Miniposts: Commedia del Donjoniers, More Lost Media, GLOGtober and more

Another minipost collection.

Commedia del Arte del Donjoniers

The stock characters of traveling commedia plays. (CosmicOrrery told me to do this.)

• The Fighter - The typical lead. Oblivious-to-danger and overly showy do-gooder.
  
• The Thief - Best friend and confidant of the Fighter. Greedy, lustful, and eternally in debt.
  
• The Cleric - A wandering preacher. Holier-than-thou attitude undercut by constant gluttony and lust played for laughs (They never catch the irony).
  
• The Wizard - Pompous, inept, egomaniacal, always tries to solve the problem first (but makes it worse)
  
• The Barbarian - The foreigner, constantly misunderstanding words and customs; framed as comedy relief, is actually the level-headed one (that no one listens to until the end.)
  
• The Elf - The preening noble who only gets involved because they are cast out from their family. Lightens up considerably when drunk,
  
• The Dwarf - A habitual drunk, stubborn and garrulous. Hopelessly in love with the Elf, hates this state of affairs.
  
• The Halfling - The country bumpkin who gets dragged along in the plot and is always trying and failing to escape.
  

More Lost Media

It's a dusty VHS tape. No label. Generic box. Someone wrote on it in permanent marker but the handwriting is indiscernible. 

Put it in the VCR, watch the static band cascade down a black screen before an image appears.

There is a car traveling down an empty stretch of desert highway. The sun has set, but the light has not yet left the sky - a faint wash of pink-orange against sinks into the background, silhouetting wind turbines and wind-sculpted bluffs. The edges are deepening blue. Muted music, piano with a back-beat, pours out of the speakers. The dim green glow of dashboard lights light up the lines of the driver's face. The four other women are all asleep, crowded together among fast food bags, the scattered remnants of a first aid kit and duffels with guns poking out from the zippers. Ammo cartridges are stuffed into cupholders.

Driver's Seat: Black. Deep blue eyes. Red hair, shorn down to fuzz. Arms are sleeved with tattoos of sigil circles.

Passenger's Seat: Enormous. Thick black dreadlocks. Shirtless: chest is covered in bandages, medical tape, gauze pads, smears of antiseptic ointment. Tattoo of a snarling demon face on her stomach.

Rear Driver:  Poofy brown hair. Thin rectangular glasses with bottom-half frames. Chainmail; white tabard with a vertical red stripe. A circular seal written in theban on the left. Mace sits upright in the crook of her arm.

Rear Passenger: Lanky. Long, tangled, dirty blonde hair. Torn jeans. Black t-shirt with circular red symbol (Save point from Silent Hill 3 - ed.) Rubber rottweiler mask in her lap.

Rear Middle: Short. Glasses. Red hijab. Sweatshirt with out of context hentai panels printed on it.

"Hey," the driver says. She's keeping her eyes on the road, but you know she's talking to you. "Little bird told me you needed some help. Glad you reached out. You're not alone out there. I know it doesn't feel like it, and it's hard to believe, but it's true. Just hang in there."

She pauses, and there is only the music and the engine for a moment.

"There's a foreclosed house right next to the lot where the Perkins used to be. The storm cellar is locked but your key will fit. Hang tight in there until someone comes to get you. Help yourself to whatever is in the pantry. Don't open up for anyone unless they call you by your middle name, especially if they say that they know us. We'll try to meet up with you soon as we can."

The camera shifts back to outside the car, stationary this time, and its tail-lights and song fade off into the distance as the screen dissolves into static.

*

Sumerian narrative following the plot beats of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, now featuring the copper merchant Ea-Nasir who is visited by the mušḫuššu, the lamassu, and finally the demon Asag, who attempt to encourage the merchant to give up his wicked and avaricious ways, and so avoid terrible punishment by the gods both in life and in the underworld. In noted divergence from the source text, Ea-Nasir learns absolutely nothing about the meaning of Christmas, kicks the spirits out of his house, and ends the narrative by revealing his collected hoard of complaint tablets from dissatisfied customers.

*

US War Crime Trials Tapes 134-146 - 12 corroded VHS tapes containing footage of war crimes trails held against members of the George H.W. Bush and Obama administrations at The Hague, as well as multiple members of United States congress in office between 2002-2011. Tape 146 cuts off just as former vice president Dick Cheney is taking the stand, which likely explains why the tape was labeled as "fucking blueballs".

 

GLOGtober Prompts

Later than they were before because I accidentally deleted the draft.

Hell + Artifact

Hell is a state of being trapped inside one's head. The senses cannot extend past the skull, and the imprisoned is beset by constant fears and phantasms drawn up from the subconscious. Hell-bound are considered a variety of zoanthrope - the body acts according to its animal instincts, severed from the rational mind.

Spirits bound in hellstates can be A) freed, providing (horrifically traumatized) ghosts B) interrogated C) used to focus magic or D) used to run simulations. Three of these four are absolutely monstrous.

Swirling Rainbow Vortice + Quirky Magic Item

A washing machine whose depthless drum is a resplendent maelstrom of color. Clothing placed within will by dyed and granted a magical effect (ordinary clothing only, one piece per user)

• Red - Observers believe you to be covered in blood.
  
• Orange  - You smell very, very strongly of citrus.
  
• Yellow - You give off a very soft light.
  
• Green - You track dirt everywhere, moss grows on you, you can speak with plants.
  
• Blue - You can breathe in water, but lose all ability to swim or float.
  
• Indigo  - You gain nightvision, but also "horrible-ghost-vision".
  
• Violet - Observers believe you are royalty, for good and for ill.
  

Goblins + Table

Primary Goblotype

1. Raccoon
2. Possum
3. Sphinx cat
4. Weird bat
5. Felt puppet
   
6. Lemur
   

Detail A

1. Gangly
2. Portly
3. Pimply
4. Bitey
5. Spiky
6. Filthy
   

Detail B

1. Striped
2. Furred
3. Spotted
4. Scaled
5. Scabbed
6. Knobbled
   

Goblogang

1. Bog Tribe
2. Crypt Tribe
3. Victorian Urchin Tribe
4. Market Tribe
5. Volcano Tribe
6. Food Truck Tribe
   

Regarding Dwarves

(I wrote this for a friend some years ago, found it in my drafts)

Dwarves are born of the earth, of the Molten Womb deep below the mountains. Their bones are of stone, their hearts of magma. They are older than gods, older than beasts, older than the first proteins to emerge from the acidic muck, as old as the cooling crust of the world itself.

The typical dwarf operates on geological time-scales. The simple act of greeting one another might take millennia. This makes it exceptionally difficult for a dwarf and anyone of any other species to have any sort of meaningful contact, barring magical interference. Those dwarfs that do interact with other races on a regular basis are, by necessity, “sped up” - at lower temperatures, their silicon-crystal nervous systems conduct electricity more efficiently. At magical temperatures approaching absolute zero, they can live at speeds roughly equivalent to human beings.

The source of these enchantments is fuzzy. Some blame gods, some blame wizards with nothing better to do, some say it is an offshoot of the dwarves themselves.

Dwarves do not die. They erode. Wind and water and time do their toil, but the stuff of their bodies remains and might be reshaped. The dwarvish sense of self reflects this – what it is now is their what it was before, or what it will be.

A Note on Appearance

Dwarves as they are generally known are stocky humanoids between 3 and 5 feet tall, on average. They are neither male nor female, and appear to be roughly carved from their parent rock. Their featureless heads are wreathed in halos of frozen crystal – mostly water, but close to the surface it is a latticed film of metalicized oxygen and nitrogen.

But this is only a minority population of dwarves – the majority are often quite larger, are rarely humanoid, and are often confused for nearby buttes.

A Note on Etymology

“Dwarf” is a clumsy and ill fitting term for these beings, being a Westron misconstruction of the Ghaztlani “Dorof” (“one who lives inside a mountain”), but as they have no name for themselves, it shall be used.

Three Varieties of Dwarves

Igneous dwarves are young and still cooling. Their insides are a molten mass, their shells are rough and ragged. By dwarf standards, they are quick and volatile. Eventually, their hearts will cool, and after a few more millennia they will fall asleep.

Sedimentary dwarves are formed at incredible pressures under the ocean, from the ground-down bodies of igneous dwarves. These are the common mountain dwarves (as they have emerged from the mountains that used to be sea floors). Sedimentary dwarves are ancient and fastidious, and set dwarf standards.

