YOUR SPORTS TEAM IS VASTLY INFERIOR

Wizardball

The official rules of wizardball, as collected and tabulated by the Fantasy Wizardball Association, have been successfully used as an implement of murder. The version containing the appendix of variant rules has a spine so thick it cannot actually be opened without mechanical or magical aid. Multi-volume collections have been known to grow unruly enough to devour the reader.

Thankfully, the wizardball community ignores all of this and embraces the maddening chaos that is the magical world's greatest sport. There is no understanding the incomprehensible layers of in-jokes and strategies from the outside; there is only the knowing of the initiated.

Wizardball gets into your blood. The roar of the crowd, the pounding of the drums, the colors of the jerseys, the ozone tang of octarine mists and the smells of lemon ice and sausages inna bun. Wizardball is life itself.

For the uninitiated, there are four simple guidelines that give structure wizardball.

• The point of the game is to get the ball, by whatever means necessary, into the enemy's goal. Scores may go up until a time limit has been reached, or down until a team's pool of points has been exhausted.
• The two teams are arrayed as one would set up a chess board: 8 pawns, 2 rooks, 2 knights, 2 bishops, a king and a queen.
• Each position can be filled from a pool of variant classes. Each class is equipped with ta specific loadout of appropriate spells and equipment, and is beholden to a series of limitations.
• Cheating is permitted, so long as it does not extend past the boundaries of the pitch and the cheater can manage to either outwit or overpower the referee.

Beyond this, well, the rules are made up and the points don't matter. The Purist Variant Ruling dictates that wizardball only has one rule, being that a rule cannot be repeated twice, but this variant is not considered league-legal.

1d20 School Mascots

1. Ol' Rusty the rust monster
2. Manny the Maniac Manticore
3. The Green Gorgon
4. Bullette Biter
5. The Big Hungry Mimic
6. The Tin Men
7. Ozzie Ooze
8. The Deep Ones
9. Skeleton Dan
10. Mopey the Catelopas
11. Sidney Salamander
12. The Hellhound Named Spot
13. Bumf the Flumph
14. The Great Griffin
15. The Brawling Blemmeyes
16. The Tartary Lambs
17. Brother Wulfhelm, the Drunken Monk
18. Mabel the Mermaid
19. D. T., Princess of the Red Planet
20. Terry the Tarasque

1d20 Other Wizarding Sports 

Sport names courtesy of +Skerples

1. Rugger	Teams are scrambled on the quarter
2. Soccer	Can only be played while blackout drunk
3. Blagger	Asymmetrical field
4. Blugger	Traditionally played nude
5. Crumpet	Synchronized musical accompaniment
6. Cornet	Uses sticks and shields
7. Horseshoe	Average match lasts nine hours
8. Bannet	One team replaced by demons
9. Lurp Ball	Players cannot touch the ground
10. Flems-fight	The arena is flooded and filled with trout
11. Tennis	Players launched out of cannons
12. Ballmight	Must sacrifice losing team to the SUPERB OWL during playoffs.
13. Renfield	A live tiger released during second half
14. Nibblet	Indistinguishable from actual warfare
15. Zork	Played only in complete darkness
16. Mango	Played with 30 balls on the pitch
17. Gibbet	Goals move autonomously
18. Follow-the-Pony	One continuous game that has run for 187 years
19. Estivan Tony	Adaptable playing field
20. Flibbertygibbet	Oh gods, everything is on fire