft beeping noise.

Deneb Algedi's Dyson Sphere
R: 10'  T: Light source  D: [sum] x 2 minutes OR [dice] x 2 hours
The target is shrouded by a dark cloud of particulate, giving off no light. Upon the spell's ending, the light will shine as normal, with no loss of burn time (ex: A torch with half an hour remaining will still provide a half hour of light after the spell is completed)

Sadalsuud's Supernova
R: 200'  T: 20' diameter  D: 0
Does [sum] damage to all objects and creatures within range. Additional traits are dependent upon the stellar classification of the attack.

M: Extinguishes all other light sources present.
K: Leaves personal possessions of the target(s) intact.
G: Plants within 100' of blast radius grow exponentially.
F: Superheats all metal within 100' of blast radius.
A: All within 100' must save vs being knocked prone by shockwave.
B: All within viewing distance must make save or be blind for 1d8 turns.
O: All within viewing distance must save vs. mutation.

Terraforming of Eta Piscum 
R: 10' hour  T: Surrounding environment  D: Concentration
The caster can replace the local environment with an alien one. If 3 or more [dice] are invested, the area will be safe from cross-contamination (otherwise, a cumulative 5% chance per day of catastrophic ecological failure). For quick examples, roll on this table.

Mobius-9

Mishaps

1. Gain crippling fear of open spaces for 1d6 minutes.
2. Gaze upon an empty void for 1d6 turns.
3. Take 1d6 damage from a micrometeorite impact.
4. Deafened by interstellar radio waves for 1d6 turns.
5. Temporally misplaced, will re-appear at a random location within 100' in 2d6 turns.
6. All speech replaced with incomprehensible alien sounds for 1d6 hours.
   

Dooms

1. You are struck with an episode of space madness for 24 hours. This will entail crushing feelings of isolation, being watched by vast and terrible powers, and infinitesimal smallness.
2. The space madness now lasts three days.
3. You have gazed upon the Shape of Creation. The space madness is now permanent.
   

These dooms can be avoided by living underground for the rest of your natural life, or by reaching the center of the galaxy.

A Note on Actually Getting Into Space

You can buy or build a spaceship through normal means. Methods of interplanetary teleportation and the creation of star drives are incredibly powerful, carefully-guarded rituals, and so ought to be treated as rewards.

For purposes of use, rituals will always do the same thing. Every die invested past the first will cut down on casting time. Invested dice will not be returned until the spell is completed.

Those spells include, but are not limited to:

Aasimov's Orbital Insertion
(10 hours, -[dice]*2 hours)
Everything within the magic circle (max 150') will be transported into geostationary orbit. The process takes 6 seconds. 

LeGuin's Amazing Ansible
(1 hour, -[dice]*10 minutes)
Permits accurate communication between parties in different solar systems. Caster will always be able to make contact if they know the identity of the contactee.

Clarke's Awakened Engine
(30 days, - [dice]*4 days)
Creates a functioning spaceship drive. Requires 5000 sp worth of components.

Elon's  Madcap Scheme
(3 days, -[dice]*6 hours)
Everything within the magical circle (max 20') will be transported to another planet in-system, at a speed of 1 AU/hr.

Play Report: "Oh my God, it's Grand Admiral Thrawn!"

At long last, I was able to gather my band of merry mercenaries again to run a one-shot of WEG Star Wars. Fantasy Flight games might have delayed my book three times now, but with REUP and +Jez Gordon 's rules essentials printout, we did just fine. Possibly better (those rules essentials are top-notch)

The group consisted of:

• Tekashi Kovax, twi'lek investigator
• Maia, togruta navigator
• Utini, jawa tinker
• Ka Vosent, zabrak pilot
• Dierak Higara, mandalorian mercenary
• Thogar Balor, mandalorian commando
• E-L0N MSK, assassin droid
• Kupu'rust'ponto, chiss doctor

An easy enough opening: the party are independent contractors hired by the Republic to either extricate or kill an Imperial warlord by the name of Admiral Russof Enterax, who has fled to the distant world of Yoon-Suin and taken up residence in the palace of the hutt lord Bago Oorunda of the Yellow City.