Metamorphic dwarves were once dwarves of other varieties, but changed under immense heat and pressure. They are the rarest of dwarves, and each is unique, often forged for a specific purpose. In time they might be ground down to sedimentary form again, when their glory has passed.

Trolls

(TheLawfulNeutral was behind this one)

Metastatic Scions of the Red Law

• Pointed, sharklike head
• Large, drooping ears
• Teeth are jagged, uneven, and ill-fitting.
• Leprous skin - boils, legions, warts, teratomas. Burt to crispy leather by the sun.
• Hair black and stringy, patches and clumps
• Cartilaginous skeleton, can squeeze through anything bigger than their eyeballs if given time.
• Can regenerate basically any damage. Old ones will have odd sets of limbs and sense organs
• Incredibly dense
• Infected individuals will develop troll-cancer.
• Lucky ones can catch it early through treatment and kill it
• Somewhat lucky ones can have it removed
• The rest are consumed by it. The cancer will kill them long before the troll's "gestation" is complete - incineration is recommended. 
• Do not let it spread.

 

Class: Theotokos

Ninebreaker

This is a gimmick class, a mash-up of Monsieur's Witch and Lexi's Cleric. It is above anything else an excuse to use this image, which I am quite fond of.

Class: Theotokos

Somehow or another, you ended up carrying a god's child. It might be your profession, your fate, your choice, or your bad luck, but it's where you ended up.

Uses HD as wizards, in games where this matters. No armor or weaponry skills at all.

Miraculous Magic

A theotokos gains access to the miracles of their deific partner and may only cast them when in service to one of that deity's commands, as per the cleric class linked above. They do get access to increasing spell dice as per the witch (lvl+1 d4, lvl d6, or lvl-1d8), through one of the two options applies.

1) The die size increases with level. As GLOG spell dice cap at four, this is a convenient way of marking off trimesters, with the birth of the god-child occurring at level 4.

• Level 1: 2d4
• Level 2: 2d6
• Level 3: 2d8
• Level 4: 3d8

2) Your spell die size is determined by the manner of the whole deal. The child may already be born with this option, at the player's discretion.

• d4 - Your child is particularly blessed by your deity, but otherwise mundane.
• d6 - Your child was conceived in the typical fashion with a human partner, but contains the spark of divinity within them.
• d8 - Your child was conceived purely by the god's power. A physical act may or may not have occurred. The child is a full demigod.

Followers

A theotokos may have up to their level in followers. At any given time, only one of them may have class levels.

The follower gained at first level will likely be a spouse, partner, close friend, attendant, or protector.

Gods 

A small selection of potential god-parents includes:

1. Auson, god of undeath and the wilds - Death is a thing born in cities. In the wilderness beyond those shimmering white-gold walls, the world lives and lives and lives forever and ever amen carcinogen.
2. Oublor, god of storm and elemental ooze -They are the watery greenish eye in the center of the viscous hurricane that never ends, that tamps down the waves with slime and makes sludgy wastes of the land.
3. Edu Tatanu, god of authority and nobility - Fuck this guy. Narcissistic autocratic sister-fucking wig-wearing war-starting eugenics-loving boot-licking orphan-kicking puppy-eating peasant-impaling Malthusian prick. Eat shit and die, Edu.
4. Ai-Thoth, god of knowledge and love - Rarely emerges from their hidden library, but is a tender and temperate lover in those brief moments.
5. Mammonatum, god of creation, forge, and greed - The creator of the world demands repayment from all life that came forth from their work. Interest is charged.
6. Riksennic, god of blood and vengeance - When violence is committed, violence meets it. Despite this, they are a mild god and detest the cycles they represent and perpetuate.
7. SALTY JOHN, god of elemental surprise and the crab - Wait, who's that? It can't be...it is! Holy shit! It's SALTY JOHN! Hell yeah! Salty John!
8. Mnysillias, god of the harvest and the spider - When the leaves turn orange, leave an offering in the attic. Fine silks will be granted to the devout.
9. Redmane, god of blood, battle and the lion - A roar tears across the battlefront, the god stirs in the hearts of men and is brought forth beneath the banners.
10. Sev Likon, god of trickery and undeath - Forever dancing out of the reaper's hand.

Class: Book Club Witches

Lin Jin

Monsieur came up with a template for GLOG witches, thought I'd give it a spin.

The Book Club

The story of Book Club goes something like this:

In the late 18th or early 19th Dynasties of Egypt's Middle Kingdom (That is, in the time between Akhenaten and Ramses the Great), there emerged a certain mystery religion devoted to Thoth and his consort Ma'at. The women of that order devoted themselves to unveiling the secret mystic and scientific knowledge of the universe. They sought to use it as a tool against isfet, the crawling chaos at work beneath and behind the world.

It was too late to turn back when the priests finally realized the scope of that undertaking. Isfet nibbled away at the pillars of the earth, it seeped through the foundation walls of the universe, it wore a thousand thousand masks and brought ruin in its wake wherever it was made manifest. It couldn't be stopped, only turned away for a time. They pressed on regardless.

The order endured up until Julius Caesar got his book-burning on and the cult was scattered to the winds and shadows. Practitioners would gather in twos and threes all the way from Londinium to Samarkand, keeping the art alive.

Cut to today: the ancient priesthood has transformed into a loose confederacy of paranormal investigators, fronted primarily by the academic sorority Theta Omega Theta. The religious practices and secrecy are mostly gone now, but the magic is still there.

The modern Book Club serves as a point of contact and intermediary with the preternatural world - government's not much help, and there's only so much the neighbors can do. They'll deal with most things, crawling chaos or no.

When there's something that can't be explained and discretion is advised, call a friend in Book Club. Paperback trades go without saying.

Bookworm

The boots on the ground, called together and sent out when and where they're needed. A lone Bookworm means a pretty unexciting investigation is afoot, or it's just typical inter-species disputes that need settled, or some other known-unknown. For anything dangerous or truly uncertain, they will move in covens.

Perk: You're familiar with the language and culture of one of the mythos peoples. You gain a +1 to reaction rolls with them, and have a 3-in-6 chance to answer difficult questions about them.

1. Deep Ones
2. Ghouls
3. Tcho-Tcho
4. K'n-Yani 
5. Sand Dwellers
6. Cats

Signs:

• You can ping the presence (general distance and direction) of your coven-mates.
• Can memorize a single page of text; new input overwrites old.
  

Librarian

The heart of Book Club. They call together meetings, gather covens of Bookworms, train new members, wrangle the Ibises, and maintain the network of connections and contacts. Most Librarians have settled down after colorful careers as Bookworms, though they'll go back out into the field if things get heated.

Perk: You have a network of contacts to pull on for aid and information. Roll 2d6: on a 10+ they're able to help you out no problem. On 7-9, there is some sort of cost involved (information is spotty, you owe them a favor in return, etc). On 1-6, no one can help you. You may use this ability [Template] times per session.
Drawback: 25% of income goes towards maintaining the Club.

Signs:

• You can send a secret message to the home of anyone you have shared a meal with. Messages must be less than 20 words and will vanish after being read, of if read by the wrong person.
• You have a familiar (cat, dog, crow, rat-thing) and can assign it simple tasks.

Ibis

You've been in the Club for far too long. It's all you've got left. You've torched your outside relationships and most of your social standing. People rightfully call you crazy, but crazy has kept you alive. You spite the crawling chaos just by existing.

Drawback: You've gone batshit. You have developed an obsessive phobia or a mania from your interactions with the Mythos. It has served you well and kept you alive, but its hold on your life has become absolute.

Signs:

• You can create a hideous droning piping noise at will.
• You can remove an eye and roll it around like a marble. It still works.
  

Works  

Dream-Key
R: Touch T: Person D: [dice] hours.
Sends a willing target (caster can target self) into a deep sleep. This lasts for [dice] hours in the waking world, and [sum] x2 hours of dream-time.If cast as a coven, the casters may pool or split their WD among as many targets as desired.
Craft: "Silver Key" potion.

Contact
R: 100 miles / Varies T: Magical being D: Until dispelled.
Caster makes contact with a magical / extraterrestrial / extrauniversal being. If used in the Dreamlands, there is no range limit. If [sum] > 10, non-magically-sensitive individuals may be contacted. For entities existent outside normal space, the spell must be cast at a location of some power or significant to that entity.
Craft: A small engraved or painted icon of the target.

