Friday, June 30, 2017

Gobs and Hobs

by Jesper Elsing

Oi me boys, me hobs and me gobs
We got us some jobs ta do!
The gangly big blokes have got swollen heads
And need to get knocked down a few pegs!

Down to the town, me gobbos, me hobbos
Joke and jape away an’ afar!
Spare no one the sting
Give ‘em a zing
And turn the damn pile on its head!

What has it got in its pocketses?

  1. A piece of string and a dead rat
  2. Five wedding rings
  3. A colorful caterpillar collection
  4. Mushroom sandwich
  5. Flask of moonshine
  6. Flask of moonshine (literal)
  7. Handful of sheep’s eyes
  8. Pet lint spirit
  9. Saint’s stolen fingerbone
  10. Loaded dice (always come up 1 and 6)
  11. The deed for a large bridge, legitimate
  12. Gigantic tricorn with ostrich feathers (folds up neatly)
  13.  Emblem of one of the lost goblin kings
  14. Firecracker grenade
  15. Ruby the size of an egg, is actually a type of fruit
  16. Receipt from the Market for kitten whiskers and maids’ tears
  17. Pipe, tobacco, cleaning kit
  18. Bottle of Dr. Lugubrious Hob’s Miracle Tonic
  19. Rust-dust from a hero’s sword
  20. A very confused badger

What are they planning?
  1.  Maiden flight of bovine-powered aircraft
  2. Weasel-Stomping Day
  3.  Flood local schoolhouse with ice cream
  4. Kidnap local prince’s bride-to-be, replace with troll
  5. Re-instate fish dueling in the courts
  6. Curse everyone to talk backwards
  7.  Bringing powdered wigs back in style
  8. Operation: Emperor’s Got No Clothes
  9.  Introducing democracy by means of everyone throwing rotten vegetables at everyone else
  10. Instituting the Diet of Worms
  11. Steal everyone’s left shoe, hide them all at the tops of trees
  12. Stand on each other’s shoulders, wear overcoats and sheets, descend upon townsfolk
  13. Mass chaos and disarray, with explosions
  14. Drag races
  15. Replace king’s crown with live groundhog during dinner
  16. Wide scale protests for / against topic they refuse to tell people about
  17. Seduce the youth of today with their hippity-hop big-band ragtime music
  18. Found Church of the Great Cosmic Pierogi
  19. Countywide spellcheck graffiti campaign
  20.  Something completely different
Who’s your broodmother?
  1. Famous opera singer and notorious Munchausen
  2. Hidden from sight behind spider-silk veils, crossword fiend
  3.  Permanently out to lunch
  4. Dreams of exploring, collects maps instead
  5. Lives in and moves about by a Rube Goldberg machine
  6. Biggest fan of the local sports team
  7.  Friend of giant eagles, skydives regularly
  8. Amateur comedian. Not good, but willing to take criticism.
  9. Maintains a 30,000 strong live butterfly collection
  10. Has organized the entire warren as a living musical show.
by Ariel Perez


  1. This was all the result of me asking for random tables to come up with at work, and then +Arnold K and +Skerples providing answers.

  2. Hip hip hooray, it's Weasel-Stomping Day!

    I like the use of goblins as professional humiliators, putting society in its place via eccentric shenanigans. Maybe our world would be better with them!