The party were to meet a contact in a city cantina and get further information, but they had barely gotten introductions out of the way when his head exploded.  stray shot from a blaster bolt, and the entire cantina erupts into chaos as the riot that had exploded outside decides to move inside.

Thogar flips the table to provide cover, knocking their contact's still-wrapped package into the middle of the room. Maia dives out to grab it, with E-L0N MSK providing covering fire. Imperial riot troopers start filing into the cantina, shooting at brawlers. The mandos and droid continue to cover as the rest of the party dashes past the counter and out through the kitchen. KRP grabs a tin of tea leaves from the kitchen on the way out.

The back alley looks to have already been deserted, and the party decides to head up to the roof of the tenements on the other side, to get a better view of the city.

The package is unwrapped to find that it contains an incredibly rare, incredibly illegal single-use skeleton key capable of burning through any electric lock. The group splits in two - one party (Tekashi, Maia, Utini, and E-L0N) make their way over rooftops to the Spire of Ten, a library. The mandos, pilot, and doctor make their way towards the spaceport, which was giving off an ominous plume of smoke. They are swiftly derailed by a probe droid and drop to the streets: it is handily offed, its parts scavenged, and they decide to go by sewer instead, navigating through Spacemaps Streetview.

There is, of course, a dianoga, but they manage to get past with only slight harassment and terror.

The other group find the library locked down due to the riots, and proceed to break in through a large stained glass window. This terrifies an under-librarian utterly shitless, and the poor lad's only response is to insist that they sign up for a library card. Some useful information is found by scanning through local news: the admiral shows up with Bago in public appearances all the time, but the local Imperial outpost seems to be run by his underling, a Lt. Staavirus, whom Bago holds in great disdain.

Spaceport group  manage to get to their location, to find out that the riots had spread to the commercial spaceport and at least one ship had its drive detonated. The others are either on fire or damaged. Firefighters are desperately trying to put out the fires, and one mentions that any incoming ships have been diverted to the next city down the coast.

A short commlink call gets everyone up to date, and the two parties meet up. They decide to attempt the Imperial fort to eliminate Staavirus first (and possibly steal a vessel), and easily manage to break into and hotwire a delivery truck landspeeder ("Happy Weequay Meats", for those asking.) and drive right up to the front gate of the fort.

It is here that Kupu'rust'ponto informs the guard that he is, in fact, Grand Admiral Thrawn (accompanied by Maia, his secretary - she was providing the assist bonus) here to see Enterax and deliver rebel agents picked up during the riots.

He utterly destroys the roll (cue Thogar's player delivering a "oh my God, it's Grand Admiral Thrawn!" in falsetto) due to both numerical superiority and ingrained Imperial racism ("Thrawn is Chiss, ergo all Chiss are like Thrawn"), the fact that this far out no one in the Remnant has actually met Thrawn and most still think he is still alive at this point.

With the Thrawn ex machina working splendidly, the party meets with Staavirus and demands an APC, a shuttle, and replacement uniforms. At this point (partially my own doing, for I front-loaded most of the prep for the session), it is a smooth sailing to the hutt's palace, having the guards haul out Enterax from the harem, and flying off back to Republic space with their hostage.

Notes:  The ending was a bit limp, but given that everyone had fun I shall forgive myself for it. That always has been my weakest spot when running my own stuff, and eventually I'll patch that hole. We may return to this plucky band in the future, but not before returning to the Distant Lands of DIY with Hot Springs Island in the next session.

Class: Witch

Katie Shanahan

People make their entrance on the world's stage screaming bloody murder and covered in fluids. It's a terrifying experience for all and sundry, which is why most folks are just fine with only being born once.

The important part is what comes right after. The first person you will meet, even before you're set to sucking at your mother's teat, is a witch. She might be a hundred and three years old and blind, deaf, and toothless, or she might be fourteen and pimple-faced with boots two sizes too big, but she'll be there.

Witches live on the outside and look in. They live in places between, with boots caked in muck and brains full of things other people can't or won't see. They intercede, between man and his neighbors, between man and the Folk, between man and the gods. They are a vital, central part of the community, but they are not part of it fully.

You don't go to a witch for comfort. Mother will ease your pain and tell you that everything will be all right, but a witch has no such obligation. They deal in truth, and truth is useful and painful in equal measure. It is something to both live and die for, and in the case of witch-hunters, something to kill people over.

