Sunday, March 18, 2018

1d10 Horrible Hives

This was going to be a post about Hot Springs Island, but the group only got about an hour in before I was struck by a terrible allergic reaction to store-bought General Tso's sauce. My face got all swollen up and boiled-lobster red.

My true form, revealed!

I think it's one of the preservatives in there, since the only other foods that trigger hives are Kraft macaroni and cheese and Oreo pop-tarts. The General Tso's at every Chinese place I have ever gone to has no effect. I have no idea what is up with this.

So instead of writing a session report (very little happened, and we rescheduled), have a random table fueled by the misery of last night.

1d10 Horrible Cases of the Hives

  1. You are filled with thousands upon thousands of ants, each the size of a sand grain and burning hot. They are perfectly fine where they are and don't want to leave.
  2. A glowing red spot of unbearable itchiness migrates from point to point across your body, with no sensible pattern. Scratching at it will root it to the spot for a moment, but increase the itchiness tenfold. It will shine brighter and brighter as it is scratched. If scratched too much, a burning, lidless eye will open there.
  3. Your face has inflated, removing your ability to speak. Your eyes turn red, and you are able to see the blood pulsing in others' veins. The only sound is the thump of your own heart in your ears.
  4. Each hive is the size of a silver piece, and bulbous. They expand and contract with your breath, quivering with wordless menace.
  5. The hives are blackened and cracked, and spit out wisps of necrotic miasmas. If scratched, they flake away like charcoal under your fingernails.
  6. Your sweat has the stink of bile, and your hands move on their own, seeking to tear at your skin unbidden by your mind.
  7. You seep honey from your scratches, and under the puckered skin you catch glimpses of the combs.
  8. Your hives rise and then separate from your body, buzzing about in a cloud before dispersing into the still and stagnant air.
  9. Hives harden into brilliant red pebbles. The itching fades, but in its place there are only the smooth, cool stones embedded in the skin.
  10. God-damn goblins and their god-damn itching powder!

Friday, March 9, 2018



The official rules of wizardball, as collected and tabulated by the Fantasy Wizardball Association, have been successfully used as an implement of murder. The version containing the appendix of variant rules has a spine so thick it cannot actually be opened without mechanical or magical aid. Multi-volume collections have been known to grow unruly enough to devour the reader.

Thankfully, the wizardball community ignores all of this and embraces the maddening chaos that is the magical world's greatest sport. There is no understanding the incomprehensible layers of in-jokes and strategies from the outside; there is only the knowing of the initiated.

Wizardball gets into your blood. The roar of the crowd, the pounding of the drums, the colors of the jerseys, the ozone tang of octarine mists and the smells of lemon ice and sausages inna bun. Wizardball is life itself.

For the uninitiated, there are four simple guidelines that give structure wizardball.
  • The point of the game is to get the ball, by whatever means necessary, into the enemy's goal. Scores may go up until a time limit has been reached, or down until a team's pool of points has been exhausted.
  • The two teams are arrayed as one would set up a chess board: 8 pawns, 2 rooks, 2 knights, 2 bishops, a king and a queen.
  • Each position can be filled from a pool of variant classes. Each class is equipped with ta specific loadout of appropriate spells and equipment, and is beholden to a series of limitations.
  • Cheating is permitted, so long as it does not extend past the boundaries of the pitch and the cheater can manage to either outwit or overpower the referee.
Beyond this, well, the rules are made up and the points don't matter. The Purist Variant Ruling dictates that wizardball only has one rule, being that a rule cannot be repeated twice, but this variant is not considered league-legal.

