Tuesday, May 25, 2021

What's in the Creepy Castle of the Terribly Tall Vampire Lady?



 Had to be done. Someone had to do it, and I am someone, so I have to do it.

The Creepy Castle is located...

  1. On top of a jagged, snow-covered cliff.
  2. On a island in the middle of a mist-veiled lake.
  3. In the center of an equally-creepy rural town.
  4. In blight-stricken farmland.
  5. In the middle of an old-growth forest.
  6. Isolated on the moors.
  7. On a barren island off the coast.
  8. Paranoia-inducingly bucolic countryside
  9. Down in the low country, out on the bayou.
  10. In the noble's district of the decaying capitol.

The Terribly Tall Vampire Lady is also...

  1. Emaciated.
  2. Rather wide.
  3. Made of living marble.
  4. Very hairy, with a weird bat nose.
  5. Scabby and leprous.
  6. Disconcertingly, uncannily perfect.
  7. Vaguely reminiscent of a famous actress
  8. Very nearly mummified.
  9. Obsessed with the sun: shades & veils galore.
  10. Not a believer in conforming to gender or genre stereotypes.

She lives there with...

  1. No one. She can carry this shindig by herself.
  2. Equally-large spouse.
  3. Normal-sized spouse.
  4. Even taller parent.
  5. Good for nothing laze-about son.
  6. Three ambitious, bloodthirsty daughters.
  7. Vampiric ward.
  8. Enormous chimerical fleshbeast not entirely unlike a dog.
  9. Roll d8, twice.
  10. Roll d8, 3 times.

And is said to...

  1. Impale dissidents and put their heads on the battlements.
  2. Cook people into enormous pies.
  3. Break out into spontaneous musical numbers.
  4. Constantly scribble down in a journal to augment her failing memory.
  5. Still have a few flickers of humanity left (ha ha, good luck)
  6. Be working on a philosopher's stone.
  7. Have plans to usurp Dracula.
  8. Be a master of all manner of weird sciences.
  9. Be a disciple of the Old Ones.
  10. Be on the run from the Executioners and their wheel.

By terrified peasants who... 

  1. Are looking for an outsider to serve as a deniable asset.
  2. Have started a cult to appease her, complete with giant effigies.
  3. Are trying to spin the town as a tourist spot for the bourgeois. 
  4. Do their best to ignore the horror.
  5. Are disconcertingly gung-ho about the whole situation.
  6. Are orchestrating an elaborate Truman Show ruse.
  7. Are engaged in a losing guerilla warfare against her.
  8. Really liked the previous vampire a lot better,
  9. Are more of a nuisance than anything, and taste awful.
  10. All have bigger problems to deal with.

Her lieutenant is...

  1. None, she runs everything by herself.
  2. A family member (see table 3) 
  3. Her many, many cats.
  4. Ex-vampire hunter, broken to her will.
  5. Herself, wearing a cunning [citation needed] disguise.
  6. A minor vampire from a foreign court.
  7. A immaculately dressed and perfectly-timed butler.
  8. One of the experiments from the lab.
  9. Cowardly, very sweaty, mayor of the town. Seersucker suit.
  10. Local wizard who is just that, he wears a pointed hat.

And her rival is...

  1. Pair of mysterious government agents in black.
  2. Overly-ambitious hunter in well over their head.
  3. The previous inhabitant of the Creepy Castle.
  4. A former disciple, attempting to usurp her.
  5. Archpriestess of the cult of the spider goddess.
  6. A corpse-eater preying on her flock.
  7. A skyship full of clowns.
  8. A different, equally large vampire lady.
  9. Some chucklehead who keeps stumbling into these situations.
  10. Entirely imaginary.

It is said that her weakness is...

  1. Consecrated relics of an obscure pagan religion.
  2. Classic decap + stake + burn it all. All three steps required.
  3. Destruction of the vessel in which she keeps her heart.
  4. A virulent strain of unique, poisonous mold.
  5. Powdered angel bones.
  6. Fire from the core of the Earth.
  7. Encasing her parts in lead so they cannot regenerate.
  8. Terminal vampirocancer.
  9. A debt, with interest, to the devil (Scholomance tuition fees)
  10. Chocolate

But you must first survive the...

  1. Overly-elaborate death traps (the result of boredom)
  2. The flooded, corpse-choked dungeons.
  3. The blood-crusted automatons stalking the halls.
  4. The combination slaughterhouse-exsanguinatory.
  5. Aforementioned skyship full of clowns.
  6. Gargoyle-infested battlements.
  7. Labyrinthine halls swarming with bloated ticks.
  8. Private military contractors raiding the castle at the same time as you.
  9. Roll d8 twice
  10. Roll d8 thrice


  1. Look these are important questions and the people need to know.

  2. gotta watch out for those airship clowns. They're tough operators.

  3. Did you just reference Hotel Transylvania?

  4. On the "She lives there with" table, rolling a 9-10 and then a 1 makes for a very intriguing combination...