Contrary to what wizards and noblewomen who like to call themselves witches might say, witches do not have anything to do with dancing around in the moonlight with no clothes on (at least, not sober witches).

School: Witch

Perk: You get +2 to reaction rolls when interacting with the rural poor and working class, and people with a bit of sense.

Drawback:  You get -2 to reaction rolls when interacting with wizards, politicians, academics religious leaders, fundamentalists of all stripes, and people with not nearly enough sense. You get no reaction bonus, not even from Charisma, when dealing with other witches.

Cantrips:

1: You can spend five minutes to create a shamble, which allows you to detect if magic has been worked nearby. It will only tell you yes / no and relative strength.

2: You always have a piece of string, a stub of chalk, a smooth pebble and a coin in your pocket.

3: You can silently summon your familiar. This may take a few minutes if they are far away.

A note on familiars: familiars are ordinary animals that can be sent out to do ordinary animal things. they cannot speak and you are not mind linked, but they are smarter than usual and will tell you what they might see or do in their own way.

Xavier Colette

Spell List:

Woman's Work
R: N/A T: N/A D: N/A
With the proper equipment (material components, a cooking pot, water), you can make [sum] doses of contraceptive, proconceptive, or contramenstrual. These are universally-accepted trade goods, and can be redeemed for favors, mundane items, and information. This spell can also be invoked for the safe delivery of an infant.

Mending
R: Touch T: Object D: 0
An object made of stone, clay, metal, wood, or fiber can be repaired, restoring it to the state before it was damaged. The size of the object that can be mended is dependent on the [dice] invested.

• 1D: Can be held in the hand.
• 2D: Can be held in both hands.
• 3D: Waist height.
• 4D: As big as a person.

 Using this spell a second time on the same object carries a 1-in-6 chance of breaking the object completely, increasing by 1 each time it is mended. Complex items (clockwork, etc) begin with a 3-in-6 chance of breaking upon casting.

Produce Flame
R: 40' (when thrown) T: self D: as below
Creates a flame of [sum] damage. The size of the fire is determined by the dice invested:

• 1D: candle (STR 10, lasts for one hour)
• 2D: torch (STR 30, lasts for fifteen minutes)
• 3D: fire (STR 40, two hands, lasts for five minutes)
• 4D: inferno (STR 70, two hands, takes full turn to cast, movement speed halved, cannot be thrown, lasts for one minute)

Liberally inspired by Mateo's pyromancer.

Identify
R: 20' T: Object or creature D: 0
Effect depends on the [dice] invested.

• 1D: Caster reveals the common name and mundane properties. If the target has been changed by magic, and the potency of the enchantment. Mundane properties and names are revealed (ex: "this is phosphorus, it can burn underwater."
• 2D: Caster can determine the above, as well as what kind of magic was used. Advanced mundane properties are revealed 
• 3D: Caster can determine the above, when it was enchanted, and the effect of the enchantment. 
• 4D: Caster can determine the above, as well as who created the enchantment.
• 4D + physical piece of target: As above. Learn the true name of the target or of the original caster. 

Locate 
R: 100' + [sum] x 5 T: Object or creature D: Concentration

The caster can determine the specific location of the target for as long as they can maintain their concentration.

• 1D: general noun (ex: dog)
• 2D: specific noun (ex: my dog, Old Yeller)
• 3D: vague or immaterial (ex: love, help)
• 4D: paradoxical or impossible (ex: solidified time, a devil's conscience)

If you have a piece of what you are trying to locate, you will be able to know its exact location at the time of casting, no matter what the range is

Hidden Language
R: Touch  T: Surface  D: 10 hours
The caster may inscribe a message in a language that has been forgotten by grown-ups. It may be read only by the very young, the incredibly old, the simple-minded, and other witches. If 2 [dice] are used, the writing will be permanent.

Piercing Look
R: Eyesight  T: Creature(s) whose attention you have D: 0
Target must make an immediate morale check at -4. Gods help them if it is accompanied by the Crossing of the Arms and the Tapping of the Foot.

Spare the Dying
R: Touch T: Creature D: [dice] hours
The target, upon hitting death's door, can cling to life for [dice] hours, so long as they are not injured again. The caster must save against poison each hour or take 1d6 damage from shouldering the target's pain.