1d20 School Mascots

  1. Ol' Rusty the rust monster
  2. Manny the Maniac Manticore
  3. The Green Gorgon
  4. Bullette Biter
  5. The Big Hungry Mimic
  6. The Tin Men
  7. Ozzie Ooze
  8. The Deep Ones
  9. Skeleton Dan
  10. Mopey the Catelopas
  11. Sidney Salamander
  12. The Hellhound Named Spot
  13. Bumf the Flumph
  14. The Great Griffin
  15. The Brawling Blemmeyes
  16. The Tartary Lambs
  17. Brother Wulfhelm, the Drunken Monk
  18. Mabel the Mermaid
  19. D. T., Princess of the Red Planet
  20. Terry the Tarasque

1d20 Other Wizarding Sports 

Sport names courtesy of +Skerples

1. Rugger

Teams are scrambled on the quarter

2. Soccer

Can only be played while blackout drunk

3. Blagger

Asymmetrical field

4. Blugger

Traditionally played nude

5. Crumpet

Synchronized musical accompaniment

6. Cornet

Uses sticks and shields

7. Horseshoe

Average match lasts nine hours

8. Bannet

One team replaced by demons

9. Lurp Ball

Players cannot touch the ground

10. Flems-fight

The arena is flooded and filled with trout

11. Tennis

Players launched out of cannons

12. Ballmight

Must sacrifice losing team to the SUPERB OWL during playoffs.

13. Renfield

A live tiger released during second half

14. Nibblet

Indistinguishable from actual warfare

15. Zork

Played only in complete darkness

16. Mango

Played with 30 balls on the pitch

17. Gibbet

Goals move autonomously

18. Follow-the-Pony

One continuous game that has run for 187 years

19. Estivan Tony

Adaptable playing field

20. Flibbertygibbet

Oh gods, everything is on fire

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

1d20 Wizarding Colleges

David Wyatt

Wizards have degrees. This is the way of things. You can't be a proper wizard without a diploma. It's respectable. If you don't have a degree from a respectable school, why, you're no better than a witch!

The kicker is that there's no such thing as a respectable wizards' college.
  1. Twin boarding schools for the children of the rich and powerful. Male and female campuses on opposite sides of the street. Anti-canoodling rules prove only vaguely enforceable in the face of the student body's vast creativity.
  2. A flooded library buried deep undergound. Mushroom men maintain the records, though they are slow readers and often grow all over the books you need to get for class.
  3. A shipwreck inside a whale's stomach, haunted by the ever-tormented souls of the sailors that now serve as the faculty.
  4. Two aged sphinxes playing chess in a public park, discussing the mysteries of the universe. They will occasionally bring in someone from the circle of listeners to act as referee.
  5. An ancient mountaintop tower, carved from a primordial stone spear pinning a demon lord to said mountain. Has an excellent football program.
  6. A labyrinthine history department, severed from its parent school decades ago by a planar mishap. The inhabitants are descendants of the faculty and students, and have maintained the collegiate structure as a way of maintaining societal order.
  7. A fortress in the middle of the desert built on top of a gigantic dungeon, which occasionally provides a student, rather than just eating them.
  8. A haphazard cluster of bright-painted buildings on stilts in the center of a freshwater lake, sponsored by the Court of Lampreys. Tuition is free, but sometimes the administration needs a few favors. To help with the paperwork, you see.
  9. A grungy inner-city community center, taught by a well-meaning but thoroughly overwhelmed and unprepared noblewoman.
  10. A friendly traveling theater troupe with a curriculum of comedic-educational operettas. The tenor is remarkably good with the patter songs, though he does bear a striking resemblance to a wanted murderer.
  11. An isolated complex devoted to the various thaumartial arts. The admissions department requires prospective students to impress the director with a show of athletic skill.
  12. An opulent school practically a city unto itself. The dean is a dragon. The financial aid office is run by demons. The textbooks are sold by a vampire-owned publishing company. Many of the students are missing an arm or a leg. On the bright side, there's a diamond the size of a cow somewhere in the business office.
  13. Greasy back room of a spicy fried cockatrice shop. Totally legitimate. Definitely, totally legitimate. Please ignore the misspellings and smell of narcotics.
  14. You've had no learning besides the school of hard knocks (read: an old dwarf with a sturdy stick who took you on as apprentice.)
  15. A crumbling gothic castle, filled with all manner of ghostly maidens in diaphanous states of undress, the tormented spirits of diabolic monks, and the occasional humanities professor with a sheet over their head.
  16. Moon U, being the moon's first and currently only wizarding college. Started in a secretive bunker, has expanded into a full spaceport. It's an open secret that the New Gods are involved (all hail).
  17. A tower of sapphire rising up over the moors. Classical, respected, traditional...and everyone there is a woman wearing a fake beard and socks down her trousers. They don't have to anymore, but it's traditional by this point.
  18. An ordinary college town with a C-list school that is well-regarded in the region but one of the perpetually small fish of the academic world.
  19. The place hasn't been dusted in five years, the syllabus hasn't been updated in fifty, and the youngest faculty member is 87. They still talk about the glory days.
  20. Focuses entirely upon the study of a hypothetical parallel world where magic, and thus wizards, do not exist.

