Thursday, June 15, 2017



Hear this! +Arnold K  and +Scrap Princess have lied to you! They are not enemies, no! They have been working together the entire time!

As punishment for their crimes against bird and man I decree there shall be MORE OPPOSITE MONSTERS.

Animated Object
Immobile Organism

A sessile, pillarlike creature with no limbs or sensory organs. Does not move, ever, even on a cellular level. Can be moved by other forces, however. Often used as signposts, building foundations, lamp-stands, coat-racks, etc. due to their pleasing coloration patterns and inability to run away.

Very Quiet Beast

An unassuming male humanoid (not human – it triggers all sorts of uncanny valley warnings) who wears a nice suit and only ever makes faint white noise. Steals voices from newborns or new mothers.


A slimy, serpentine creature that can turn stone to flesh through its mucosal secretions. Lives underground, can be size of arm to size of a bus. Mostly eats the flesh-dirt that it burrows through. Always hungry. Tunnel walls will decay over time, easily tracked.


Actually a veteran Triad hitman in a costume. Is sick and tired of eating bamboo and not having sex. Absolutely ready to stab someone.


A vast and terrible creature that can only be perceived when one is not looking at it. Can be heard and smelled (smells awful) if head is turned or eyes are closed. Cannot be seen using peripheral vision (cheaters). In possession of vast and terrible teeth: little else is known. Three legs estimated due to footstep noises.

The wizard’s college at Ol-Jemaggi has been training a crack team of blind men, hoping to release them on the captive Blinder in the thaumozoology department. They’ve been practicing on elephants for years now.

Black Pudding

A big white cassava-based pudding filled with pearls. Friendly and a tasty desert. Desires to be eaten, for reasons unknown. Peals might be actual pearls.

Sacred Cow / Golden Calf

A perfect bovine specimen, radiant and splendorous. Those who witness its divine golden glow throw down their arms at the sight, so that they may do it homage. Does not actually have any godly powers. Killing one will result in some fantastic steaks and a lot of angry worshipers.

Deep Dwarf
Bright Tall Ones

Appear in bands of 2d4. Up to 20 feet tall, limbs and body thin enough to wrap thumb and forefinger around. Always traveling west, chasing the sun.

Displacer Beast
Vigilo Confido

A lean white dog with massive ears and a long, long tail. It will always appear precisely where and when it is needed. Used as guard dogs by those that can aford them. Very lazy, on grounds of being able to reach food and catch balls with minimal effort.


Shapeshifters that can take the form of the perfect opposite of a person – opposite sex, coloration, height and weight (as compared to averages), humour, philosophical alignment, etc. This, of course, means that the person who is imitated is also an opposant.


Spheres of undifferentiated matter, connected by thin rods. Immensely valuable to alchemists and high school chemistry teachers. Roll 1d118 for each sphere.


A being consisting of hard edges, angry eyebrows, and loud noises. Aggressive, hypercapitalist liars who lack any sort of empthaty, psychic or otherwise. Absolutely untrustworthy in all regards, but irregularly so, so one cannot be assured that the opposite of their statements is the truth either. General hatred of anything on or under the ground – they live in trees and on cliff-sides. Will accost passers by by dropping on their shoulders and screaming “WHO IS JOHN GALT? WHY IS HIS HEAD A FOUNTAIN?” and other such nonsense until their general disgust of poor people drives them away.


A dull and smoky spirit that, when released, will make three demands of the individual who woke them and will bind them by laying three curses upon their head, which cannot be lifted until the associated request is completed. Will often catch any associates in the curses as well, because they can’t be assed to aim straight. They just want their stuff, man.

Ghost / Shadow / Specter

The physical embodiment of the soul: a brightly colored, rubbery, palm-sized blob, similar to a water balloon. Each one contains an entire person in stasis, will be woken up if placed into a new host body (homunculi, skeleton, golem, recently deceased individual)


Like a normal cat, but hollow inside. Posses a mane of feathers, flames, and eyeballs. Will dump dead demons on the doorsteps of the devout.


A large reptilian head with five separate necks and bodies. Deathly thin from lack of food and rarely able to coordinate itself to move anywhere. An ambush predator by necessity, often used as a guardian of treasure (they starve very, very slowly). If a neck is severed, it will greedily devour the murdered body.


A tiny angel that will float about ones shoulders and keep meticulous track of every bad thing a person does. Keeps immaculate records on an endless scroll. Looks like a grey old man and a baby at the same time. Actively hates all fun.

Intellect Devourer
Ignorant Nibbler

A simpleminded, slothful creature that feeds on misguided thoughts and incorrect beliefs. Does not consume them completely, but if it stays around long enough doubt will be introduced into the mental ecosystem. Always has a dopey grin on its face. Very useful, and disliked in equal measure.