Magic Circle
R: As drawn T: Spirit D: Until broken
A circle is marked out on the ground which may hold and bind a spirit of [dice] HD or less. Using this will negate any reaction bonus you might have with the Folk and impose a further -1 penalty.

Gain +1 [dice] if the circle is made with salt, iron flakes, or other substances anathema to the spirit.
Gain +2 [dice] if the circle is inscribed with the target's true name.

Call Upon the Folk
R: 100'  T: Folk  D: 0
The local Folk appear to you, and you gain + [dice] to your reaction roll when conversing with them. No bonus is granted when dealing with malicious spirits. Summoning a specific being requires one of the following:

• The location is strongly associated with a particular entity 
• [sum] > 15 and knowledge of the entity
• The Folk's true name is known

Augury
R: Touch T: Creature D: 0
In reading the entrails of sacrificed animals, you look for an omen of what is to come. You have a [dice] x 10% chance of successfully foreseeing a future event or gaining a piece of knowledge (ex: "there is a settlement in the next cave"), plus 1 [dice] per hit die of sacrificed creature or hour spent cloud-watching. Even if successful, omens will often have multiple potential meanings.

Speak with Dead
R: touch T: corpse or other remains D: 10 minutes
You can communicate with ghosts and lingering spirits. The quality of spirit is determined by both its age and the [dice] invested in the spell.

• 1D: the ghost is silent, and mimes out a repeating loop of a single moment
• 2D: the ghost speaks a little and is no longer locked in action, but remains linked to its event
• 3D: the ghost knows who it was in life, and can move about its home freely as a normal spirit
• 4D: the ghost is at its most autonomous, bearing jumbled but significant memories of life

Ghosts are imprints of an individual, and so do not possess all of that person's knowledge, nor are they able to provide incredibly specific information unless it was incredibly important to the target.

Third Eye
R: Eyesight T: Self D: 10 minutes
The witch is able to see things as they are, not as how they are believed to be. With her third eye open, the witch is able to see things as they are, not as how they are believed to be. She may see through illusions, identify secret doors, see spirits that have hidden themselves, and detect lies.

Mishaps

1. Take 1d6 damage.
2. Grass dies, flowers wilt, milk spoils in a 50' radius.
3. Vomit cobwebs, hair, and tomato juice for 1d6 rounds.
4. Familiar vanishes for 1d6 hours.
5. Bleed from forehead for 1d10 hours, freaks everyone out.
6. Transformed into a cat for 1d6 hours. You can still cast spells.
   

Dooms 

1. A bleak mood lingers on you like grease on fingers. Your reaction malus is doubled for 24 hours.
2. A witchhunter demon has been drawn to your scent. It cannot harm you directly, but it will follow you for three days, dealing mental strain damage through its attacks. If damage > WIS, the witch must save vs fear - on success, fight/flight/freeze. On fail,you will be rendered too strained to make any normal action at all until the days have transpired.
3. You've gone too far on the outside, cut your ties to people, lost the things that keep you grounded. You've gone bad, a hag of the worst kind.

This doom can be avoided by pulling the millstone-in-the-pond trick in Clearsight Lake, or by delivering an accurate omen to a king and watching the fallout to the end.

Class: Adipomancer

Are you ready, kids? Aye aye, Auntie Maya! I can't heaaaar you! AYE AYE, AUNTIE MAYA!

School: Adipomancer

Perk: You gain +2 AC for every unburnt spell die past the first. Your unarmed attacks do 1d6 damage.

Drawback: Each unburnt spell die counts as an encumbrance point and takes up an inventory slot. You can only regain burnt spell die through consuming an additional ration's worth of food.

Cantrips:

1:You may spend a ration to gain advantage on a reaction roll.

2: You may enter Mountain Stance. You cannot move while in this stance, but gain +4 to saves vs being knocked over and your unarmed attacks do 1d8 damage.

3: You can burn any number of spell dice at will, to no additional effect.

Spell List:

Belly Drum
R: Touch  T: Self  D: 0
Cuts current HP in half, provides that many points in additional damage that may be split among subsequent attacks.

Aura of Warmth
R: Touch  T: Self  D: [sum] hours
The caster is immune to cold environmental conditions and takes half damage from freezing attacks for [sum] hours.