Sunday, March 4, 2018

Blog Index

 To be updated when I remember to do so.

Mother Stole Fire

Clever Lu and the Dragons
40 Questions 
Darvatius the Eternal
Bakunawa and the Seven Moons
The Bhedu
Cloacina and the Merde Grande
Mushrooms of Llaphedon
Courts of the Alfar
Panacea Potions
Mundo the Seal
The Lilu
The Old School Part 1, Part 2
Satchel Buck's Lonely Souls Club
Four Knightly Orders
Dungeon Hobo Slang and Signs
Clerical Relics

The Great Discape

Part 1, Part 2
Bestiary 1, Bestiary 2, Bestiary 3

Space Stuff

Spaceship Character Class
Spaceship Encounters

Distant Lands of Diy

Version 1, Version 2


Clerical Relics
Dung Knight
Nightsoil Priest


Florens and Hauflins


Reverse Monsters
Ordinary Magical Animals
Spaceship Encounters

Random Tables

100 Biblical Events and Aesthetics
100 Convictions
20 Hordes of Monstrous Humanoids
20 Lingering Effects of Petrification
20 Memories of Old Wars
20 Magical Masks
20 Weird World Locations
20 Spells From My Playlist
20 Wizarding Colleges
26 Cults
24 Easy Family Trees
336 Wizards
What the Fuck am I Scrying?
The Crow's Foot
Goblin Plots, Pockets, and Broodmothers
It's October 9th!

Play Reports

One offs: 1
Fwea: 1 (Tomb of the Chimera Kings), 2 (Kidnap the Archpriest)
Diy: 1 (Blood in the Chocolate)
DCO With Randos: 1, 2
D6 Star Wars: 1


Fire on the Velvet Horizon
Tome of Beasts
Star Wars: The Last Jedi


The Greasetrap Lesson
The World of Fwea
Joyce Byers is the perfect Call of Cthulhu NPC
2017 Year in Review Setting
Horror is a Living Thing
Build a Better Cult
#DIY30 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
Womb of Annihilation
Delta Eclipse
Hoypoloi Sector 
Notes Towards a Pyre Tabletop

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Class: Bard

Bruno Cesar

University wizards love going on about the music of the spheres. Endless papers written about the eternal harmony of celestial bodies, vibrations of the astral plane, the the choir invisible, blah blah blah.

Needless to say, that's not really how it all works.

School: Bard

Perk: You can earn [reaction roll] silver pieces through busking per day while in town.

Drawback: You make a lot of noise and your hands are generally occupied with an instrument.


1: You may make a piercing whistle, and may choose to make it inaudible to humans.

2: You may infect someone with an ear-worm of up to 30 seconds in length, lasting for 1d8 hours and recurring 1d6 hours later on a failed save.

3: You may transmit basic messages and commands through your instrument.

Spell List:

Bardic uses a few unique mechanics:
  • All spells have the same range, being that of hearing distance.
  • Spell dice, while rolled and burnt as normal, do no directly empower spells: instead, each spell die invoked represents an active effect for the current song.
  • Active effects cannot be doubled.
  • Spells will cease to have effect when the caster is interrupted (damaged, pushed over,
Song of Healing
Allies gain 1d6 HP.

Song of Resistance
Allies gain +1 to saves.

Song of Scaresome Might
Enemies take -1 to morale.

Song of Battle 
Allies gain +1 to hit.

Song of Inspiration
Enemies take -1 to hit.

Song of Courage
Allies gain resistance to fear.

Song of Spells
Enemies must pass save vs magic to cast a successful spell.

Song of Luck
Allies will make a successful critical strike on 19-20.