Sign of Thoth
R: N/A T: Entryway D: Until dispelled.
By inscribing the sign of Thoth (Θώθ), the caster may invest [dice] to bar the way of any supernatural being of [sum] HD or less.  Invested dice do not return until the spell is dispelled.
Craft: Drawn upon the doorframe in chalk.


Reveal Invisible
R: 20' T: Area D: 1 hour
Any entities, pigments, or objects that are normally invisible to the human eye are revealed. If 4+ [dice] are invested, the effect is permanent.
Craft: A bag of fine, silvery dust.

Warp Spasm
R: 15' T: Being D: Instant
Target must make a save vs magic or be wracked with powerful seizures for [dice] turns. If [sum] > 12, they will gain a permanent mutation.
Craft: Wishbone charms, ready to be snapped.


Memory Fog
R: Touch T: Being D: Permanent
Target's memories of the last [dice] hours are muddled. They will not be able to recall faces, names, exact conversations, and all but the most obvious details. If [sum] > 25, this spell can effectively blank-slate an individual.
Craft: Tattoo of an eye with an X pupil on the palm.


Burning Cloud
R: 20' T: Area D: [sum] turns
Does [dice] damage / turn to all beings within the cloud.
Craft: A rough red-gold powder, warm to the touch.


Hypergeometry
R: Touch T: Self  D: Instant
Caster jumps into hyperspace and can move through walls, doors, objects, individuals etc, without detection, for [sum] x 5'.
Craft: Effigy of the caster, twisted out of shape.

Bookworm Emblem Work - Friends in Low Places

R: N/A T: Being D: Session
The Bookworm may summon aid from the mythos people she has familiarity with. Barring any usual circumstances (finding oneself in another plane, for example), help will arrive in d6 hours and will remain until the end of the job, the session, or it becomes too dangerous. Caster gets only one free use of this spell: a further favor must be fulfilled before it can be cast again

Librarian Emblem Work - Shielded from their Eyes

R: Touch T: Object D: [sum] hours
The target object (and anything inside it) is shielded from preternatural detection and the attentions of the Old Ones or Crawling Chaos for as long as the spell is active. If this spell is cast with 10+ [dice] during the Witching Hour, the effect will last for a full year and can be extended to the size of a house.

Ibis Emblem Work - Artifact Destruction

R: 5' T: Magical Object or Being D: Instant
This spell will only work if all Work Dice are burnt. The targeted item or possessed individual is immediately and completely consumed in fire and will be destroyed instantly with no save. This spell only affects material targets; the enchantment has a blowback chance as it dissipates (save vs. magic).

Wyrd Transports 

1. Shantak - Horse-headed, bat-winged, elephant sized. Smells of salt and slime.
2. Possessed Bicycle - Will never conspire to throw you off.
3. Bookmobile - Shelves full of well-thumbed paperbacks and extra ammo.
4. Nightgaunt - The tickling isn't that bad, you get used to it after a while.
5. Solar Barge - More of a canoe, really. Shiny and gold.
6. Gigantic Cat - A tabby the size of a tiger.

You Have Captured the Attention Of...

1. The Haunter in the Dark
2. The Bloody Tongue
3. The Faceless Pharaoh 
4. The Bloated Woman
5. The Crooked Man
6. The Thousand Eyes

To Shake the Attention of Chaos...

1. Pound of flesh - sacrifice 1d6 HP.
2. Lay low, lay low - You may not cast at above 1 WD for the rest of the day.
3. Fast and meditate - regain no HP or spells tonight.
4. Snuff the candle - burn off all WD used for this spell.
5. Show of Strength - all spells require an additional WD to cast.
6. Keep your cool - WD spent today are rolled with disadvantage.

Losing Your Grip

1. The magnitude of what you're attempting to do hits you like a lead brick. The spell fizzles out, and the strain of blooming existential crisis prevents you from casting again for d7 days.
2. Isfet strikes back at you. Roll d6 to select a horrible wound table, then roll d6 for the wound.
3. A horrible wound as above, but this time it heals wrong; you bear a cursed branding mark of isfet. Dogs and cats hate you. Humans know something is very wrong with you at a moment.
4. There's nothing left to be done, and there's nowhere else to go. You've reached fail-state. You have two options: taking your life, or throwing yourself into the embrace of isfet as its servant.

Tyler Crook

Callsigns and Operations

Callsign	Operation
1) Tanith Lee	"Dark Dance"
2) Margaret St. Clair	"Sign of the Labrys"
3) Shirley Jackson	"Haunting of Hill House"
4) Gertrude Barrows Bennet	"The Heads of Cerberus"
5) Mary Shelley	"The Last Man"
6) Charlotte Perkins Gilman	"Yellow Wallpaper"
7) K.J. Bishop	"The Etched City"
8) V.H. Leslie	"Bodies of Water"
9) Anne VanderMeer	"The Big Book of Science Fiction"
10) Priya Sharma	"All the Fabulous Beasts"
11) Farah Rose Smith	"Eviscerator"
12) Autumn Christian	"A Gentle Hell"
13) Betty Rocksteady	"Like Jagged Teeth"
14) Tiffany Scandal	"Shit Luck"
15) Leza Cantoral	"Cartoons in the Suicide Forest"
16) Gwendolyn Kiste	"Hardened Hearts"
17) Elizabeth Hand	"Prince of Flowers"
18) Margret Cavendish	"The Blazing World"
19) Molly Tanzer	"Creatures of Will and Temperament"
20) Silvia Moreno-Garcia	"Love and Other Poisons"

Class: Allomancer

I've got a friend who's a big Sanderson fan, who asks every so often about running the Mistborn Adventure Game. The odds of that are low, so I did this instead.

Evan Montiero

Class: Allomancer

HP, XP, to-hit: as cleric.
Saves: as specialist.
Restrictions: Cannot wear heavier than leather.
Starting Equipment: Obsidian dagger (1d6, shatters on a 1 causing bleed effect), mistcloak ( +1 AC)

A: Allomancy, 2 metals
B: Into the Mists, +2 metals 
C: Emergency Shot, +2 metals 
D: Burner Pellets, +2 metals

Allomancy
Allomancy works like standard GLOG magic. Spell dice are burned on a 6. An allomancer can hold charges up to their number of templates (maximum 4).

Allomancers do not regain charges daily. Instead, they need to put more metal into their system: a shot of whiskey with a smattering of metal flakes provides 1 spell die. It costs 100 silver and can only be acquired in cities.

Into the Mists
The allomancer can disengage without penalty on a successful DEX roll in low visibility situations (darkness, fog, heavy rain, heavy snow, etc.)

Emergency Shot 
The allomancer can create a charge on their own, using whatever metal and alcohol is on hand. This charge will burn out on a 3-6 (a different colored die is recommended). This takes one hour to prepare.

Burner Pellets
Experienced allomancers can use pellets of aluminum alloy to augment their magic.

A burner pellet will cause an allomancer to burn all of their stored charges at maximum [sum] on their next cast. No Doom is invoked. A burner pellet costs 500 silver, and may only be acquired from specialist sources.

Spell List:

Tin (Senses)
R: Self T: Self D: [sum] x 5 minutes
Gain +[dice] to all checks involving sight, smell, or hearing. You cannot be surprised while this is in effect.

Pewter (Body)
R: Self T: Self D: [sum] x 5 minutes
Gain +[dice] to all checks involving physical strength, max inventory, and damage.

Iron (Pull)
R: 5' x [sum] T: Metal object D: Instant
Pull a metal object towards you. If the object is heavier than you, you are pulled towards it.

Steel (Push)
R: 5' x [sum] T: Metal object D: Instant
Push a metal object away from you. If object is larger, you are pushed away. A coin thrown with this spell does [sum]+[dice] damage.

Copper (Hide)
R: 15' T: Area D: [sum] x 5 minutes
Creates a field centered on the caster. Those within cannot be detected by magical means, and gain + [dice] to saves against mental manipulation.

Bronze (Detect)
R: 100' T: Area D: [sum] x 5 minutes
When active, you detect any magic users within range.

Zinc (Riot)
R:100' T: Individual or crowd D: [sum] x 5 minutes
Enflames a specific emotion of the target's. Attempts to reason contrary to this emotion are made at -[dice].

Brass (Soothe)
R:100' T: Individual or crowd D: [sum] x 5 minutes
Dims a specific emotion of the target's. Attempts to reason with the target are made at +[dice].