Cannonball Dash
R:50'  T: Self  D: 0
The caster barrels ahead at great speed, doing [dice] + [sum] damage to all targets in their path. Targets may make a save vs being knocked down.

Fist of Burning Spice
R: Touch  T: Self  D: [sum] attacks
The next [sum] attacks will ignite flammable material on contact.

Metabolic Overdrive
R: Touch  T: Self  D: 0
Recover [sum] HP.

Gravity Pull
R: [sum] x 5 feet  T: Object or creature D: 0
The target is pulled in a straight line towards the caster. By choosing to burn a die (an additional die if one was already burnt), the caster may make an attack after casting.

Black Well
R: Touch T:Point D: [sum] hours
The caster creates a stationary black sphere that can store [dice] pounds of material (orinventory slots). Secret training of the adipomancers permits them to carry this within their mouth, but they cannot speak or eat during this period. Items can be released from the Pit at will, but this will dissipate the spell.

Become Delicious
R: Touch  T: Creature of [dice] x2 HD or less  D: [sum] varies
As written by Skerples: "Target creature smells and tastes delicious for the spell's duration. The smell radiates 20' in calm air, but can spread via wind or leave a trail. Sentient creatures can usually resist the urge to eat the target without a Save, but animals and other ravenous creatures must Save or select the spell's target as their primary attack target. Insects will be attracted to the target for the spell's duration. The target may Save at the end of each duration interval to negate the effects. 1 [dice]: minutes, 2 [dice]: hours, 3 [dice]: months, 4 [dice] years. This spell can also affect dead creatures."

Gravity Wave
R: < 30'  T: Self  D: 0
The caster can either repulse or attract loose objects and creatures of [dice] HD or fewer, within a radius of their specification. Repulsed bodies will be pushed to the edge of the area of effect.

Sweet and Sour Palm
R: Touch  T: Creature  D: 0
The target is launched back [dice] x5 feet when hit. The attack deals acid damage and will leave a burning red handprint.

Pudding Bomb
R: Touch  T: Self  D: 5 minutes
The caster creates [dice] lipid simulacrums of themselves. These creatures have 1 HD and can explode for 1d6 damage. Unexploded bombs will be reduced to an inanimate puddle if they travel more than 100' away from the caster, or as time runs out. The caster retains remote control and awareness of all bombs. All dice spent on this spell count as burnt.

MESHI MESHI MESHI MESHI MESHI ORA!
R: Touch  T: Creature  D: 0
Burn a spell die: gain an additional attack this turn. Die explodes on a 6.

Mishaps

1. Spell die only return on a 1-2 for 24 hours.
2. Paralyzed for 1d6 turns.
3. Take 1d6 damage.
4. Struck with incredible hunger, spend a turn eating a ration.
5. Burnt spell die do not reduce encumbrance for 24 hours.
6. Bizarre and obtuse cravings for 1d6 days. Save vs magic at end of period, permanent on failure.
   

Dooms

1. Your appetite flees you. You cannot regain burnt die for 24 hours.
2. Food tastes utterly disgusting for 3 days. You must pass a save vs poison to eat a meal.
3. You permanently lose your faculties of taste and hunger, and may no longer eat additional portions.

This doom can be avoided by preparing and consuming a dish of True Angelfood, or by fasting for ten days and nights.

Final notes:

This is an adaptation of Connor W's lipimancer class, now flavored as a monk because fat jolly monks who also know kung-fu are awesome.

This class is absolutely designed to work with Skerples' Monster Menu-All and the cooking rules from Occultesque. 

Yes, I know that Maya is actually ripped as hell and just uses layers of clothing to make herself look fat. I will use any excuse I need to.

Using GLOG for magical martial arts was a great idea.

Barber-Surgeons

When you were a boy, your father would cut your hair with the same iron scissors he used to shear the goats. They were frightening to look at, but never once did he slip. He'd tell you stories he'd picked up from the hobos in town as his shears went snip - snip - snip... you can't remember many of them now.