Song of the Fleetfoot
Allies may move an additional space on their turn.

Song of Discord
Enemies must save vs magic or be deafened.

Song of Softness
Enemies deal -1 damage

Song of Striking
Allies gain + 1 damage.



I Would Like a More Different, More Traditional Spell List:

Put your favorite playlist on shuffle and keep going until you get twelve song titles you like. Make those into spells. If you are lazy, supplement from the list below:
  1. Synchronicity II
  2. Blind Guardian
  3. Till My Head Falls Off
  4. Busted and Blue
  5. Leave My Body
  6. The Drugs
  7. Bloody Stream
  8. Garage Palace
  9. Last Living Souls
  10. If We Were Vampires
  11. The Opened Way
  12. The Invading Tyrant
  13. Champagne Supernova
  14. Reaper Man
  15. 666 Kill Chop Deluxe
  16. Dragons in the Mud
  17. Snake Soul
  18. First In Last Out
  19. Hymn to Nikkal No. 6
  20. Blood and Thunder


  1. Guitar
  2. Banjo
  3. Fiddle
  4. Bouzouki 
  5. Sitar
  6. Drum
  7. Hurdy-gurdy
  8. Pan pipes
  9. Bagpipes
  10. Bamboo flute
  11. Harmonica
  12. Tin whistle
  13. Ocarina
  14. Lyre
  15. Polyphonic chant
  16. Accordion
  17. Bells
  18. Upright bass
  19. Brass horn
  20. Spoons


  1. The song is lost, spend 1d6 turns getting it going again.
  2. Song ends abruptly, all dice invoked burn out.
  3. All allies deafened for 1d6 turns.
  4. Current song is reduced to 1 random effect.
  5. Take 1d6 damage.
  6. Spell dice return only on 1-2 for 24 hours.


  1. The muse has left, your music is mundane and mediocre for 24 hours.
  2. As above, for 3 days.
  3. Your music has left you forever.
This doom can be avoided by putting on your blue suede shoes and touching down in the land of the delta blues, in the middle of the pouring rain. Alternatively, bet your soul against a devil's golden fiddle and win.

Monday, February 26, 2018

Class: Magelander

Magic bursts forth from the earth here, raw and vibrant. The grass is greener, the sky is bluer, the air is fresher. There are no wizards here - why would you need to study magic if there is mana in every breath, every meal, every cell, heavy and sweet as honey? You are free - from academic rigor, from social obligation, from human bindings. Free as the magic in and above the earth. The fools packed behind the grey walls of Mund, what do they know? Nothing of life, for certain.

School: Magelander

Perk: Impressive hat or hood that obscures the face. Bright red / blue / gold robes that cannot be dirtied.

Drawback: Start with 1 mutation.


1: You may conceal your mutations beneath your robes, and make dramatic reveals of them.

2: Can throw voice within 20' or speak with a polyphonic voice.

3: Colors within 5' may be changed or brightened at will.

Spell List:

There is no set spell list for magelanders. Instead, whenever you learn a new spell or spells, roll for  magic words from the list or lists of your choice and choose two words for each spell. Assemble them as you wish. 

Secret Shark
R: Touch T: Door or container D: [sum] rounds
When the target is opened, the spell summons an adult great white shark of 3+[dice] HD, that will thrash around and attempt to bite (1d8 damage) all nearby beings until it dies in [sum] rounds.

Confuse Corpse
R: 20' T: Undead creature of [dice] HD x2 or less D: 10 minutes
The target becomes immensely confused, as if aware for the first time of its state. This is characterized by the creature starring at its hands, staring out into space, staring up into the heavens, and silently mouthing simple phrases of existential questioning. It will pay no attention to any creatures during the duration of this spell.