Friendly Flying Shipstealer

Gigantic airborne cuttlefish that will pick up ships at sea and drop them off elsewhere. Will change colors and tentacle positions in elaborate semaphore. Ship-moving might potentially be a sort of game, further study needed. Burgeoning air-cuttlefish-ship industry is getting off the ground, but facing difficulty because it is quite hard to tell a giant flying cuttlefish where to go.


Shaggy creature from the snowy mountains. Breasts like the Artemis of Ephesus (5-in-6 chance of nursing young, 2-in-3 chance of being currently pregnant). Blood is scalding hot, will boil away snow and leave burn marks. Huge drooping whiskers.

Mind Flayer
Body Sculptor

Flesh and bone is as marble and bronze. Lone, mad artisans attempting to improve upon nature. Absolutely no sense of where it's best to stop. Tend to ask “why not?” They will make you BEAUTIFUL. A MASTERPIECE!

Helpful Maze

The maze is alive, and hates watching people fumble around for hours or days inside it. The path out is clearly marked with a series of large red arrows on the floor and walls. Usually accompanied with signs saying “THIS WAY TO EXIT” or “TRAP HERE, PLEASE AVOID”. In rich areas, will be able to upgrade to neon. If directions are not followed, will begin berating the lost, usually involving references to the back of cereal boxes.

Motile Brickwork

Colonial creatures that will build all sorts of things if they are given enough time. Each hive has a Queen Brick, which one can easily identify due to it wearing a crown.


An albatross that cannot die, and is stuck in a perpetual state of drowning about a foot beneath the surface. Only able to lay eggs when it washes up on the shore. If hung around the neck, it will drown on behalf of the wearer (it was already drowning anyway).

If somehow dried off, will undergo existential crisis and throw itself back in the water,


A body inhabited by a potential soul, leftover from a birth – how someone could have been. Usually less of a disappointment to their parents.

Star-Nosed Tyrannomole

A tyrannosaurus that lives underground, and wants nothing more than to fly.

It is not very good at digging, due to its tiny arms. It is very not good at flying, and has to recruit bands of normal birds to carry it aloft with strings and strategically-placed balloons.

Rust Monster

A giant iron pillbug that feeds on weapons and armor. A year and a day after eating, it will excrete a +1 variant of the item, hidden among several hundred pounds of charcoal and ash. Breathes fire normally, all the time. If the flames are not stoked, it will die.


A human musculature, with ligaments. Has a lot of difficulty getting around without bones to provide leverage, but tries admirably. Will attempt to make spooky rattling noises, but makes weird sputtering sounds instead. Really wishes it had bones, will attempt to take yours. Very good at grappling and squeezing.

Succubus / Incubus
Modesty Monster

Utterly terrified and appalled at the sight of skin. Will attempt to force people into ugly floor-length veils, and failing this, will stuff people in bags. Will actively hunt down practitioners of sexual activity, language, or thought processes and beat them with a large club. Does not actually understand how sex works, thinks children are a separate species that gets infected by parasitic acne-oozes during puberty.

Brittlebone Bridgetopper

A spindly, fragile creature that lives atop bridges (suspension bridges are the best, plenty of room to climb). Will be crippled for life if injured. Eats birds, collects eggshells. Feet have long, flexible toes and thumbs. Limbs have too many joints in them.


A midnight-black horse covered in spikes. Wild and unridable, which means people are always trying to capture and ride it. Will have 1d4 corpses stuck on it, 10% chance of each still being alive. Spines can be fashioned into swords, and are covered in micro-serrations.

Hemogifter (Transfusicon)

Akin to a giant, land-based jellyfish (or huge plastic bag), filled with blood. The blood is filled with larvae, which must be injected into a host body to survive and grow. Save vs disease to resist blood-borne pathogens if struck. Commonly found sunbathing on beaches; inner lining hosts colonies of photosynthetic bacteria.


A bat head, but also a blob, crawling around on a single muscular foot.


A fetus that recieved its soul too early, directly from the gods. Floats around in a sphere of amniotic fluid and placental tissue. Wants love and validation and hates the cold uncaring universe that woke it up from its wonderful, not-dangerous nap.


  1. Pretty sure the last one is just Reuniclus.

    1. To my great shame it took me a moment to remember which one that is.

  2. I'm not exactly sure what Arnold K and Scrap Princess did, but I'm glad they did it.

    Each of these opposite monsters are surreal, many are absurd, and half are as hilarious as the other half are nightmare-inducing.

    Apparent proof you can create some pretty effective monsters with a clever rebalancing of the equation.