But you do remember when he stopped. It was during the summer your little sister was born that your father kept his shears on their peg and took you into town to visit Mr. Jameson. The little bell above the door jingled as your father entered, and as you followed you had your first glimpse of the world of men. Those were the days where your father and men like him were as gods to you, and you sat in that black leather chair overjoyed at the thought of their approval. You were in on the secret now, a pilgrim who had taken the first step towards becoming a grown-up.

Years later, when you were no longer a boy but not yet a man, you strode into that shop with fuzz on your cheeks and a pocketful of pennies and ordered a shave with a straight-edged razor. Mr Jameson smiled as he always did, and the men gathered there commented on how fine you'd grown up, and your father tried to read the newspaper with his new spectacles. He didn't have much need for haircuts anymore, so he came for the good company.

Years later, you went away. You went to the city, got an education, met a girl, gave her a ring and a promise and your heart. She cut your hair, and you were happy.

And then the letter came. Your father was a dead. A stroke. Nothing to be done.

You wept then, and your lady wept with you. Before your tears had dried, you donned your hat and jacket and took the swiftest route home. It didn't feel real, even as you stepped through the door you knew each grain. To see your mother half broken, to see your sister married, to see a house that you knew was missing a person...it wasn't real.

When you had run out of tears you went into town, went back to the barbershop, ordered a shave and a haircut. Mr. Jameson had long gone grey, and the men you'd known as gods in your youth were creased and tired. The smiles were muted, their words quiet. And you knew, at that point more clearly than anything, that you would join them. You had become a man.

***

Anyone who claims that wizard is the opposite of witch is probably a wizard themselves. This is false (and the claim is usually attached to some nonsense about dancing around with no drawers on), and everyone living outside of academia knows that the real opposite of a witch is a barber. Women have witches, men have barbers - this is the way of things, and it has been a mostly-agreeable professional rivalry for a good long while.

Barbers, like their counterparts, are an integral part of small town life and an indispensable resource for dungeon hobos, providing medical services and a social gathering space. Barbers don't have any sort of magical craft as part of their trade, but to make up for that they usually have some sort of formal, degree-producing learning. They are not doctors, they do not receive doctorates (big city doctors get right pissy if you imply to the contrary), but they do know how a body works.

Barbershops that offer medical services to hobos will have a sign hanging from the pole bearing a sword and shovel tied together by red thread.

Quartet rehearsal is usually on Wednesday evenings.

 

Barbershop services

Prices are listed on a silver standard.

• Shave and a haircut - 2c
• Hot towel - 1c
• Bleeding (cures sanguine) - 1s, -1 HP
• Lancing (cures choleric) - 2s, -1 HP
• Draining (cures phlegmatic) - 2s, -1 HP
• Purgative (cures melancholic) - 3s, -1 HP
• Leeches (cures sanguine) - 3s,
• Tooth pulled - 1s / tooth
• Wounds dressed and stitched - 5s
• Surgery - 1g
• Large animal veterinary services -  1g - 5g
• News and rumors - Free
• No questions asked -Varies

 

Playing as a Barber

Barbers are specialists, with the following skills and items.

Medicine 3 (Used to identify and understand illness and injury.)
Languages 2
Local Lore 2

• Razor (d2)
• Knife (d4)
• Vial of shaving cream
• Comb and scissors
• Bottle of medicinal whiskey
• Cutter's Kit 
• Needle and thread
• Pliers
• Scalpel
• Bonesaw
• Forceps
• Tourniquets 
• 3 bullets
• A biting-cloth 
• Ether (5 doses, 10% chance)
• Syringe and morphine (1 dose, 5% chance)

 

Wound Treatment, Surgery, and Infection

Basic wound treatment heals d6 HP. It cannot recover negative HP or treat fatal wounds. There is no chance of infection if the wound has been cleaned and the tools have been sterilized.

Surgery restores d4*d6 HP, and can be used to recover negative HP and treat fatal wounds. There is a base 1-in-6 chance of avoiding infection, which goes up by one point for each of the following circumstances.

• The wound has been cleaned
• Tools have been sterilized
• Operating area has been sterilized
• Low distraction environment
• Patient has passed save to avoid panic

If this check is failed, the patient must make a save vs poison at -4. Upon failure, the wound becomes infected - the patient will only gain half of the HP from the surgery, will take 1d6 damage per day, and all rolls and saves will be made at a further -2 penalty. The patient may make another save against the infection once per day.