Heart Light
R: Touch T: Recently removed heart  D: [sum] hours
The heart gives off light equivalent to a standard oil lamp. It will float steadily within 5' of the caster, and gives off a calm, appropriate beat. Additional effects can occur depending on [sum].
  • If the heart is lit for more than 6 hours, it will begin to whisper secrets about the party. There is a 1/3 chance these are lies.
  • If the heart is lit for more than 10 hours, random encounters will be triggered on 1-2.
  • If the heart is lit for more than 14 hours, all corpses within its light have a 50% chance of re-animation
  • If the heart is lit for more than 18 hours, it will gain one charge of fire spray (15' cone, 3d6 damage)
Animating Laugh
R: 30' T: Creatures in range D: 1 minute
Caster lets out a hearty laugh that imbues those that hear it with vigor and energy. [sum] points are split among those who listen to add to their rolls: points that go unused by the end of the time limit are not saved. 

Hold Tongue
R: 30' T: Creature D: [sum] turns
The target is muted. If 4 [dice] are invoked, the caster may pull the target's tongue out and do with it what they will before it is returned to the target's mouth.

Detect Storm
R: 20 miles T: Area D: 0
Caster is capable of determining any inclement weather developing within the scanning area. If 2 or more [dice] are invoked, the severity and length will be accurately determined.

Fear Deer
R: 40' line T: Area D: 0
Summons a spectral deer of nightmarish appearance. All beings who gaze upon it must make a save vs. fear at -[dice]. The blind, and those who know to cover their eyes, will not be affected. 

Steel Wall
R: 5' T: Ground D: 0
Creates a steel wall [dice]x2 ft in length and up to 10' in height. The wall has 30 HP and can be broken through with bludgeoning or fire damage.

Machine Gate
R: Touch T: Surface D: 5 minutes
Opens up a doorway into the Inner Sanctum of Click-Cog

Reveal Thought
R: 20' T: Creature D: 0
Reveals the thoughts of the target, which float in the air as glowing glyphs. [dice] number of thoughts can be transcribed, with a total of [sum] words split among all of them.

Tiger Cabal
R: N/A T: N/A D: 0
Summons three representatives of the Hidden Council of Stripes, sitting at table and partaking of their conference meal. The caster may ask favors of them, including but not limited to:
  • Deal [sum]+[dice] damage, as magic missile
  • [dice] pieces of pertinent information.
  • Change the weather for [sum] hours.
  • Providing [dice] x2 rations worth of raw meat.
  • Revealing secret doors
Casting this spell requires the sacrifice of [sum] / 2 HP. It it is cast more than once per day, it will instead summon an angry tiger.

Morph Bones
R: Touch T: Bone D: 0
The caster may shape [dice] bones into any simple shape of equivalent mass.Weapons, armor, and tools can be crafted, given sufficient material.

Yonghui Jia


  1. Take 1d6 damage, roll for a mutation.
  2. Deafened for 1d6 turns, roll for a mutation
  3. Blinded for 1d6 turns, roll for a mutation
  4. Explodes, reforms in 1d6 hours, roll for a mutation
  5. Transforms into whirlwind of fire for 1d6 turns, roll for a mutation.
  6. Roll for two mutations


  1. You become dull and grey for a full day. Your spell dice are cut in half and you can only cast random orthodox spells.
  2. You become dull and grey for three days. You are reduced to one spell die and may only cast random orthodox spells.
  3. You are permanently bleak and lifeless. You are reduced to one spell die, and may only know a total of three orthodox spells, at random.
These dooms can be avoided by eating fruit of the Hidden Tree, or by casting oneself into the Maelstrom of the Lobster-God.

Saturday, February 24, 2018

Return to the Distant Lands of Diy

Click for full size

Hail Flailsnail!

We return to the Distant Lands of Diy, now significantly bigger. And hand-drawn! As before, I've smashed together as many modules, supplements, adventures and dungeons as I could into a single map. With only a few exceptions, these are all ones I either own, want to own, or are free anyway (free ones will be marked with an *, if anyone seeing this is new in these here parts.)

