Satchel Buck’s Lonely Souls Club

Source unknown

A great red-and-purple striped tent appears outside of town. Paper cranes fly through the streets, perch on the eaves of churches, peck at breadcrumbs in the town squares – unfolded, they are advertisements printed out on overwrought stationary a century and a half out of style, promising “A meanes of Connection betweene single Persons of alle Strypes, forre reasonabul Prices.”

Satchel Buck’s Lonely Souls Club is in town, come on down and see the band.

Satchel Buck is a male human in his 40s – swarthy, portly, and always wearing garishly bright motley (The colors change daily). He will react positively to any sort of interest in the Club and will very enthusiastically explain his business to anyone present – willingness to listen is optional. He’ll sell the benefits of the Club for all its worth. He’ll have to be told twice to let it go.

His wife is named Othan, a bluish-pink creature reminiscent of a gigantic sea slug, with an eight-lobed eye and a mane of feathery antenna. She keeps the books, takes care of the oxen, and maintains the spells that run the club. If she’s out of the wagon (she tends towards long afternoon naps, but is usually up later in the evening), she’ll be willing to converse with party members who seem to be having a good time. If Satchel is present, he’ll provide all sorts of sickeningly sweet anecdotes of how they met and so on

The interior of the Club is a dark, cozy space filled with several dozen round tables, each with two chairs. The outer wall is lined with other doors, each with a number above it, through which other patrons will enter or exit. Satchel will make note that, while it is possible to go through other doors, it may become very difficult to return, and so he does not advise it except as a major life choice. Keep a good hold on your ticket and remember your number.

Patrons of the club are encouraged to move from table to table, listen to the band, and partake in the buffet. A single session in the Club lasts for one hour (long enough for four good introductions) and costs 15 gold, though an extension can always be purchased from Satchel or Othan. Any other questions can be answered by the servers on the floor.

The especially brave can have a wedding right then and there, officiated by an automaton cleric-cabinet. The automaton is frightening and not to be trusted, but comes with interchangeable rites of marriage appropriate to most major religions. It costs 50 gold for a basic marriage package. A lawyer of the Selachii School is on staff for divorce as needed, but he tends to charge an arm and a leg. He will provide a bonesaw free of charge, if you find yourself in need of it.

Behind the Curtain

Satchel is deep in debt and will be found in the wagon with his kneecaps shattered three days after the Club arrives in town. Othan will be missing, Satchel will insist everything is okay (despite his injuries) and the Club will depart the next day.

The next time the party encounters the Club (1d4 major settlements later), Othan will be running the Club and Satchel will be gone. She will remain tight-lipped on the subject, to the point of having the party escorted out of the club if they persist.

Satchel owes money to:

1. Dungbeetle Billy and his Curious Cabal
2. The Lynching Tree, hungry for gold around its roots.
3. The Green Cutter Gang
4. Anessa, his ex-wife.
5. A painting of a crippled man
6. Mammon, duke of Hell.

Try Your Luck and See Where Your Heart Leads You!

Simply tell Satchel who you're looking for and he'll set you right up! You may take the 'Somewhat Adventurous Option" to sub out one of their four meetings with a denizen of table 3. For a little something extra, run these tables alongside the Easy Family Trees,  Don't forget those reaction rolls!

I’m Looking for Men... (d66)

11. Homely turnip farmer

12. Librarian wizard

13. Androzon stage actor

14. Nightmare painter

15. Sports warrior

16. Nightsoil priest of Cloacina

21. Terminally ill Romantic poet

22. An aged golem-sculptor

23. A shell-shocked veteran of the War

24. Necromancer’s gardener

25. Oolian runaway

26. Cartography guildsman

31. Three goblins in an overcoat

32. Unscrupulous industrialist

33. Vulture priest

34. Byronian swordsman

35. Coffee-brewer, enterprising entrepreneur

36. Misshapen gunslinger

41. Pillar-saint of Irem

42. Self-taught plantain mage

43. Jaded haruspex

44. A lonely bureaucrat of Hell

45. Friendly nudist who needs a workout

46. Guardsman for rent

51. Jellybean counter

52. Pearl diver, gave up his noble title

53. Despairing time-slave

54. Skunk-ape-man

55. Sailor of the Midnight Sky

56. Tosher of the Merde Grande

61. One of the thousand emperors of Hispir

62. Hidebound, incompetent honor-warrior

63. Wizarding student expelled for summoning a succubus on campus

64. Eclipse-reader, writing a book of Sun-Lore

65. Bulette-rider postman

66. Silk pirate looking to settle down

I’m Looking for Ladies... (d66)

