Had to be done. Someone had to do it, and I am someone, so I have to do it.
The Creepy Castle is located...
- On top of a jagged, snow-covered cliff.
- On a island in the middle of a mist-veiled lake.
- In the center of an equally-creepy rural town.
- In blight-stricken farmland.
- In the middle of an old-growth forest.
- Isolated on the moors.
- On a barren island off the coast.
- Paranoia-inducingly bucolic countryside
- Down in the low country, out on the bayou.
- In the noble's district of the decaying capitol.
The Terribly Tall Vampire Lady is also...
- Rather wide.
- Made of living marble.
- Very hairy, with a weird bat nose.
- Scabby and leprous.
- Disconcertingly, uncannily perfect.
- Vaguely reminiscent of a famous actress
- Very nearly mummified.
- Obsessed with the sun: shades & veils galore.
- Not a believer in conforming to gender or genre stereotypes.
She lives there with...
- No one. She can carry this shindig by herself.
- Equally-large spouse.
- Normal-sized spouse.
- Even taller parent.
- Good for nothing laze-about son.
- Three ambitious, bloodthirsty daughters.
- Vampiric ward.
- Enormous chimerical fleshbeast not entirely unlike a dog.
- Roll d8, twice.
- Roll d8, 3 times.
And is said to...
- Impale dissidents and put their heads on the battlements.
- Cook people into enormous pies.
- Break out into spontaneous musical numbers.
- Constantly scribble down in a journal to augment her failing memory.
- Still have a few flickers of humanity left (ha ha, good luck)
- Be working on a philosopher's stone.
- Have plans to usurp Dracula.
- Be a master of all manner of weird sciences.
- Be a disciple of the Old Ones.
- Be on the run from the Executioners and their wheel.
By terrified peasants who...
- Are looking for an outsider to serve as a deniable asset.
- Have started a cult to appease her, complete with giant effigies.
- Are trying to spin the town as a tourist spot for the bourgeois.
- Do their best to ignore the horror.
- Are disconcertingly gung-ho about the whole situation.
- Are orchestrating an elaborate Truman Show ruse.
- Are engaged in a losing guerilla warfare against her.
- Really liked the previous vampire a lot better,
- Are more of a nuisance than anything, and taste awful.
- All have bigger problems to deal with.
Her lieutenant is...
- None, she runs everything by herself.
- A family member (see table 3)
- Her many, many cats.
- Ex-vampire hunter, broken to her will.
- Herself, wearing a cunning  disguise.
- A minor vampire from a foreign court.
- A immaculately dressed and perfectly-timed butler.
- One of the experiments from the lab.
- Cowardly, very sweaty, mayor of the town. Seersucker suit.
- Local wizard who is just that, he wears a pointed hat.
And her rival is...
- Pair of mysterious government agents in black.
- Overly-ambitious hunter in well over their head.
- The previous inhabitant of the Creepy Castle.
- A former disciple, attempting to usurp her.
- Archpriestess of the cult of the spider goddess.
- A corpse-eater preying on her flock.
- A skyship full of clowns.
- A different, equally large vampire lady.
- Some chucklehead who keeps stumbling into these situations.
- Entirely imaginary.
It is said that her weakness is...
- Consecrated relics of an obscure pagan religion.
- Classic decap + stake + burn it all. All three steps required.
- Destruction of the vessel in which she keeps her heart.
- A virulent strain of unique, poisonous mold.
- Powdered angel bones.
- Fire from the core of the Earth.
- Encasing her parts in lead so they cannot regenerate.
- Terminal vampirocancer.
- A debt, with interest, to the devil (Scholomance tuition fees)
But you must first survive the...
- Overly-elaborate death traps (the result of boredom)
- The flooded, corpse-choked dungeons.
- The blood-crusted automatons stalking the halls.
- The combination slaughterhouse-exsanguinatory.
- Aforementioned skyship full of clowns.
- Gargoyle-infested battlements.
- Labyrinthine halls swarming with bloated ticks.
- Private military contractors raiding the castle at the same time as you.
- Roll d8 twice
- Roll d8 thrice