Mishaps

1. Take 1d6 damage; it feels like a hole is being burned through your stomach.
2. Splitting headache robs you of the ability to focus for 1d6 minutes.
3. Whatever was being cast backfires upon you.
4. Your tongue becomes heavy and useless with a coating of verdegris. Cannot speak for 1d6 hours.
5. Spew out molten vomit. Lose turn, do 1d8 damage self and adjacent being.
6. Exhale a cloud of sooty smoke, obscuring your form and smelling awful.

Dooms

1. Signs of heavy metal poisoning take hold. All mental attributes reduced by 1.
2. Poisoning progresses. Mental attributes further reduced by 2, physical activities taken at -2 penalty.
3. Mental attributes reduced by a further 3 points. Physical activities taken at -3.

These dooms may be avoided by performing the Rite of Temperance in the Temple of the Smelter King, or by turning oneself over to the Inquisition for purification.

Class: Bard

Bruno Cesar

University wizards love going on about the music of the spheres. Endless papers written about the eternal harmony of celestial bodies, vibrations of the astral plane, the choir invisible, blah blah blah.

Needless to say, that's not really how it all works.

School: Bard

Perk: You can earn [reaction roll] silver pieces through busking per day while in town.

Drawback: You make a lot of noise and your hands are generally occupied with an instrument.

Cantrips

1: You may make a piercing whistle, and may choose to make it inaudible to humans.

2: You may infect someone with an ear-worm of up to 30 seconds in length, lasting for 1d8 hours and recurring 1d6 hours later on a failed save.

3: You may transmit basic messages and commands through your instrument.

Spell List:

Bardic uses a few unique mechanics:

• All spells have the same range, being that of hearing distance.
• Spell dice, while rolled and burnt as normal, do no directly empower spells: instead, each spell die invoked represents an active effect for the current song.
• Active effects cannot be doubled.
• Spells will cease to have effect when the caster is interrupted (damaged, pushed over, silenced, etc)

Song of Healing
Allies gain 1d6 HP.

Song of Resistance
Allies gain +1 to saves.

Song of Scaresome Might
Enemies take -1 to morale.

Song of Battle 
Allies gain +1 to hit.

Song of Inspiration
Enemies take -1 to hit.

Song of Courage
Allies gain resistance to fear.

Song of Spells
Enemies must pass save vs magic to cast a successful spell.

Song of Luck
Allies will make a successful critical strike on 19-20.

Song of the Fleetfoot
Allies may move an additional space on their turn.

Song of Discord
Enemies must save vs magic or be deafened.

Song of Softness
Enemies deal -1 damage

Song of Striking
Allies gain + 1 damage.

theCHAMBA

 

I Would Like a More Different, More Traditional Spell List:

Put your favorite playlist on shuffle and keep going until you get twelve song titles you like. Make those into spells. If you are lazy, supplement from the list below:

1. Synchronicity II
2. Blind Guardian
3. Till My Head Falls Off
4. Busted and Blue
5. Leave My Body
6. The Drugs
7. Bloody Stream
8. Garage Palace
9. Last Living Souls
10. If We Were Vampires
11. The Opened Way
12. The Invading Tyrant
13. Champagne Supernova
14. Reaper Man
15. 666 Kill Chop Deluxe
16. Dragons in the Mud
17. Snake Soul
18. First In Last Out
19. Hymn to Nikkal No. 6
20. Blood and Thunder
    

Instruments

1. Guitar
2. Banjo
3. Fiddle
4. Bouzouki 
5. Sitar
6. Drum
7. Hurdy-gurdy
8. Pan pipes
9. Bagpipes
10. Bamboo flute
11. Harmonica
12. Tin whistle
13. Ocarina
14. Lyre
15. Polyphonic chant
16. Accordion
17. Bells
18. Upright bass
19. Brass horn
20. Spoons

Mishaps

1. The song is lost, spend 1d6 turns getting it going again.
2. Song ends abruptly, all dice invoked burn out.
3. All allies deafened for 1d6 turns.
4. Current song is reduced to 1 random effect.
5. Take 1d6 damage.
6. Spell dice return only on 1-2 for 24 hours.

Dooms

1. The muse has left, your music is mundane and mediocre for 24 hours.
2. As above, for 3 days.
3. Your music has left you forever.

This doom can be avoided by putting on your blue suede shoes and touching down in the land of the delta blues, in the middle of the pouring rain. Alternatively, bet your soul against a devil's golden fiddle and win.

Class: Magelander

krzyma

Magic bursts forth from the earth here, raw and vibrant. The grass is greener, the sky is bluer, the air is fresher. There are no wizards here - why would you need to study magic if there is mana in every breath, every meal, every cell, heavy and sweet as honey? You are free - from academic rigor, from social obligation, from human bindings. Free as the magic in and above the earth. The fools packed behind the grey walls of Mund, what do they know? Nothing of life, for certain.

School: Magelander

Perk: Impressive hat or hood that obscures the face. Bright red / blue / gold robes that cannot be dirtied.

Drawback: Start with 1 mutation.

Cantrips:

1: You may conceal your mutations beneath your robes, and make dramatic reveals of them.

2: Can throw voice within 20' or speak with a polyphonic voice.

3: Colors within 5' may be changed or brightened at will.

Spell List:

There is no set spell list for magelanders. Instead, whenever you learn a new spell or spells, roll for  magic words from the list or lists of your choice and choose two words for each spell. Assemble them as you wish. 

Secret Shark
R: Touch T: Door or container D: [sum] rounds
When the target is opened, the spell summons an adult great white shark of 3+[dice] HD, that will thrash around and attempt to bite (1d8 damage) all nearby beings until it dies in [sum] rounds.

Confuse Corpse
R: 20' T: Undead creature of [dice] HD x2 or less D: 10 minutes
The target becomes immensely confused, as if aware for the first time of its state. This is characterized by the creature starring at its hands, staring out into space, staring up into the heavens, and silently mouthing simple phrases of existential questioning. It will pay no attention to any creatures during the duration of this spell.

Heart Light
R: Touch T: Recently removed heart  D: [sum] hours
The heart gives off light equivalent to a standard oil lamp. It will float steadily within 5' of the caster, and gives off a calm, appropriate beat. Additional effects can occur depending on [sum].

• If the heart is lit for more than 6 hours, it will begin to whisper secrets about the party. There is a 1/3 chance these are lies.
• If the heart is lit for more than 10 hours, random encounters will be triggered on 1-2.
• If the heart is lit for more than 14 hours, all corpses within its light have a 50% chance of re-animation
• If the heart is lit for more than 18 hours, it will gain one charge of fire spray (15' cone, 3d6 damage)

Animating Laugh
R: 30' T: Creatures in range D: 1 minute
Caster lets out a hearty laugh that imbues those that hear it with vigor and energy. [sum] points are split among those who listen to add to their rolls: points that go unused by the end of the time limit are not saved. 

Hold Tongue
R: 30' T: Creature D: [sum] turns
The target is muted. If 4 [dice] are invoked, the caster may pull the target's tongue out and do with it what they will before it is returned to the target's mouth.

Detect Storm
R: 20 miles T: Area D: 0
Caster is capable of determining any inclement weather developing within the scanning area. If 2 or more [dice] are invoked, the severity and length will be accurately determined.

Fear Deer
R: 40' line T: Area D: 0
Summons a spectral deer of nightmarish appearance. All beings who gaze upon it must make a save vs. fear at -[dice]. The blind, and those who know to cover their eyes, will not be affected. 

Steel Wall
R: 5' T: Ground D: 0
Creates a steel wall [dice]x2 ft in length and up to 10' in height. The wall has 30 HP and can be broken through with bludgeoning or fire damage.

Machine Gate
R: Touch T: Surface D: 5 minutes
Opens up a doorway into the Inner Sanctum of Click-Cog

Reveal Thought
R: 20' T: Creature D: 0
Reveals the thoughts of the target, which float in the air as glowing glyphs. [dice] number of thoughts can be transcribed, with a total of [sum] words split among all of them.

Tiger Cabal
R: N/A T: N/A D: 0
Summons three representatives of the Hidden Council of Stripes, sitting at table and partaking of their conference meal. The caster may ask favors of them, including but not limited to:

• Deal [sum]+[dice] damage, as magic missile
• [dice] pieces of pertinent information.
• Change the weather for [sum] hours.
  
• Providing [dice] x2 rations worth of raw meat.
• Revealing secret doors
  

Casting this spell requires the sacrifice of [sum] / 2 HP. It it is cast more than once per day, it will instead summon an angry tiger.

Morph Bones
R: Touch T: Bone D: 0
The caster may shape [dice] bones into any simple shape of equivalent mass.Weapons, armor, and tools can be crafted, given sufficient material.

Yonghui Jia

Mishaps

1. Take 1d6 damage, roll for a mutation.
2. Deafened for 1d6 turns, roll for a mutation
3. Blinded for 1d6 turns, roll for a mutation
4. Explodes, reforms in 1d6 hours, roll for a mutation
5. Transforms into whirlwind of fire for 1d6 turns, roll for a mutation.
6. Roll for two mutations
   

Dooms

1. You become dull and grey for a full day. Your spell dice are cut in half and you can only cast random orthodox spells.
2. You become dull and grey for three days. You are reduced to one spell die and may only cast random orthodox spells.
3. You are permanently bleak and lifeless. You are reduced to one spell die, and may only know a total of three orthodox spells, at random.
   

These dooms can be avoided by eating fruit of the Hidden Tree, or by casting oneself into the Maelstrom of the Lobster-God.

Class: Thaumonaut

Delta V equals effective exhaust velocity times the natural logarithm of the initial total mass including propellant divided by the initial total mass without propellant.

This is the rocket equation of Tsiolkovsky. It dictates entry and egress between the world and the spaces beyond. Its rule is law, save one exception.

That exception is the law of magic, and it reads as follows:

"Fuck you, I'm a wizard."

(These guys are very much a variant of Arnold K's orthodox wizards, (and Skerples' take on the same so a lot of the spells will be barely modified or copied wholesale from one of those guys.)

Dustin Harbin

School: Thaumonaut

Perk: You have a space suit. It counts as leather armor and can hold an atmosphere until it takes damage.

Drawback: Your time in space has left you physically weakened. -4 to saves vs physical effects.


Cantrips:

1: You can determine the time, date, and your location by viewing the heavenly bodies.

2: You can create a small burst of air in order to orient and propel yourself in 0-G environments.

3: You are a pseudo-universal translator, and can understand the general intent of any sapient being's language.

Spell List:

Hamal's Holographic Image
R: 100'  T: Point  D: 10 seconds x [dice]
The caster creates a holographic doppelganger of themselves at the desired location. It may take a single pre-programmed action, but cannot make sound. Every additional [dice] invoked allows another action to be programmed into the hologram.

Aldebaran's Feather Fall
R: 10'  T: Object or creature  D: 0
The target drifts gently to the ground, taking no damage. In 0-gravity environments, the caster may determine which direction is down.

Pollux's Frozen Sleep
R: 50  T: Creature  D: 10 minutes
Target falls into cryogenic hibernation, and can't be awoken without spend a standard action. They are uncomfortably cold to the touch. Non-alert, unaware targets are not allowed a save. Well-insulated targets make their save with advantage. Can affect creatures up to [sum] HD. If [sum] is at least 4 times the creature's HD, the duration becomes permanent (until slapped) and the creature no longer needs to eat or drink while sleeping.

Al Tarf's Magic Missile
R: 200'  T: Creature  D: 0
Deals [sum] + [dice] damage, no save.  As appropriate to the school, this spell produces a black bolt speckled with starlight pinpricks in all colors of the main sequence.

Regulus' Face of the Stranger
R: Touch  T: Person  D:[sum] hours
Transforms the target's face to resemble that of a stranger from the stars: small mouth, flat nose, grey skin, massive black eyes, and no hair. The target's voice will become soft and nasal. If the spell is used on multiple targets, all will look and sound identical. If 4 [dice] are invested, this will become permanent. 

Spica's Light
R: Touch T: Object or creature D: [dice] x 2 hours
Object illuminates as a torch, with a radius of 20’+[dice]x10’. Alternatively, you can make an Attack roll against a sighted creature. If you succeed, the creature is blinded for [sum] rounds. If [sum] is greater than 12, the creature is permanently blinded. If you invest 4 [dice] or more this light has all the qualities of natural sunlight. You may select the color of the light.

M: Dim red
K: Cool orange
G: Bright yellow
F: Pale yellow-white
A: Sterile white
B: Luminous blue
O: Burning blue (acts as blacklight)

Zubeneschamali's Blue Marbles
R: Touch  T: n/a  D: 0
Creates [sum] blue marbles. When crushed, a marble will create 1 gallon of salt water filled with alien plant and animal life. When frozen, it may be used as a slingstone that deals freezing damage. When boiled, it will balloon to 1 foot in diameter and become light and bouncy. When planted in soil, it will bloom into a large, brightly-colored alien flower. When eaten, it will grant advantage against mental influence for [dice] hours.

Antares' Field of Force
R: 10' T: plane or sphere D: concentration
Creates a shimmering force field, 10‘x10’, centered up to 10' away. Alternatively, create a sphere centered on the caster 5' in diameter (large enough for the caster and +1 person). The force field has [sum] HP. All attacks against it hit.

Kaus Australis' Cerebral Satellite
R: Self  T: Self  D: [sum] hours
Creates a small metallic device that will orbit the caster's head. It is capable of making audio and visual recordings and playing them back to the user. It gives off a steady blinking light and soft beeping noise.

Deneb Algedi's Dyson Sphere
R: 10'  T: Light source  D: [sum] x 2 minutes OR [dice] x 2 hours
The target is shrouded by a dark cloud of particulate, giving off no light. Upon the spell's ending, the light will shine as normal, with no loss of burn time (ex: A torch with half an hour remaining will still provide a half hour of light after the spell is completed)

Sadalsuud's Supernova
R: 200'  T: 20' diameter  D: 0
Does [sum] damage to all objects and creatures within range. Additional traits are dependent upon the stellar classification of the attack.

M: Extinguishes all other light sources present.
K: Leaves personal possessions of the target(s) intact.
G: Plants within 100' of blast radius grow exponentially.
F: Superheats all metal within 100' of blast radius.
A: All within 100' must save vs being knocked prone by shockwave.
B: All within viewing distance must make save or be blind for 1d8 turns.
O: All within viewing distance must save vs. mutation.

Terraforming of Eta Piscum 
R: 10' hour  T: Surrounding environment  D: Concentration
The caster can replace the local environment with an alien one. If 3 or more [dice] are invested, the area will be safe from cross-contamination (otherwise, a cumulative 5% chance per day of catastrophic ecological failure). For quick examples, roll on this table.

Mobius-9

Mishaps

1. Gain crippling fear of open spaces for 1d6 minutes.
2. Gaze upon an empty void for 1d6 turns.
3. Take 1d6 damage from a micrometeorite impact.
4. Deafened by interstellar radio waves for 1d6 turns.
5. Temporally misplaced, will re-appear at a random location within 100' in 2d6 turns.
6. All speech replaced with incomprehensible alien sounds for 1d6 hours.
   

Dooms

1. You are struck with an episode of space madness for 24 hours. This will entail crushing feelings of isolation, being watched by vast and terrible powers, and infinitesimal smallness.
2. The space madness now lasts three days.
3. You have gazed upon the Shape of Creation. The space madness is now permanent.
   

These dooms can be avoided by living underground for the rest of your natural life, or by reaching the center of the galaxy.

A Note on Actually Getting Into Space

You can buy or build a spaceship through normal means. Methods of interplanetary teleportation and the creation of star drives are incredibly powerful, carefully-guarded rituals, and so ought to be treated as rewards.

For purposes of use, rituals will always do the same thing. Every die invested past the first will cut down on casting time. Invested dice will not be returned until the spell is completed.

Those spells include, but are not limited to:

Aasimov's Orbital Insertion
(10 hours, -[dice]*2 hours)
Everything within the magic circle (max 150') will be transported into geostationary orbit. The process takes 6 seconds. 

LeGuin's Amazing Ansible
(1 hour, -[dice]*10 minutes)
Permits accurate communication between parties in different solar systems. Caster will always be able to make contact if they know the identity of the contactee.

Clarke's Awakened Engine
(30 days, - [dice]*4 days)
Creates a functioning spaceship drive. Requires 5000 sp worth of components.

Elon's  Madcap Scheme
(3 days, -[dice]*6 hours)
Everything within the magical circle (max 20') will be transported to another planet in-system, at a speed of 1 AU/hr.

Class: Witch

Katie Shanahan

People make their entrance on the world's stage screaming bloody murder and covered in fluids. It's a terrifying experience for all and sundry, which is why most folks are just fine with only being born once.

The important part is what comes right after. The first person you will meet, even before you're set to sucking at your mother's teat, is a witch. She might be a hundred and three years old and blind, deaf, and toothless, or she might be fourteen and pimple-faced with boots two sizes too big, but she'll be there.

Witches live on the outside and look in. They live in places between, with boots caked in muck and brains full of things other people can't or won't see. They intercede, between man and his neighbors, between man and the Folk, between man and the gods. They are a vital, central part of the community, but they are not part of it fully.

You don't go to a witch for comfort. Mother will ease your pain and tell you that everything will be all right, but a witch has no such obligation. They deal in truth, and truth is useful and painful in equal measure. It is something to both live and die for, and in the case of witch-hunters, something to kill people over.

Contrary to what wizards and noblewomen who like to call themselves witches might say, witches do not have anything to do with dancing around in the moonlight with no clothes on (at least, not sober witches).

School: Witch

Perk: You get +2 to reaction rolls when interacting with the rural poor and working class, and people with a bit of sense.

Drawback:  You get -2 to reaction rolls when interacting with wizards, politicians, academics religious leaders, fundamentalists of all stripes, and people with not nearly enough sense. You get no reaction bonus, not even from Charisma, when dealing with other witches.

Cantrips:

1: You can spend five minutes to create a shamble, which allows you to detect if magic has been worked nearby. It will only tell you yes / no and relative strength.

2: You always have a piece of string, a stub of chalk, a smooth pebble and a coin in your pocket.

3: You can silently summon your familiar. This may take a few minutes if they are far away.

A note on familiars: familiars are ordinary animals that can be sent out to do ordinary animal things. they cannot speak and you are not mind linked, but they are smarter than usual and will tell you what they might see or do in their own way.

Xavier Colette

Spell List:

Woman's Work
R: N/A T: N/A D: N/A
With the proper equipment (material components, a cooking pot, water), you can make [sum] doses of contraceptive, proconceptive, or contramenstrual. These are universally-accepted trade goods, and can be redeemed for favors, mundane items, and information. This spell can also be invoked for the safe delivery of an infant.

Mending
R: Touch T: Object D: 0
An object made of stone, clay, metal, wood, or fiber can be repaired, restoring it to the state before it was damaged. The size of the object that can be mended is dependent on the [dice] invested.

• 1D: Can be held in the hand.
• 2D: Can be held in both hands.
• 3D: Waist height.
• 4D: As big as a person.

 Using this spell a second time on the same object carries a 1-in-6 chance of breaking the object completely, increasing by 1 each time it is mended. Complex items (clockwork, etc) begin with a 3-in-6 chance of breaking upon casting.

Produce Flame
R: 40' (when thrown) T: self D: as below
Creates a flame of [sum] damage. The size of the fire is determined by the dice invested:

• 1D: candle (STR 10, lasts for one hour)
• 2D: torch (STR 30, lasts for fifteen minutes)
• 3D: fire (STR 40, two hands, lasts for five minutes)
• 4D: inferno (STR 70, two hands, takes full turn to cast, movement speed halved, cannot be thrown, lasts for one minute)

Liberally inspired by Mateo's pyromancer.

Identify
R: 20' T: Object or creature D: 0
Effect depends on the [dice] invested.

• 1D: Caster reveals the common name and mundane properties. If the target has been changed by magic, and the potency of the enchantment. Mundane properties and names are revealed (ex: "this is phosphorus, it can burn underwater."
• 2D: Caster can determine the above, as well as what kind of magic was used. Advanced mundane properties are revealed 
• 3D: Caster can determine the above, when it was enchanted, and the effect of the enchantment. 
• 4D: Caster can determine the above, as well as who created the enchantment.
• 4D + physical piece of target: As above. Learn the true name of the target or of the original caster. 

Locate 
R: 100' + [sum] x 5 T: Object or creature D: Concentration

The caster can determine the specific location of the target for as long as they can maintain their concentration.

• 1D: general noun (ex: dog)
• 2D: specific noun (ex: my dog, Old Yeller)
• 3D: vague or immaterial (ex: love, help)
• 4D: paradoxical or impossible (ex: solidified time, a devil's conscience)

If you have a piece of what you are trying to locate, you will be able to know its exact location at the time of casting, no matter what the range is

Hidden Language
R: Touch  T: Surface  D: 10 hours
The caster may inscribe a message in a language that has been forgotten by grown-ups. It may be read only by the very young, the incredibly old, the simple-minded, and other witches. If 2 [dice] are used, the writing will be permanent.

Piercing Look
R: Eyesight  T: Creature(s) whose attention you have D: 0
Target must make an immediate morale check at -4. Gods help them if it is accompanied by the Crossing of the Arms and the Tapping of the Foot.

Spare the Dying
R: Touch T: Creature D: [dice] hours
The target, upon hitting death's door, can cling to life for [dice] hours, so long as they are not injured again. The caster must save against poison each hour or take 1d6 damage from shouldering the target's pain.

Magic Circle
R: As drawn T: Spirit D: Until broken
A circle is marked out on the ground which may hold and bind a spirit of [dice] HD or less. Using this will negate any reaction bonus you might have with the Folk and impose a further -1 penalty.

Gain +1 [dice] if the circle is made with salt, iron flakes, or other substances anathema to the spirit.
Gain +2 [dice] if the circle is inscribed with the target's true name.

Call Upon the Folk
R: 100'  T: Folk  D: 0
The local Folk appear to you, and you gain + [dice] to your reaction roll when conversing with them. No bonus is granted when dealing with malicious spirits. Summoning a specific being requires one of the following:

• The location is strongly associated with a particular entity 
• [sum] > 15 and knowledge of the entity
• The Folk's true name is known

Augury
R: Touch T: Creature D: 0
In reading the entrails of sacrificed animals, you look for an omen of what is to come. You have a [dice] x 10% chance of successfully foreseeing a future event or gaining a piece of knowledge (ex: "there is a settlement in the next cave"), plus 1 [dice] per hit die of sacrificed creature or hour spent cloud-watching. Even if successful, omens will often have multiple potential meanings.

Speak with Dead
R: touch T: corpse or other remains D: 10 minutes
You can communicate with ghosts and lingering spirits. The quality of spirit is determined by both its age and the [dice] invested in the spell.

• 1D: the ghost is silent, and mimes out a repeating loop of a single moment
• 2D: the ghost speaks a little and is no longer locked in action, but remains linked to its event
• 3D: the ghost knows who it was in life, and can move about its home freely as a normal spirit
• 4D: the ghost is at its most autonomous, bearing jumbled but significant memories of life

Ghosts are imprints of an individual, and so do not possess all of that person's knowledge, nor are they able to provide incredibly specific information unless it was incredibly important to the target.

Third Eye
R: Eyesight T: Self D: 10 minutes
The witch is able to see things as they are, not as how they are believed to be. With her third eye open, the witch is able to see things as they are, not as how they are believed to be. She may see through illusions, identify secret doors, see spirits that have hidden themselves, and detect lies.

Mishaps

1. Take 1d6 damage.
2. Grass dies, flowers wilt, milk spoils in a 50' radius.
3. Vomit cobwebs, hair, and tomato juice for 1d6 rounds.
4. Familiar vanishes for 1d6 hours.
5. Bleed from forehead for 1d10 hours, freaks everyone out.
6. Transformed into a cat for 1d6 hours. You can still cast spells.
   

Dooms 

1. A bleak mood lingers on you like grease on fingers. Your reaction malus is doubled for 24 hours.
2. A witchhunter demon has been drawn to your scent. It cannot harm you directly, but it will follow you for three days, dealing mental strain damage through its attacks. If damage > WIS, the witch must save vs fear - on success, fight/flight/freeze. On fail,you will be rendered too strained to make any normal action at all until the days have transpired.
3. You've gone too far on the outside, cut your ties to people, lost the things that keep you grounded. You've gone bad, a hag of the worst kind.

This doom can be avoided by pulling the millstone-in-the-pond trick in Clearsight Lake, or by delivering an accurate omen to a king and watching the fallout to the end.

Class: Adipomancer

Are you ready, kids? Aye aye, Auntie Maya! I can't heaaaar you! AYE AYE, AUNTIE MAYA!

School: Adipomancer

Perk: You gain +2 AC for every unburnt spell die past the first. Your unarmed attacks do 1d6 damage.

Drawback: Each unburnt spell die counts as an encumbrance point and takes up an inventory slot. You can only regain burnt spell die through consuming an additional ration's worth of food.

Cantrips:

1:You may spend a ration to gain advantage on a reaction roll.

2: You may enter Mountain Stance. You cannot move while in this stance, but gain +4 to saves vs being knocked over and your unarmed attacks do 1d8 damage.

3: You can burn any number of spell dice at will, to no additional effect.

Spell List:

Belly Drum
R: Touch  T: Self  D: 0
Cuts current HP in half, provides that many points in additional damage that may be split among subsequent attacks.

Aura of Warmth
R: Touch  T: Self  D: [sum] hours
The caster is immune to cold environmental conditions and takes half damage from freezing attacks for [sum] hours.

Cannonball Dash
R:50'  T: Self  D: 0
The caster barrels ahead at great speed, doing [dice] + [sum] damage to all targets in their path. Targets may make a save vs being knocked down.

Fist of Burning Spice
R: Touch  T: Self  D: [sum] attacks
The next [sum] attacks will ignite flammable material on contact.

Metabolic Overdrive
R: Touch  T: Self  D: 0
Recover [sum] HP.

Gravity Pull
R: [sum] x 5 feet  T: Object or creature D: 0
The target is pulled in a straight line towards the caster. By choosing to burn a die (an additional die if one was already burnt), the caster may make an attack after casting.

Black Well
R: Touch T:Point D: [sum] hours
The caster creates a stationary black sphere that can store [dice] pounds of material (orinventory slots). Secret training of the adipomancers permits them to carry this within their mouth, but they cannot speak or eat during this period. Items can be released from the Pit at will, but this will dissipate the spell.

Become Delicious
R: Touch  T: Creature of [dice] x2 HD or less  D: [sum] varies
As written by Skerples: "Target creature smells and tastes delicious for the spell's duration. The smell radiates 20' in calm air, but can spread via wind or leave a trail. Sentient creatures can usually resist the urge to eat the target without a Save, but animals and other ravenous creatures must Save or select the spell's target as their primary attack target. Insects will be attracted to the target for the spell's duration. The target may Save at the end of each duration interval to negate the effects. 1 [dice]: minutes, 2 [dice]: hours, 3 [dice]: months, 4 [dice] years. This spell can also affect dead creatures."

Gravity Wave
R: < 30'  T: Self  D: 0
The caster can either repulse or attract loose objects and creatures of [dice] HD or fewer, within a radius of their specification. Repulsed bodies will be pushed to the edge of the area of effect.

Sweet and Sour Palm
R: Touch  T: Creature  D: 0
The target is launched back [dice] x5 feet when hit. The attack deals acid damage and will leave a burning red handprint.

Pudding Bomb
R: Touch  T: Self  D: 5 minutes
The caster creates [dice] lipid simulacrums of themselves. These creatures have 1 HD and can explode for 1d6 damage. Unexploded bombs will be reduced to an inanimate puddle if they travel more than 100' away from the caster, or as time runs out. The caster retains remote control and awareness of all bombs. All dice spent on this spell count as burnt.

MESHI MESHI MESHI MESHI MESHI ORA!
R: Touch  T: Creature  D: 0
Burn a spell die: gain an additional attack this turn. Die explodes on a 6.

Mishaps

1. Spell die only return on a 1-2 for 24 hours.
2. Paralyzed for 1d6 turns.
3. Take 1d6 damage.
4. Struck with incredible hunger, spend a turn eating a ration.
5. Burnt spell die do not reduce encumbrance for 24 hours.
6. Bizarre and obtuse cravings for 1d6 days. Save vs magic at end of period, permanent on failure.
   

Dooms

1. Your appetite flees you. You cannot regain burnt die for 24 hours.
2. Food tastes utterly disgusting for 3 days. You must pass a save vs poison to eat a meal.
3. You permanently lose your faculties of taste and hunger, and may no longer eat additional portions.

This doom can be avoided by preparing and consuming a dish of True Angelfood, or by fasting for ten days and nights.

Final notes:

This is an adaptation of Connor W's lipimancer class, now flavored as a monk because fat jolly monks who also know kung-fu are awesome.

This class is absolutely designed to work with Skerples' Monster Menu-All and the cooking rules from Occultesque. 

Yes, I know that Maya is actually ripped as hell and just uses layers of clothing to make herself look fat. I will use any excuse I need to.

Using GLOG for magical martial arts was a great idea.

Class: Nightsoil Priest

It's a dirty job but someone's got to do it (woah-oh-oh-woah)

Modern society, as we all know, is built upon the Merde Grande, and the Nightsoil Priests of Cloacina (shitwizards, in the vulgate) keep it all running smoothly. They rarely emerge into the light of day but when they do they are given a wide berths out of both respect and to avoid the smell. The school is an anomaly among wizards, being the devotees of one of the gods of man: other wizards, of course, no better than to bring the matter up, lest something happen to their drains.

(This was all snipped right out of Skerples' playbook, who snipped it out of Arnold's playbook, and now we're here.)

From Rust, art by Paul Bradley. Just put wizard hats on 'em.

School: Nightsoil Priest

Perk: You start with heavy gloves, hip waders, a token of Cloacina, and a face mask that filters out poisonous fumes.

Drawback: You've spent so much time wading through other people's shit for anyone else to be comfortable with that.


Cantrips:

1: You can spritz a cloud of pleasing coverup scent - lemon, sandalwood, or fairy meadow.

2: You instinctively know how to navigate sewer systems without getting lost.

3:You can identify the origin of spoor without fail.

Spell List:

Honey Pot
R: 30’ T: Area D: Indefinite
Cleans the area of blood, feces, ooze, slime, grime, gristle, gunk, rust, dust, detritus and effluvia, storing it in an enchanted jar or other sealed container. This container can store [dice] uses of this spell before it can be used no further. The jar can be thrown as a grenade, doing [dice]d6 damage and spraying its contents everywhere.

Cleaning House
R: Sight T: [dice] persons D: Instant
The target is cured of disease, but must succeed on a CON or Poison save. On failure they will be cured by violent expulsion and take a -2 penalty to all checks until the next morning.

Unblock the Path
R: Touch T: Material D: 1 hour ÷ [sum]
A material obstruction is removed from a path, passage, or doorway. This takes 1 hour ÷ [sum] and dispersing the matter makes significant noise. The obstruction is not un-made, but is broken down and diffused enough to permit passage.

Fertilize
R: 10’ square T: Plants within AOE D: Indefinite
Plants within the effected area grow at an unnatural rate. Crops mature in minutes, trees grow gigantic, plant-based creatures gain [dice] HD.

Gasmask
R: Touch T: Piece of cloth D: [dice] hours
When held over the mouth, the affected material provides immunity to airborne toxins.

Rites of Cleansing
R: Touch T: Person D: [dice] charges
Target gains advantage on saves against poison, possession, and disease.

Drain Snake
R: N/A T: Rope D: [dice] x5 minutes
Conjures an animated rope of [sum] x10 feet. 50% chance of being a tapeworm. It can follow simple commands.

Dowsing
R: ½ mile T: Self D: 1 hour
Target can find a lost item within the sewers with [dice]-in-6 odds. Requires another item owned by the same person to work.

Magic Missile 
R: 200' T: Creature D: 0
Target takes [sum] + [dice] damage, no save. The bolt is a foaming stream of bright blueish-white.

Sterilize
R: Touch T: Object D: 0
Toxins and infectious agents are violently removed from the object.  


Cloud of Fumes 
R: [dice] x 25' T: Area D: 5 minutes
A cloud of noxious, toxic gas spews out from the caster. All who breath the fumes must make a save vs poison or take [sum] damage and have their maximum HP reduced by the same amount.
 
Tired of Your Shit
R: 40' T: Creature D: [dice] turns
Target is wracked with unbearable intestinal pain for [dice] turns and is unable to act. If [sum] > 16, the damage will be permanent, and they lose 4 points of CON.


Mishaps

1. Spell dice only return on 1-2 for 24 hours.
2. Take 1d6 damage.
3. Become cripplingly claustrophobic for 24 hours.
4. Blinded for 1d6 rounds
5. All spare inventory slots are filled will malodorous effluvium, perishables ruined.
6. Uncontrollable vomiting for 1d6 rounds
   

Dooms 

1. You become deathly ill for 24 hours, able to do little more than expel horrible fluids from every orifice.
2. As above, for 3 days. You require double the amount of water or will take 1 point of permanent CON damage per day.
3. You have died of dysentery. 

This doom can be avoided by sleeping for a full night within a grand donjon's heart, or by drinking from a pure ancestral ooze.

Return to the Old School

You hear it in the earth, the rumbling of the ancient herds...

This is a revisit to this old post, now made useful with GLOG.

The Humble Art

Any human can use the Humble Art. You have spell dice equal to your WIS modifier, and these dice can only be used for casting spells of the Art. If you have at least 1 spell die, you know WIS - 10 spells. Learning new spells requires the tutelage of another individual. Spells of the Art cannot be written down or copied in spellbooks or scrolls.

Wizards do not use the Humble Art. Years of academia have blackened their opinion of it to such a degree that they would not consider using it except in a most desperate situation, and even then only after the rest of their magic has been spent.

Spells of the Humble Art can be improved if the correct sympathetic components are in place. Add +1 spell die when casting with the components listed below. Additional dice are burned out upon use and do not return.

The Old School Spell List

Augury
R: touch  T: self  D: 0

In reading the entrails of sacrificed animals, you look for an omen of what is to come. You have a [dice] x 10% chance of successfully foreseeing a future event, plus [1 die] per hit die of sacrificed creature or hour spent cloud-watching.

Even if successful, omens will often have multiple potential meanings.

Call Upon the Folk
R: 100'  T: Folk  D: 0

Roll under WIS. If successful, the local Folk will appear to you, and you gain [dice] to your reaction roll when conversing with them.

Summoning a specific being requires one of the following:

• The location is strongly associated with a particular entity 
• [sum] > 15
• The Folk's true name is known (automatic)

Contact Other Plane
R: 100' T: extraplanar creature  D: 0

Roll under WIS. If successful, you successfully make contact with another world.

• If [sum] < 10, the recipient plane and being is random. 
• If [sum] > 10, you can contact a random being on a specified plane.
• If [sum] > 15, you can contact a specified being on a specified plane.

Gain +1 [dice] by consuming hallucinogenic mushrooms. Automatic success with the true name of an extraplanar being.

Detect / Locate
R: 30' + [sum] x 5 / 100' + [sum]x5 / see below T: Object or creature D: concentration / 0

Detect: The caster can tell if the target is passing within range
Locate: The caster can determine the specific location of the target

• 1D: general noun (ex: dog)
• 2D: specific noun (ex: my dog, Old Yeller)
• 3D: vague or immaterial (ex: love, help)

If you have a piece of what you are trying to locate, you will be able to know its exact location at the time of casting.

Exorcism
R: 20' T: spirit possessing object or creature D: 0

Cast out an evil spirit of [dice] HD or lower from an object or creature. This will not destroy the spirit, just remove it from its host.

Gain +1[dice] from holy water or other objects / substances anathema to the spirit
Gain +2[dice] if you know the spirit's true name

Identify
R: 20' T: Object or creature D: 0

Effect depends on the [dice] invested.

• 1D: Caster can determine if something has been changed by magic, and the potency of the enchantment. Mundane properties and names are revealed (ex: "this is phosphorus, it can burn underwater."
• 2D: Caster can determine the above, as well as what kind of magic was used, when it was enchanted, and the effect of the enchantment. Advanced mundane properties are revealed (ex:
• 3D: Caster can determine the above, as well as who created the enchantment
• 3D + physical piece of target: Learn the true name of the target or of the original caster.

Hunter's Mark
R: sight T: creature D: permanent

Marked target takes [dice] extra damage from all of your attacks, and you are aware of its general location within [sum] miles.

Magic Circle
R: [sum] T: spirit D: until broken

A circle is marked out on the ground which may hold and bind a spirit of [dice] HD or less. The Folk will consider this a grave insult.

Gain +1 [dice] if the circle is made with salt, iron flakes, or other substances the spirit does not like.
Gain +2 [dice] if the circle is inscribed with the target's true name.

Mending
R: touch T: object D: 0

An object weighing [sum] pounds or less, made of stone, clay, wood, or fiber, can be repaired. Mending metal in this manner requires 2 [dice]. Using this spell a second time on the same object carries a 1-in-6 chance of breaking the object completely, increasing by 1 each time it is mended.

Purify Food and Water
R: touch T: food or water D: 0

You can clean and prepare [sum] tainted rations. Roll a second d6: on a 1, the removed toxins become a rotball sprite. (0 HD, 1 HP, AC as unarmored, 1 damage, save vs poison or 1d6 CON damage until cured)

Produce Flame
R: 40' (when thrown) T: self D: as below

Liberally inspired by Mateo's pyromancer. Damage = [sum]. The size of the fire is determined by the dice invested:

• 1D: candle (STR 10)
• 2D: torch (STR 30)
• 3D: fire (STR 40, two hands)
• 4D: inferno (STR 70, two hands, takes full turn to cast, movement speed halved)
• 5D: fire breath, 30' cone. (STR 50)
  

+1 [dice] for possessing the heart or blood of a dragon. Bonuses stack from different dragons.

Skywrite
R: 1 mile T: clouds D: [sum] x 30 seconds

You can shape or create [sum] cloud-glyphs, which last for [dice] hours. Each glyph will be a simple word or idea: one cannot make the statement "Help! We are under siege by orcs!" but "Help (needed) / orcs / danger" is a viable message.

Spare the Dying
R: Touch T: Creature D: [dice] hours

The target, upon hitting death's door, can cling to life for [dice] hours, so long as they are not injured again. The caster must save against poison each hour or take 1d6 damage from shouldering the target's pain.

Speak with Dead
R: touch T: corpse or other remains D: 10 minutes

You can communicate with lingering spirits that have died within the last:

• 1D: day
• 2D: month
• 3D: year  

To call up spirits older than a year, the caster must know the language of the dead and invoke 3 [dice].

Ghosts are imprints of an individual, and so do not possess all of that person's knowledge, nor are they able to provide incredibly specific information unless it was incredibly important to the target.

Woman's Work
R: n/a T: n/a D: n/a

With the proper equipment (material components, a cooking pot, water), you can make [sum] doses of contraceptive, proconceptive, or contramenstrual. These are universally-accepted trade goods, and can be redeemed for favors, mundane items, and information. This spell can also be invoked for the safe delivery of an infant.

Weave Tale / Song
R: n/a T: n/a D: n/a

This spell requires another post all on its own, as it has no set form. Until I make that table, have a look at Jeff's post here, pick any of the fairy tales listed, and adapt it. You don't even have to read the story, just write up your own using that title.

Aboriginal rock art, photo by Graeme Churchard

Special Spells

Control Weather
R: local region T: environment D: 6 hours+

The ritual has a base [sum]% chance of success, but there is no limit to the amount of people (and their dice) that can be added. Attempting to change the weather to something unseasonable or unnatural (ex: snow in summer, rain of frogs) halves the percentage of success.

Roll +1 [dice] for every two hours beyond the six required.

Coming of Age
R: touch T: adolescent D: permanent

The boy stands before his father and the elders of the community.  The girl, having bled to the first time, is taken by her mother to the local wise woman. They must go out and accomplish a task: hunt a beast, make a pilgrimage to a holy site, outwit their elders, prove their bravery, perform a rite before the community, solve a seemingly-impossible task, learn of a great secret, accomplish some act in the community's benefit, or so on.

Upon completion, the target gains 1 level. They are now permitted to marry, and will be welcomed as an adult of the community with all responsibilities that entails. (Translation: You take 2 extra convictions and must pay 50% of your earnings back to the community). In some regions, couples engaged to be wed are assigned the same task, and must complete it together.

Failure through cowardice or other personal weakness creates an evil spirit, which will haunt the individual and prevent them from gaining XP until they succeed at the task, or defeat the spirit.

Passing the Torch
R: touch T person: D: permanent

A character of level 7 or higher bequeaths some or all of their [dice] to another individual.  This does not compound across generations (ex: A has a +2, and gives it to B, who has +1. B now has +3, but would only be able to pass on +1 to C).