11. Demonologist and natural philosopher, cheery and determined.

12. Plays the jazz trumpet, is and has a cool cat

13. Amazonian warrior, home from the War

14. Maple dryad in need of a change

15. Emancipated homunculus

16. Professional catfisher, tells whoppers

21. Chiurgeon with an iron stomach

22. Constantly wears boneplate and chitin armor

23. Farmgirl with a sword and a dream

24. Bhedunin priestess released from her family obligations

25. Landsquid hunter, a native of the Outback

26. Up-and-coming witch

31. An Autumn Knight. Peaceful, melancholic.

32. Wandering Color-Maker

33. Crab-rider nun, looking for adventure

34. Another PC’s younger sister

35. The Garbage Queen, down and out

36. Rottweiler cynocephalus, over-affectionate

41. Mermaid in a fishtank golem

42. Shamaness of the Ammonite

43. Gun-Saint of An-Hehm

44. Pyromancer of the Obsidian Islands

45. An anglerwife out for a new husband

46. Elderly book merchant

51. Keeper of demon-bees, seller of hell-honey

52. A Sin-Eater, friendly and forgiving

53. Insufferable magical princess

54. Cryptosaurian infiltrator in a skinsuit.

55. Arch-Penitent: crime unknown, sentence most severe

56. Gonzo investigative reporter with a finely tuned, Detect Bullshit aura

61. Iron-eyed oathbreaker from the North. A woman of few words.

62. Simpleminded noodle chef. Has the magic touch.

63. Stockbroker with no volume control.

64. A foxy lady. Absolute tease, watch the tail.

65. A Black Amazon death-raider, follower of Orca

66. Proxy body of a Solar Sailfin.

I’m (d6)…

1. Looking for ways to mess with my smartass players
2. Looking for very particular options.
3. Not picky at all.
4. A smartass player
5. A horrible deviant with no shame whatsoever

11. A skeleton in a dinner suit, accompanied by three black cats.

12. An indistinct humanoid form frozen in a block of ice, communicates through shimmering letters on the surface.

13. A modestibus. Hopelessly clingy and terribly repressed.

14. A terrible obsidian idol, hungry for blood.

15. MURDER-CUBE, eternal enemy of DEATH-BALL

16. A dice-god, bored and looking for a game.

21. A gigantic, all-devouring and incredibly evil spider attempting and failing to act sexy

22. A Parasaurolophus

23. Amalgamation of a thousand alternate universe versions of a street sweeper

24. DEATH-BALL, eternal enemy of MURDER CUBE

25. A county-sized colonial fungus, wishes to become a real country

26. A large iron hook, hanging from a rope that trails up into infinity. There is a bowl set around it containing a rack of barbecue ribs, with corn cobs, coleslaw, and a bottle of beer. A hand-painted sign reads “FRI FUD 2 HUNGRI PEEPLE.”

31. The Gloaming Beast. Looks fearsome, is actually quite gentle.

32. Astral parasite, wants a new head to live in.

33. Three tons of sapient lasagna

34. A rampallious Fustilarian

35. An enthusiastic mimic who always gets something wrong

36. Great Big CrunchyMunch, King of Breakfast Cereals

41. Owlbear in a schoolgirl outfit

42. A figure in a dark cloak, with oversized, sweaty hands. Quite nervous.

43. Philosophical Zombie (1. Pythagorean 2. Confucian 3. Thomist 4. Marxist)

44. Animated cast-iron gimp suit

45. Man-sized Faberge cocoon, about to hatch

46. Medic-beetle. Enjoys sewing things back together. Maybe a bit too much.

51. Infectiously positive yellow monopod, constantly hopping about

52. A hairy biped with a head like a fiery wagon wheel. Well versed in esoteric meditation.

53. Vat containing a talkative Chili Platonic.

54. Laconic black hole farmer from the end of the universe

55. Curious entity that communicates entirely through tea leaves.

56. The Burning Monolith. Look upon it and despair, mortal.

61. A chalkboard filled with living mathematics

62. Death, who has had a few too many drinks

63. A human head, inside a chicken, inside a turkey, inside a pig, all cooked and piping hot

64. A knobbly orange crab inside a geode that screams obscenities at the sun

65. A very, very, very large kidney stone. Looks vaguely like a moai head.

66. Mundo the Seal. ALL HAIL MUNDO.

"Size Matters" by James Zapata

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