Cities and Regions

  • Vornheim (Vornheim, Zak S)
  • Krevborna (Krevborna, Jack Shear)
  • Carcosa (Carcosa, Geoffery McKinney)
  • The Immortal Capital (Kidnap the Archpriest, Skerples)
  • Thule (Kidnap the Archpriest, Skerples)
  • Scarabae (multiple posts, Jack Shear)*
  • Karlstadt (Better than Any Man, James Raggi IV)*
  • The Hills (Chromatic Soup vol 2, Evlyn Moreau et. al)*
  • Biting Marshes (Chromatic Soup vol 1, Evlyn Moreau et. al)*
  • Corpathium ("In Corpathium", Logan Knight)*
  • Marlinko (Fever Dreaming Marlinko, Chris Kutalik)
  • Slumbering Ursine Dunes (Slumbering Ursine Dunes, Chris Kutalik)
  • Dunnsmouth (Scenic Dunnsmouth, Zzarchov Kowolski)
  • Caversdale (No Salvation for Witches, Rafael Chandler)
  • The Misty Isle (Misty Isles of the Eld, Chris Kutalik)
  • Elatior (Maze of the Blue Medusa, Zak S.)
  • Leuke (Bad Myrmidon, Rafael Chandler)
  • Isle of the Unknown (Isle of the Unknown, Geoffery McKinney)
  • Hot Springs Island (Hot Springs Island, Jacob Hurst)
  • The Skyfortress (Broodmother Skyfortress, Jeff Rients)
  • The Great Discape (multiple posts, Dan D.)*
  • Quelong (Quelong, Kenneth Hite)
  • Yoon-Suin (Yoon-Suin, David McGrogan)
  • Denethix (Anomalous Subsurface Environment, Patrick Wetmore)
  • The Wicked City (multiple posts, Joseph Manola)*
  • Xor (multiple posts, Konsumterra)*
  • The Shoulders of Giants (On the Shoulders of Giants, Chance Phillips)
  • Perdition (Perdition, Courtney Campbell)
  • QuVrst (Fire on the Velvet Horizon, Scrap Princess and Patrick Stuart)
  • Jukai City (Fire on the Velvet Horizon, Scrap Princess and Patrick Stuart)
  • Hubris (Hubris, Mike Evans)
  • Meatlandia (The Chaos Gods come to Meatlandia, Ahimsa Kerp and Wind Lothimer)
  • Kwantoom (Mad Monks of Kwantoom, Kabuki Kaiser)
  • Gathox (Gathox Vertical Slum, David Lewis Johnson)
  • Lethlygon ("Purple Lightning People", Arnold Kemp)*
  • Strange Stars (Strange Stars, Trey Causey)
  • A Red and Pleasant Land (A Red and Pleasant Land, Zak S.)
  • The World Between (Grotesque and Dungeonesque vol 1-III, Jack Shear)
  • The Veins of the Earth (Veins of the Earth, Scrap Princess and Patrick Stuart)
  • The Ghoul Market (Vacant Ritual Assembly 1, Clint Krause)
  • Goblintown (multiple posts, Arnold Kemp)*

Points of Interest

  1. Blood in the Chocolate (Kiel Chenier)
  2. Sleeping Place of the Feathered Swine (Logan Knight)
  3. Death Frost Doom (Zak S and James Raggi IV)
  4. Deep Carbon Observatory (Scrap Princess and Patrick Stuart)
  5. Palace of the Silver Princess DIY (All and sundry)*
  6. Ruinous Palace of the Metegorgos (Evey Lockhart)
  7. Doom-Cave of the Crystal-Headed Children (James Raggi IV)*
  8. Vile Vengeance of the Bees (Buzzclaw)*
  9. Monolith from Beyond Time and Space (James Raggi IV)
  10. Find-and-Replace Dungeon (Zak S)*
  11. Stygian Garden of Abelia Pem (Clint Krause)
  12. Tower of the Stargazer (James Raggi IV)
  13. Atheneum of Yearning (Oswald)*
  14. Tomb of the Serpent Kings (Skerples)
  15. Halls Untoward (Michael Prescott et al)*
  16. Anomalous Subsurface Environment (Patrick Wetmore)
  17. Comes the Mountain (Gus L)*
  18. Gelatinous Dome (Jeff Call)*
  19. The Inverse Tower (Michael Raston)*
  20. Hounds of Low Tide (Kiel Chenier, Michael Prescott)*
  21. Under the Waterless Sea (Zzarchov Kowolski)

Character Options 

We're not done yet! FLAILSNAILS protocols are in effect and all compatible classes are welcome (see here for a list), and to those I like to add: